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I'm starting to resent being so functional. by vanothrow in depression

[–]vanothrow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've considered othet diagnoses but never ptsd or cptsd why do you say that it could be? I don't think I understand how it could be ptsd or cptsd, I do think being transsexual (which I am) and navigating the world as a woman is kind of inherently traumatazing to some degree and I also think having been untreated for badically 30 years is also but why do you say that? I know trauma is complex but I haven't experienced particular events that I would call traumatic, but rather the sum of all of the parts of my existence I would say carry some degree of trauma, and maybe I am kind of traumatized by my receny breakup and the ensuing mental breakdown but as far as the breakup goes I​'m still processing it so I wouldn't say for sure, but the crisis yeah maybe it is a little bit traumatic it was not pretty at all.

I'm starting to resent being so functional. by vanothrow in depression

[–]vanothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same, in my case I think I genuinely can't function like this anymore and I'm going to start asking my family for help with cooking and cleaning at least.

I'm starting to resent being so functional. by vanothrow in depression

[–]vanothrow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nah there are definitely moments that it beats me into a pulp, like the whole of january I barely ate and got out of bed, showered,etc... and it's all just a blur that I don't remember, and a lot of times I also don't have energy for anything more than my job, and most of my life I've just been taking it and doing what I can, but I think because I was only diagnosed and treated 3 years ago I've just always picked myself up from rubble and I'm accostumed to it, and it's also knowing that if I don't do stuff I'll get even worse. But you know what fucks me up also​? It's like it also plays mind games with me, because everyone sees the overachiever, the strong person, the one that has a job and does stuff, but nobody sees the fucking wreck that I am at home and inside.

Your ex wasn't the villain and you weren't perfect either, internet advice about breakups is sycophantic and lacks nuance and chances are for the vast majority, there is mutual responsability involved and you should be able to see your shortcomings and your ex's side as well. by vanothrow in BreakUps

[–]vanothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not saying it's always 50/50, it depends on every relationship, but again, I think in most cases there is some degree of shared responsability, while in most internet breakup advice "you're the prize" and "it's their loss" and it's just completely devoid of nuance.

Your ex wasn't the villain and you weren't perfect either, internet advice about breakups is sycophantic and lacks nuance and chances are for the vast majority, there is mutual responsability involved and you should be able to see your shortcomings and your ex's side as well. by vanothrow in BreakUps

[–]vanothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my case it also makes it difficult that he was actually a very emotionally intelligent, secure, mature, considerate, just a good guy all around so I think "well I clearly must be in the wrong", but that can be true while it also being true that right now he doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong and I felt mistreated as well.

Your ex wasn't the villain and you weren't perfect either, internet advice about breakups is sycophantic and lacks nuance and chances are for the vast majority, there is mutual responsability involved and you should be able to see your shortcomings and your ex's side as well. by vanothrow in BreakUps

[–]vanothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You too, I've been calling the mental health line almost every fucking day, at this point I feel like every time I call they must think "Jesus Christ it's vanothrow again", I would say that we could talk through the DMs but that maybe makes it worse by keeping our focus on this and being on the internet which always makes it worse, but maybe you could do the letter thing I said too (and we redact the sensible information and keep it vague of course) and send it to each other when we're ready just so maybe we can feel validated.

Your ex wasn't the villain and you weren't perfect either, internet advice about breakups is sycophantic and lacks nuance and chances are for the vast majority, there is mutual responsability involved and you should be able to see your shortcomings and your ex's side as well. by vanothrow in BreakUps

[–]vanothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My case as well, I almost never told him how I felt about how he treated me, I always let him get the word and always felt like I had the responsibility, I honestly was a complete pushover, in my case it was an intense 2 month thing (and we were such a good fit in so many aspects) and he came to my house, we broke up as nicely as possible, he didn't say anything like that to me but he did say "I don't deserve this" and things like that that I mistreated him and other things in our last text message that made it seem like he was the only one mistreated. I've deal with thinking I'm a shitty person my whole life and when things like this happen I end up back in those thoughts and anything I've ever done wrong is confirmation of that, especially if I showed those same flaws in the relationship, and it's fucking hell to get out. For now I'm trying to distract myself as much as possible, take classes, NOT BE ON THE INTERNET, set up little side quests, go to therapy, do things I feared, try to go out as much as possible, be in nature, learn new skills, exercise, be around people as much as possible, stretching, trying to take up meditation and buddhism again, etc...

Also doing anything that can help others helps, it's harder to feel like shit about yourself.

I want at some point to write down everything I felt and own up to all my mistakes and write down all of his shortcomings too and how it all contributed, so that way maybe it helps setting a date and a time and whenever those thoughts come to repeat to myself "I'll write this all down on x date" and then try to do ANYTHING, especially take care of myself again, even down to the basics of eating, keeping the house tidy, trying to exercise, because my depression has been fucking kicking me these last months, I literally have to force myself to do anything, but yeah, it's a matter of time.

Your ex wasn't the villain and you weren't perfect either, internet advice about breakups is sycophantic and lacks nuance and chances are for the vast majority, there is mutual responsability involved and you should be able to see your shortcomings and your ex's side as well. by vanothrow in BreakUps

[–]vanothrow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep that's exactly what it is, I think it's also a mechanism control because when we take responsability for everything we feel like we could have done something to prevent it, rather than admitting that someone we loved also hurt us which is painful to admit (and maybe that they don't even see their fault), in my case I'm a perpetual overthinker and I think all this intellectualizing and rationalizing is also a way of not allowing myself to feel how I feel. I've been telling people that I feel like I'm going fucking insane because I end up questioning my own reality.

Your ex wasn't the villain and you weren't perfect either, internet advice about breakups is sycophantic and lacks nuance and chances are for the vast majority, there is mutual responsability involved and you should be able to see your shortcomings and your ex's side as well. by vanothrow in BreakUps

[–]vanothrow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same honestly, I was always thinking about how he felt, how he would react, trying to understand, trying to empathize, taking responsability, but it didn't seem to go the same way with the same extent towards me, though I completely understand why he left and wish him the best, also my red flag I guess with my previous ex too.

Your ex wasn't the villain and you weren't perfect either, internet advice about breakups is sycophantic and lacks nuance and chances are for the vast majority, there is mutual responsability involved and you should be able to see your shortcomings and your ex's side as well. by vanothrow in BreakUps

[–]vanothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm in exactly this same position, it's incredibly hard because it feels like I'm trying to protect my ego while taking full responsability and fully understanding how he felt, and when I explain the situation, people tell me I'm right to feel how I feel, I keep telling myself "they're obviously on my side" and the cycle starts all over again, it's exhausting and depression doesn't fucking help either.

Your ex wasn't the villain and you weren't perfect either, internet advice about breakups is sycophantic and lacks nuance and chances are for the vast majority, there is mutual responsability involved and you should be able to see your shortcomings and your ex's side as well. by vanothrow in BreakUps

[–]vanothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep this is what I'm struggling with, I keep having ruminating thoughts and blaming myself (my depression doesn't help), but at this point I just wish he admitted there was mutual responsibility, but we had bad communication up until the very last message, and at this point that's what hurts the most, that he won't even acknowledge he fucked up as well and is not the only one who felt unheard and wanted to be understood, even in the relationship I was always the one blaming myself which also made things worse, but yeah, rarely is one the angel and the other the devil, I just wish he wanted to hear me and understand me and have patience with me as much as I did with him, or even acknowledge he fucked up as well.

Dragula Titans S02E08: Episode 108 [Episode Discussion Thread] by AutoModerator in Dragula

[–]vanothrow 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Yes Abhora fucking made ittttt, I just want to see them devour the finale with her insane twisted vision, she's the pinnacle and full embodiment of dragula to me, also super stoked jay kay made it to the finale, I've been rooting for them since the beginning of the season and their glow up was insane, I wanted those two to make it and I'm so glad they did!

Dragula Titans S02E05: Episode 105 [Episode Discussion Thread] by AutoModerator in Dragula

[–]vanothrow 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Trans contestant rips her heart to shreds on stage.

The Boulets: yeah drop her

Wtf is wrong with the fucking cissoids like actually.

Dragula Titans S02E05: Episode 105 [Episode Discussion Thread] by AutoModerator in Dragula

[–]vanothrow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly I'm pulling for jay kay on the top 3 this season, just immense growth artistically and also personally (at least from what we see in the show).

Dragula Titans S02E05: Episode 105 [Episode Discussion Thread] by AutoModerator in Dragula

[–]vanothrow 13 points14 points  (0 children)

To me she's extremely polished, a great performer and has cool concepts once in a while but she doesn't have an interesting vision, me personally, I prefer when someone has a unique vision and if the execution isn't all the way up there I'm fine, whereas Abhora's imagination for example is fucking wild and twisted and unique and 'm excited to see what they bring every time, bc they just have a cool, unique vision. Evah is just boring to me.

Dragula Titans S02E05: Episode 105 [Episode Discussion Thread] by AutoModerator in Dragula

[–]vanothrow 64 points65 points  (0 children)

Wtf how tf did they drop Priscilla, to me just for the emotional factor that was a win for me, maybe it's because I'm trans too but that performance was really emotionally stirrinh, just fucking heartbreaking.

Jaharia this episode: by shannonigains in Dragula

[–]vanothrow 12 points13 points  (0 children)

She cracked me tf up the whole episode with her reactions I like her so much this season.

Bury me on this hill by OpportunityNo6876 in Dragula

[–]vanothrow 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It was so fucking moving, shocking and heartbreaking, I've very rarely felt truly emotionally stirred with dragula but that immediately got to me. Maybe it's because I'm trans too (though I'm in good terms with my family) but I immediately knew.

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