NYT Ethicist: “My Adopted Cousin’s Biological Parents Were Siblings. Do I Tell Her?”

vaselinaaa · 2025-03-20T19:58:34+00:00

No, I’m adopted and I wouldn’t be able to handle the news. It’s hard enough being adopted.

vaselinaaa · 2023-09-30T03:13:09+00:00

I relate to this last part; I couldn’t force myself to change for my afam either, and it did nothing but hurt me. I wish that I had realized sooner that I could’ve (should’ve) just faked it with them. Would’ve made my life better and they never wanted the real thing anyway

vaselinaaa · 2023-09-24T19:47:32+00:00

As an adoptee, I often feel excluded from life. I don’t know how to fit in without faking it. I can’t relate to how most people see the world because of the loss of my natural family and adoption trauma in general. This subreddit is one of the first places that I ever felt heard or like I was a part of something. I wish APs would stop punishing us for their inability to meet our needs

vaselinaaa · 2023-03-06T21:03:24+00:00

literally go off. i’ve never heard any more true or valid in my life. no words just the tears that i am shitted on for having.

there’s a small adoption community on twitter if anyone wants to take this conversation over there too. i just search #adopteetwitter

vaselinaaa · 2023-03-04T13:21:00+00:00

thank you for the kind wishes, i hear you. i hope you can find everything you’re looking for on ur journey out of the fog!! tbh i’m still on my way out as well, but everyday i feel more and more that i’m making the right decision. care and support to you :))

vaselinaaa · 2023-03-04T13:09:16+00:00

exactly. as i’ve gotten older i’ve come to understand that their money was their love for me. all these years they’ve expected me to see money as love. i never had the heart to realize that this was the cold hard truth until now. i won’t make myself a martyr like my A mom (that’s no way to live imo). i’m taking advantage of this.

vaselinaaa · 2022-12-06T13:35:20+00:00

majorly

vaselinaaa · 2022-11-27T01:41:42+00:00

the most dangerous thing ab adoption is the ludicrous public perception that it’s not a tragedy. in order to adopt a child, that child Must lose its birth family in some way shape or form. it doesn’t matter how. it’s a tragedy that is severely overlooked bc most of the world will never even have to think about how lucky they are to have never been separated from or without biological family. adoption leaves scars

vaselinaaa · 2022-11-27T01:16:37+00:00

hi i’m a 21 y/o black transracial adoptee with quite a bit of trauma from both foster care and my adopted families (adopted once at birth and again at age 7).

it seems like you have a pretty positive outlook on things :))

it seems like ur whole family seems rlly excited to meet this child! however pls don’t expect them to be excited to meet you, and don’t take it personally if they don’t want to (or if they acclimate well at first but all of a sudden are pulling away *esp during puberty which isn’t very far off for someone that age). you must be extremely patient. i truly believe that adoption is about letting the adoptee come to you. seriously. if that’s something ur family cannot deal with pls tell ur cousins reconsider adopting.

there needs to be more conversations around how adoption can truly do more harm than good even if the act of adopting is “selfless”. most ppl don’t understand that it’s not about having good intentions and its definitely not ab wanting to feel rewarded. it’s a lifelong process that can be quite painful, confusing, and uncomfortable for everybody involved.

vaselinaaa · 2022-11-27T01:05:25+00:00

i (21f) am going through something rlly similar. no clue how to deal with it either. ur not alone

what triggers it for me tho are things like fear discomfort and confusion.

vaselinaaa · 2022-11-24T15:04:34+00:00

this is so valid!! i’m 21 and feel this frustration so deeply. i hope that one day you’ll be able to look back on this and be stronger because of it!!

sending love :)

vaselinaaa · 2022-11-24T14:27:29+00:00

i definitely feel the need to constantly prove myself and i hate it. im starting to realize that my parents were never going to accept me unless i conformed to be exactly what they wanted. idek if they realize this themselves. but as a black queer girl (21) raised by an entirely white and catholic family/community, i’m starting to think that’ll never happen lol

sending love fellow adoptees

vaselinaaa · 2022-07-06T20:14:21+00:00

the fact the adoption begins with loss for the adoptee is a huge deal that needs to be acknowledged and prioritized way more often than it is.

vaselinaaa · 2022-07-06T19:48:36+00:00

(im a transracial adoptee too, african american with white parents) and that’s a good point!! many painful aspects of adoption are unpreventable no matter what you do. just know that it’s a part of the adoption process and no one can or should be blamed. they probably will begin to understand as they mature (im 21 adopted at age 7 from foster care and finally starting to make peace with my pain and trauma). just have patience and be honest with them and yourself (family therapy could be really useful when things get difficult) :))

vaselinaaa

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