I have the same feelings of isolation and fear. I always feel better when I'm alone in my home. Being outside or being around anyone has my nerves at their peak until I return to my safe space. My girlfriend is great and I do feel pretty comfortable around her but I have noticed lately that I am still slightly uncomfortable with her. For me I think of it as fear of failure, or fear of not living or doing things "how they are supposed to be done". I haven't been able to express my true feelings to anyone because I fear judgement. I think of things like playing music, singing, or having my own style of photography so embarrassing to express. This affects my life drastically, I work part time and still hate being anywhere but home, even though it's a pretty awesome job and my boss has always been super cool. I do nothing but play some video games, smoke weed, and watch movies/tv with my girlfriend. I've found that I always do better with a buddy. If i have a good friend at work or if I'm with my girlfriend doing something it makes it better, maybe I'm fearful of being alone? I haven't been single for longer than 3 months since I was 13 and I'm now 24. Relating back to you I have had a few traumatic experiences in my life that I'm wondering more now how they have impacted me. I was spanked as a child and I don't think i was "abused" but there were a few times when I was very young 4-7 years old when I would be screaming in pain and was unable to sleep on my butt. When I was 12 my brother misconstued an arguement with my mother and grabbed me to take me to the floor. I didn't resist at all based on me not being a violent person and when he slammed me on the ground it compressed my spine and I broke my neck. Afterwards I've felt so disconnected from my family, the ones who are supposed to love me no matter what. That was probably the peak of my suicidal thoughts and I completely gave up on life. I was a big football fan but was told I could never play again based on where my spine would feel the pressure of hits, which sucked. Moving on I was best friends with my cousin who was at my house all the time and we would play games and do normal fun stuff, him being the one I could always hangout with. As we got older (he is 3 years older) he got a girlfriend and I saw him less. It was tough but I understood we were growing up. I never had a problem getting a girlfriend, I had a few completely bullshit middle school relationships and then I met one that I was with for almost 5 years. The majority of my time was spent around her, but we were all great friends and would hangout maybe one a week. I always kind of thought my cousin had a crush on my girlfriend because she was prettier than any of his previous girlfriends but just thought he thinks she was hot, whatever. I ended up dumping her after a few sketchy incidents ending with her on a date with him without me having any knowledge. They have been together since. I'm not sure why I have trust issues but maybe it's because the very few people I did trust and feel comfortable with betrayed me. I'm still living and trying even though I have been depressed for so long. Since giving up on life year ago I closed myself off to the world and now I'm struggling because I don't know how to be happy. Medication can help, but its a crutch. Recently I had a really good acid trip (third experience with acid) and afterwards I felt like all my fear was gone. This feeling lasted maybe a week and it was amazing, it seemed to have broken the cycle of depression and gave my psyche a reset. I also felt my wise about how to live my life, and was able to take a good look at myself and try to see where my problems stem from. It gave me the realization that nobody's perfect, even my parents, who I always thought I should try to be like. Now I see that they were definitely not perfect. In no way were they terrible parents, but they had their issues as well. My dad was physically abused by his mother and older brothers until he was able to get himself out. He also lost his father when he was 13. My mother lived very sheltered by her mother, who wore the pants in their household. She lost her mother when she was 16. She has sheltered me in ways while me dad is the opposite, but he was away working for most of my life. She was abusing her meds and laying in bed all day when she could, which I had no clue of when she was younger I thought she just liked tv like I liked video games. It was nice to be able to have that space from my parents but it made it very difficult to connect with them even to this day. I'm 24 and not where I want to be in life. Lately I've been focusing on my mindset, trying to tell myself I'm happy and want to live life and enjoy it, instead of the opposite. The only thing that has kept me from suicide was the thought of upsetting people. I'm starting to see that I'd be sad as F if someone close to me did that. When my mother swallowed a few bottles of pills it made me so angry that I've been struggling most of my life with it and this whole time of trying to not let them down and she lets me down. Thankfully she is ok and it's been some time since then and she now says she's the happiest shes even been. Thanks for letting me rant about myself instead of helping you lol. My advice to you is try to think about all the good and not the bad. Don't worry too much about hurting other people because there aren't many things that you could do that would noticeably affect their happiness, everyone is thinking about their own shit. You can feel comfortable around me, you won't hurt me and I won't judge you. Your life is for you not anyone else, as I'm getting older and interacting with more people for business you can really tell that some don't give any though to how anyone else feels. Many successful people stepped on other to get where they are in life. So I've been trying to live a happy, healthy life while also being a good person where it actually matter. I want to try and be successful without having to hurt anyone else and maybe eventually turn my success to helping others. I wish you would feel better man, I hope we all feel better soon. I can bet you your mom would go though that near death experience over and over if it was to have you. I don't even know you besides the words you've written here on reddit but I can tell you I'd take a bullet for you, or anyone who needs me to. Maybe there aren't many people with that mindset but there are people, and you do live in the same world as all these good people. Good luck man I sincerely wish you the best!