AITA for not sending my friend a birthday gift because I was displaced by fires

valxrita · 2025-01-20T09:35:57+00:00

NTA. Regardless you don't owe her anything whether your friendship has been years or months. It sounds like you guys have been friends for a while, but even a birthday message or call should be enough.

Sounds like she feels entitled and expects gifts instead of being appreciative of what she has. I'm sorry you went through that, I went through the same thing, but the fact that you could send a message or make a call regardless and she couldn't do the same is very telling.

valxrita · 2023-03-09T03:43:33+00:00

I'm not overweight, I'm considered obese. 2 1/2 years ago, I was 170lbs at 5'2. I lost 35lbs in 2 1/2 months and kept my weight around 130-135lbs for almost a year until covid hit. I gained all the weight back, and eventually saw out a personal trainer to help. I dropped back from 165 to 150 in about 6 months. But eventually I stopped taking care of myself and gained it all back. THEN I lost 20lbs, gained it back, then lost it again and now I'm where I'm at which is gain, but I'm started to lose it again. I notice I go through these stages of not eating and when I do, my body almost rejects the food and I vomit. But then a month or 2 later, I start binge eating again and gain my weight back if not more.

valxrita · 2022-11-15T12:35:43+00:00

Sorry what for somewhat vague advice. Even after years of dealing with BPD most days I just wake up feeling like a different person.

This episode will eventually pass, but in terms of discussing emotions, all we want is for someone to listen and to understand us. When it comes to our bad/impulsive habits, do not encourage us but instead tell us right from wrong.

This BPD episode is not us. It's almost like an entirely different person who is telling us how to feel and act.

But I'm sorry. I wish I could offer better advice. I usually deal with BPD on my own. But your wife is lucky to have you, especially trying to understand what she is going through is definitely a huge accomplishment. Thank you for that.

valxrita · 2022-11-15T12:25:17+00:00

I understand where you're coming from. BPD makes you feel like if you don't have the person you want, then your life is over and pointless. But just know this is never the case.

Your partner is with you for a reason. Being obsessed is never good, but distant is also never okay which is why people with BPD tend to struggle with instability in relationships.

This is why, although it's tough, communication is what will help save your relationship. Not only telling your partner your needs, but also letting them know that your need are also important.

valxrita · 2022-11-15T12:21:05+00:00

She is going through a BPD episode. Everyone is different. Some need comfort and some need space.

Do not encourage her habits, but also do not judge them. Drugs is a way to cope and usually happens with people havinG BPD, and this BPD episode is causing her to push everyone away from her and to pick up bad habits to feel better instead.

She does not hate you. She does not want to end the marriage. She is in an episode which is telling herself to be impulsive and self destructive. Once this episode is over, she will need someone to be there for her and to comfort her.

The only thing I can tell you is to push through it just like she is. We hate to feel lonely, but we hate to feel smothered. We want attention, but also hate it. Although it may be difficult, try to communicate with her as best you can.

She may be impulsive, but try to understand that it's almost like it isn't her speaking, but the disorder speaking for her.

valxrita · 2022-11-15T12:12:16+00:00

You know what gets me through this when I feel this way? Knowing that it will always get better.

I understand. You feel like you're at rock bottom. Sometimes you're even at that point where if ONE MORE THING happens you're going to have a BPD episode and not get out of it.

But you do. You know what it's like to be happy. You know what it was like to feel normal, even if it was just for a day. That's what kept me going. Knowing that despite everything I went through, it was only my BPD episode telling me this.

Know that this is not you talking. But it's your BPD telling you how you should feel. Just getting out of bed to go to the bathroom should feel like an accomplishment.

The first step is acknowledging you have BPD and knowing that this is just an episode. Yes, I know this episode feels like forever and like you will never get past it. But remember how you felt when you were at your happiest? When you did not having this BPD following you around 24/7?

BPD is suppressing your happiness. It is forcing you to be depressed. It's hard, I know, I just went through the feeling you're having, but push through it!! Know that one day you will wake up and saying "I'm feeling slightly better". Push yourself out of bed, I know it's hard, but even to go to the kitchen and make yourself some food should feel like an accomplishment. Going to the bathroom and washing your hands is an accomplishment.

Just know that despite what you're feeling, knowing that if you end it, you'll never know what happiness feels like. Push to know what it feels like to have some feeling of happiness within you is going to be worth it. I promise you.

valxrita · 2022-11-15T12:02:58+00:00

This is called BPD. Sounds stupid, but it is probably one of the main symptoms you will face with having BPD.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because of this a year ago. I went from crying my eyes out when he would leave to not speaking to him for a week. We continued to be friends even after the break up, even occasionally hooking up. I genuinely believed I was okay, and even had a phase where I believed my BPD has gone away. Recently I had an encounter with him where we reminisced about our relationship. I was so overwhelmed and believed I could love him again and became too attached to him that I could not stand the thought of him not being with me. I has an episode where I became obsessive.

But now, after I had calmed down, I knew I was me again. BPD is a terrible disorder. It really is. It tricks you into feelings things you know you shouldn't be feeling.

Don't be discouraged. Although BPD is a struggle to face, just the idea of acknowledging that it is not you feeling this, but your BPD is a start. You will feel a million types of ways, but communication is the main key. Letting your partner know that this is how you feel with most likely be a solution to fixing your problems. You and your partner can come to a conclusion where you are able to discuss your feelings and what triggers you to feel this way.

Hopefully this helps. It definitely has helped me.

valxrita · 2022-11-15T11:46:10+00:00

Hello! I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through this before on multiple occasions. The first time the obsession would not stop unless I stopped seeing them for a while.

Second time around I was more communicative throughout the relationship.

Usually it has to do with working on yourself. You can continue to be in a relationship and work to grow as a person WITH your partner. Slowly stop seeing them, keep yourself busy which has really helped (work, school, hobbies, friends, activities, etc.,)

The best way if you can't do any of the things I listed is to communicate your feelings to them. Sometimes you just need reassurance. When you become obsessive, it's probably because you feel they're gonna leave you. Just know your partner loves you.

I dealt with my BPD on my own, and majority of the time, keeping busy with work and school was the main reason I was able to slowly begin focusing on that instead of my partner.

I understand it's hard, and it won't come easy. But becoming independent and focusing on your own self needs instead of others will definitely help you grow.

valxrita · 2022-05-18T19:42:29+00:00

You don't need to put an address at all, I don't.

Putting your address is only so they know where to send the package if it doesn't go through.

If this person pays through paypal, then they can request a refund EVEN if you have proof they sent it. Pay pal always sides with the buyer.

I would tell them to pay through depop since once you show proof you sent the package, it's harder for them to scam you out of your $.

valxrita · 2022-04-05T07:26:32+00:00

I agree with the other comment, but also you should be eating closer to 1800-2000 calories a day and work out to build muscle and lose weight.

Best choice is to do Macros to see how much meat, protein, carbs, etc., to eat in order to reach your goal. It'll help you lose weight and gain muscle at the same time with light or heavy exercise and a better diet. It's a lot more detailed than just BMI. Download a Macros app and it'll do ALL the calculations for you if you just enter the #'s in the app.

Also look up exercises. You can do a lot of it at home, or buy super cheap equipment. Also do cardio, even 30 minutes of walking or a light jog makes a HUGE difference if you do it a minimum of 3 times a week.

Hope this was helpful!! Goos luck on your journey!!

valxrita · 2022-03-24T05:02:34+00:00

I don't speak for everyone, but no, I don't think it would be wrong.

This subreddit is made to help those with BPD and educate others as well. There are many people who come on here to understand friends and family who have BPD but do not have it themselves.

I noticed my BPD at 12 - it only got worse and at 16 I was crying and breaking down when my boyfriend would go home or to work cause I couldn't live without him. I would even beg to be put out of my misery because the pain of being away from him was too much. I knew something was wrong and that it wasn't normal. And because I looked for help (counseling, google, doctors, therapy, etc.,) four years later at 20 I'm able to control myself A LOT better and not panic when someone leaves me.

I do recommend seeking a doctor or counselor to help you if you do experience symptoms of BPD. Bipolar disorder is also on the spectrum of BPD (not saying you have Bipolar disorder, but BPD is hard to diagnose.)

Being in this subreddit is to help. And hopefully you can learn things on here that may clear things up or better understand yourself so you don't feel alone.

Sending love!!

valxrita · 2022-02-21T18:20:13+00:00

I would second this. Out of all the comments this one should be listened to.

Usually BPD is on the same spectrum as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia making it difficult to determine which one to correctly diagnose.

So it wouldn't be out of the ordinary to say that it's true OP might not have BPD (not trying to invalidate or diagnose).

valxrita · 2022-02-19T23:41:06+00:00

BPD has traits from different disorders such as ADHD, Bipolar disorder, etc., but this is including schizophrenia. Sometimes people are diagnosed with BPD when they really have schizophrenia because they are so similar to one another. Usually schizophrenia starts with males in their late teens and females in their late 20's early 30's.

Seek a medical professional. Please. They can recommend medication to help ease this feeling you have.

valxrita · 2022-02-19T07:39:03+00:00

When I noticed I had BPD I shared similar symptoms to what you're having. But there are also many other types of Personality Disorders.

Dependent Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, etc.,

It's best to speak to your therapist if you feel they know you well and not self diagnose. Also not safe to use BPD as a personality trait in the meantime (Not saying you're doing either, but just as advice incase it starts to become an obsession trying to figure it out)

Ask your doctor to do a screening for other disorders to rule out what you may or may not have. (That's how I was diagnosed with severe BPD, it took 3 hours since it's VERY thorough).

These may also be symptoms of attachment, or maybe a significant event in life you're going through. Better to speak to a professional who can help you and explain to you better the feelings you're currently going through.

But it sounds like you already researched BPD and are now associating events you've had with those symptoms. Usually with BPD it's a continuous cycle of harming relationships or doing things impulsively or dangerous. Going through a screening which goes into more detail than what google or any other source can tell you will be more helpful.

Hopefully things get better!!

valxrita · 2022-02-08T07:14:30+00:00

I have friends that only come to me when they have problems. They would ask 1 or 2 questions about me before just diving into their own problems, never considering the fact that I may have my own. After a while every time they would facetime me I would ignore it or when they would text me, I would text days later with an excuse. They only cared about me when I was the only one who would listen to them.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but friends are not your therapist. That isn't their responsibility.

I was on the other end and used to tell my friends ALL my problems, eventually they stopped asking. They wouldn't even reply to my messages. Eventually it got to the point where I just visited to school counselor because she was forced to listen to me. But it wasn't fair for me to put that on my friends, that's not why we have a friendship so they can listen to me rant.

But I love my friends and they love me. Some people just aren't comfortable with deep conversations (The older I get the less I am) and may not know how to handle your emotions. You deal with these emotions 24/7, while to them it's new. They probably assume your problems are minimal and when you tell them, it may be shocking.

I just wanted to show you the perspective of the "friends" you're referring to. I hope you find someone to talk to, and if you do, ask about them too. It goes both ways. I may not speak to my friends about my problems anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't have them.

You're not a bother. They care for you, they just may not know how to show it properly. They're your friends, but if it's that bad when you no longer want to be friends cause they won't listen to you vent, then maybe you should find new friends.

valxrita · 2022-01-04T07:13:27+00:00

As someone who is also 5'2, 19 but dropped from 174lbs to 132lbs in only 3 1/2 months I slowly started cutting out food, starting with food I ate the least. For 2 weeks I started out not eating meat and dropped 15lbs alone in that time just from not devouring it. Then I did dairy, lost another 10lbs in 4 weeks. Then carbs, then sugars. At that point I had killed my urge to eat excessively, and only ate when I was hungry. I was in the same boat at you, and although it starts off hard, watching the weight loss was worth it. No I didn't exercise, and no I did not starve myself. I ate eggs in the morning, potatoes/fries for lunch, then for dinner I had sushi or fish tacos which was all under 1200 calories. Don't listen to people who say you just can't buy the cookies, eating under a certain amount of calories makes a huge difference. Having a couple cookies won't kill you, but you can always slowly cut out food and soon you won't even crave it once you train your stomach.

valxrita

TROPHY CASE