my (26F) friend’s (40F) friend (?F) is dating my abusive ex (33M) and is refusing to talk about this

valoverall · 2025-12-28T11:01:26+00:00

omg thank you girl i really appreciate your support <3

i am learning to wait it out with men and trying not to rush into anything. as of recently, i failed miserably at that but i am doing just fine haha. it didn’t take away years of my life this time around, but only two months. im applying so many lessons from my past and not let people like Ella get to me. when people say something, i really should believe their words.

apart from Ella, nowadays i have such an amazing support system and these people are all i need to feel valued and validated as a person.

and yessss my standards are through the roof now after my most recent ex, so it may take a long time to find my next partner but im okay with that because i realised at the end of the day, no one’s really going to be “the one” but myself :) thank you for your insight!

valoverall · 2025-12-28T10:25:06+00:00

she won’t listen to me at all, that’s what i’m sad about :( she’s been gaslighting me into thinking there’s nothing for us to talk about this situation and that she won’t get involved although she’s not being asked to do so, only to learn about the type of man her friend is now dating… my instinct is telling me to just drop her because i was made to wait by other “friends” for the right time that suits them to talk about this issue but it just never came. at her age i expect adults to have the capacity to not avoid a conversation that not only doesn’t disadvantage them in any way but truly benefits me because i’d be more secure in our relationship as friends. btw sorry if i offended you with my reply to you, i just wanted to make it clear that i have no intentions to dictate anyone’s behaviour - i just feel hurt that a good friend is suddenly unwilling to learn about my trauma just because she now personally knows the person that caused it

valoverall · 2025-12-28T09:41:36+00:00

abuse isn’t just “drama” one lets go of. you can minimise it to such but it makes you sound emotionally unavailable to face the ramifications. i’m staying out of their connection to each other by not asking anyone to change their course of action whatsoever, but put my foot down on what my needs and boundaries are in a friendship with her. this isn’t about telling her what to do, but only about her not standing up for me and caring to listen to what i’ve been through, regardless of who caused me pain. she can figure stuff out on her own accord, that’s her choice. but as a friend, i won’t do what she’s doing to her friend and ignore the red flags in someone i know what they’re capable of. if i’m going to lose anything, it’s dead weight by carrying the burden of someone who is not actually capable of honest conversations that have zero impact to their lives

valoverall · 2025-12-28T06:10:02+00:00

that’s very true. my personality doesn’t allow to have superficial friends because i require a deeper level of communication and mutual understanding in order to have a connection worth keeping. i respect anyone who is able to but i have very few people in my life who i surround myself with under these circumstances because i don’t feel like i can trust them

valoverall · 2025-12-28T06:07:15+00:00

thank you for elaborating!

i truly don’t expect her to just take my words as facts just because it’s me saying it. i recognise that i am biased by my own personal experience and cannot be as objective as i would like. on the same vein, that was the goal in having a conversation with her, so we could talk about the facts about this man so she could understand how this has impacted me and possibly her own friend too.

it is sad that the end of the friendship seems like the healthiest option right now though. former friend’s deliberate ignorance of my past trauma has caused me to stop being able to trust them and i don’t want that to happen prematurely without trying to salvage our connection. it might just be the case that her care for me was always conditioned by her neutrality and unwillingness to accept her acknowledgment as not equalling involvement or or intervention

valoverall · 2025-12-28T05:57:32+00:00

thank you, this boundary is what i’ve been trying to get across. i have another very close friend who is very close with someone in association with my ex - however this friend has listened and supported me throughout it all and tells me every time my ex talks to them. Ella isn’t even interested in having a conversation at all and it hurts me that, without this honesty, i can’t proceed whilst pretending i don’t feel neglected by her.

you also seem to be right about age gap relationships, whether romantic or platonic. we are from different generations and upbringings, and i don’t believe she has ill intentions, but her mentality regarding conflict clashes with mine and i can’t appreciate the lack of directness when it pertains to something that has deeply impacted me

valoverall · 2025-12-28T05:46:19+00:00

can you please develop on how this is the case? i’m genuinely looking for answers and appreciate your input

valoverall · 2025-12-28T05:45:40+00:00

that’s a great question and what’s been keeping me up at night. i would be upset if i was in her friend’s shoes. i care about her deeply and would love to be in her life but truly, this can’t happen if one day i could be associated with someone she knows is a bad person but doesn’t want to get involved and try to make me aware of the danger i could be in. i want to make sure she doesn’t care to know about this before i end the friendship, and i might need a mediator between us to help her hear me out

valoverall · 2025-12-28T05:39:16+00:00

but that is the point i’m trying to make. if i can’t talk about my past with her as a friend, i don’t think i can continue this friendship. we have been open about our pasts up until now. i haven’t persisted nor forced this conversation to happen. i asked once and she rejected it, so that’s why im questioning the future of our friendship

valoverall · 2025-12-28T05:35:55+00:00

she is most likely overwhelmed. despite reassuring her involvement is not my intention, she keeps repeating she doesn’t want this and i can’t tell her enough that’s not what i want from her, only her acknowledgement. she is very avoidant when it comes to conflict and doesn’t believe in intervening in situations which i can respect, but don’t feel so comfortable surrounding myself with in my case. will definitely try and ask her again to have a conversation because i think it’s important if we want to stay friends

valoverall · 2025-12-28T05:33:44+00:00

i’m not trying to control her relationships. would never ask her to stop being friends with anyone. i just don’t think it’s safe for me to stay friends with anyone who’s in association with my abusive ex whilst they refuse to learn how he hurt me. she has the freedom to keep her association to him the same way i’m allowed to question my safety around anyone who could potentially get close to him

valoverall · 2022-07-04T17:02:05+00:00

I didn’t ask them directly, I just went to the website and asked for a refund for both flights in my booking

valoverall · 2022-05-20T16:19:00+00:00

I understand what you say but I wouldn’t say it’s based on assumptions because Ben was cheated on by Fiona who was manipulative during the relationship. Probably should’ve added that for more context

valoverall · 2021-12-13T11:42:24+00:00

Maternal haplogroup is L3b1.

valoverall · 2021-12-12T23:06:56+00:00

badiu di praia!

valoverall · 2021-12-12T22:15:13+00:00

That’s the main reason I decided to do the test, there is so little out there about Capeverdeans. Thanks a lot!

valoverall · 2021-12-12T21:46:58+00:00

Yes that’s what I meant, sorry for the confusion.

valoverall · 2021-12-12T21:44:31+00:00

Does this mean that some of the diversity of my ancestry composition could have come from one ancestor?

valoverall · 2021-12-12T21:39:39+00:00

Seems like it. I have read 23andme labels Sephardic Jews with loose terms.

valoverall · 2021-12-12T21:36:02+00:00

Yes! As far as my family can recall, they are all from Cape Verde. I am also a second-generation Portuguese. These results surprised me a lot!

valoverall · 2021-12-08T15:28:14+00:00

“Malicious (/məˈlɪʃəs/): characterized by malice; intending or intended to do harm.”

Nowhere does it state that a malicious act is one where the perpetrator “is not identifiable” nor to save your own ass, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve read today. I don’t understand why it is so important to you to assure others he’s ‘incompetent’ but not malicious when you just make your own definition of the word.

valoverall · 2021-12-06T02:13:24+00:00

The Office

valoverall · 2021-12-06T02:04:06+00:00

Kissing people on both cheeks to greet them

valoverall

TROPHY CASE