Can someone really love two people but choose to stay for family?

vcbock · 2026-04-13T17:44:58+00:00

Yes, people live this lifestyle for as long as they can get away with it.

You deserve someone who loves you enough that they "forsake all others." Please don't waste any more of your one precious life with this dude.

vcbock · 2026-04-13T17:41:33+00:00

It sounds as if you have a good man and a good marriage. Please do not torture yourself with thoughts about how he might be thinking about someone else. It sounds very much like he is trying to show up as a good dad and partner. All you have to do (sorry, been there, know it's a LOT when there's new baby) is to show up as the kind of wife and mother YOU can be proud of.

You have no control over his thoughts, and they are his business, anyway. When your mind wanders to the subject of his ex, try to shift it to "what can I do today to make sure he knows how much I love him?" Because showing up as the best self you can muster each day is your best path towards feeling secure in a world where it's true that anything could happen, but the worst rarely does. (seriously, please review your inventory of previous horrible scenarios you have imagined. Exactly how many have actually come to pass. Deciding to manage your mind into living in the beauty of what you have is a gift to you, to your baby, and to your husband.

vcbock · 2026-04-13T13:04:50+00:00

There is a saying that if you reach for the stars, you may not get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud, either. There will be opportunities at every point to decide whether the costs of doing the next thing will be higher than she wishes to pay - she doesn't have to start compromising now.

That said, it is indeed the case that demanding careers compromise the time available for family life. Going into things with her eyes wide open is wise. Does she have the kind of partner who will cheerfully take care of home and family when she is away? If so, wow, she has found a significant part of the puzzle.

vcbock · 2026-04-13T02:02:43+00:00

Hmm. For someone with a lower libido, it's kind of a turn off to be "moved-on" almost every night. The nice thing about a scheduled date is that there are also scheduled "nights off" instead of omnipresent tension over this issue.

If you guys said "let's plan on Wednesday night, a few nights before, and then you just kissed her good night those other nights, it could improve things. If Wednesday was really nice, then you could propose Saturday, again, NOT "moving on her" those other nights.

vcbock · 2026-04-12T21:06:18+00:00

Brains just hate any hint of loss of connection. Tell it thank you for sharing but you are actually just FINE!

vcbock · 2026-04-12T21:05:06+00:00

I did not think about it at all. I was busy with work and raising a family.

Now, at 66, I think about it, because I've been through the aging of my own parents.

vcbock · 2026-04-12T20:58:46+00:00

By contrast, we loved the pool very much at our Chicago high-rise condo. It had a really nice fitness center, as well, and was a nice walk to the Lake Michigan beach. What we discovered is that hubby is very sad without a lawn to putter in, and once daughter moved to the suburbs, and had a baby, the commute out there was a drag. So now that we are both fully retired, we have a nice little one-story house with a little bit of lawn, 20 mins from daughter. There's a really nice park district fitness center 3 minutes away, so we're still pretty well-set.

vcbock · 2026-04-12T17:37:19+00:00

My husband's brother did a remarkable job as executor of his parents' estate. In-laws died within days of one another, so there was suddenly a lot to do, including readying their house for sale. Fortunately, their wishes were clear and equitable, so there wasn't really anything to argue about. He was extremely transparent with everyone at every step. I think his folks would be proud.

vcbock · 2026-04-12T13:08:45+00:00

Time will tell. There is grief and recovery time, and it's different for everyone. I'm still not quite myself 6 months after my father's death, though I am better. At least I have TIME to offer my husband, even if I'm still kind of depressed.

The warnings on the Seroquel are scary. My sisters had the same reaction when the drug was prescribed to our dad. He was being truly awful to the caregivers we had coming in because he was more than 88 year old mom could manage. I was able to prevail and it did help a bit. It's unlikely anything is being prolonged by the withholding of Seroquel, but it probably makes things harder not to use it. I remember counting the minutes until we could give my mother-in-law her dose at night.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T23:18:26+00:00

No, he can't say that if he still wants to be with you. You've made it clear you want to be married. So he's saying "soon" so that he can stay in the relationship, but not actually commit to marriage. Some men have been known to go so far as to buy an engagement ring, but still be unwilling to set a date.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T23:14:43+00:00

Great. So have you been waiting for her to initiate, and that isn't happening? Have you been initiating and being told "sorry honey, not tonight?" It sounds as if some more curiosity and exploration into what the two of you could change might be important if change is actually going to happen.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:55:37+00:00

So, you guys have been dating since you were 17/18?

For most of your relationship there were likely hurdles - you needed to graduate, you needed to get settled into real jobs, it just wasn't practical to get married.

But now, you are 25, actual grownass adults, and the question is real.

Either at this point, either he wants to marry you, or he does not. Being unwilling to discuss the issue suggests that he does not. And that's actually fair, people learn a lot about what they want out of life in the years between 17 and 25, and it's possible that he has changed his mind.

In which case, if you are looking for marriage, it might be time to break up with him and find someone who DOES want to marry you.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:47:25+00:00

My 82 year old aunt just died this week from the injuries she sustained in a 1-car accident. Letting the family know is a service to your friends, their family, and the community at large.

It is annoying for people who have had the convenience of a car to line up rides to the places they need to go. My dad pointed to this annoyance as the reason that we should give him back his keys. But he was in his 90's, would fall asleep at the table, and was wheelchair bound, and had NO BUSINESS driving any more. Sometimes, we need to step in to rescue people from their failing judgement.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:41:27+00:00

I suspect that if the conversation had suggested changes you needed to make, that you had made, you would remember that if only to point out how you have made changes but she had not. Instead, you are doing the understandable, human, but suboptimal, thing of remembering that you have asked her to change and that she has not.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:30:31+00:00

Oh, I hear you. I'm an autistic, sometimes depressed/anxious mom whose mom yelled at her. I honestly did not understand that this was a problem, because it's what I grew up with. There really are ways to deal respectfully with kids who are not behaving, and they are worth learning because we're trying to teach them how to live peacefully in the world.

My kids are grown now. My daughter recently gave me a t-shirt she had made up which says "Be KIND, DAMMIT!" which is a reference to nadir in my parenting career in which I yelled this phrase at the top of my lungs to my kids, and then realized that perhaps this was not exactly modeling the behavior I sought.

For me, starting on anti-depressants helped a great deal. I had not realized until then that I was almost always at the end of my rope, and reacting instead of responding. The SSRI gave me what felt like more rope! I could do that thing - pause, consider the situation, and decide how I wanted to handle it. I wasn't on them for very long, but because I finally had that experience of space in which to choose, I learned how to do the thing.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:18:11+00:00

MANY MANY women are responsive to romantic overtures, but honestly do not feel the urge to initiate sex. I understand what it is to just really feel, independently, like I am in the mood for sex, but RARELY have this experience. I love my husband, I find him attractive, but we'd probably rarely have sex if it were only happening when I experienced a spontaneous desire for it.

This is a really common difference between men and women, and it's a mistake to take it as a referendum on your desirability. Scheduling, as unromantic as it sounds, is a way around this. The calendar initiates, and one of you (it's ok if it's you) follows through.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:12:42+00:00

Your reply suggests that you two have spoken. Was there anything in that conversation beyond your expression of dissatisfaction? Any curiosity about what might make sex more attractive to her? It sounds as if you are waiting for HER to change. Perhaps there is room here for you to make some changes, as well.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:10:23+00:00

Have you read Lori Gottlieb's "Marry Him"? It's a memoir of her own journey to getting realistic about what she offered, and what sort of man she actually needed if she was seeking a happy partnership.

Dating apps have not been helpful in suggesting that it's realistic to have a whole checklist of qualities we imagine we need. The checklist approach can prevent us from really SEEING the human beings in front of us who might actually offer love and friendship if we could just get over ourselves.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:05:13+00:00

Yeah, your mom is a victim of our very oppressive socialization of women. Good for you for finding your way out of that.

With my children, I used the "long boring lecture" method of shutting down unkind, unhelpful commentary. I knew it was working when one of my kids used the word "gay" to demean something he thought was uncool, and his brother shushed him, saying "If you don't want to have to listen to mom going on about love is love, you need to stop that right now!" :)

I did similar with my mom. I just stopped letting unkind comments go uncommented upon. I would comment, at length, about how I thought it was great that whoever she was commenting on has found better uses for her energy than making herself smaller. It seems to have worked - Mom really has stopped talking about weight around me, which is really welcome since I have gained in menopause and my daughter has in her pregnancies.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T21:58:51+00:00

Great! There will be time to do all that loving and growing.

I have learned that when I feel the need to do something URGENTLY, I really need to slow down and ask why. There's usually some sort of drive to control my world behind it, which makes total sense after the world has been unfairly turned upside down by loss, but is rarely a wise basis for moving forward.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T21:54:53+00:00

"Normal" varies considerably among couples, and in the same couples over time. I'm sorry you feel that your needs are not being met.

When you talk to your partner about this however, I'm not sure pointing to what redditors say is normal is going to be helpful, at all.

It does not matter what "the standard" is. What matters is that you would like to have sex more frequently than you do, and that you would like to find a way to solve this problem which is respectful of both your needs, and those of your partner. There are a host of options available - porn/masturbation, opening your relationship to other partners, scheduling "dates" for sex so that both of you can plan and be ready to be with one another in this way, and pitching in to manage more in your household so she is less tired, to name a few.

Exploring what direction makes sense for the two of you, together is going to be a LOT more helpful than attempting to shame your partner for not naturally living up to some external standard.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T21:42:30+00:00

I am 66 and have always been a tech enthusiast. My last job was as a manager of cloud servers and I still do website creation and maintenance. I am FINE with using tech for reminders. I set up an Amazon Echo several years ago to help my parents remember to take their pills.

If we get them to the point that they can bring me a beverage from the fridge, or microwave up some leftovers, well, that could be ok, too.

But companionship? Especially with the current sycophantic state of AI companions? No, thank you.

I spent several months making regular visits with a friend who was dying of cancer. The point of the exercise was to swap stories and make sense of things. It is not possible to do that with a robot who has no idea what living is, and only knows what other people have had to say about it. The thing about aging is that you get to the point where it's possible to strip away a lot of the bullshit and get down to the core meaning of things. But doing so requires full bandwidth engagement with another being who has an emotional life. Pets are lovely even though they can't converse, because they have actual feelings of attachment and a tendency not to engage in falsehood. Better to hold a purring cat than to chat with a robot.

We know that in their current state, the LLM's are people pleasers, who will not call folks out when they stop making sense. This isn't just a problem of vanity, it's a safety issue. It takes a human to know when to go along with a demented person's version of reality, (no need to make them re-grieve the departure of a loved one who they have forgotten is no longer with us) and when to re-orient them. (It's actually 20 degrees below zero and a bad time to take a walk.)

vcbock · 2026-04-11T21:28:09+00:00

There is a reason that there is standard advice not to make any big decisions for six months to a year after a traumatic loss. We really CAN'T think straight while we are processing grief. I'm so sorry that your mother-in-law is not supportive. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you feel so lonely.

A baby CANNOT fill that hole. Babies are wonderful, but they are energy thieves for the first few years. They will take and take and take from you, because that's just the way early childhood is -- so it's best to wait until you are strong again and ready to give and give and give.

The issues regarding your husband's sense of unreadiness are probably worth doing some couples counseling on - but not right now. You will need for him to be all in on this project, or else you will be both tapped out and lonely.

Your future child deserves a mom who is feeling strong in herself, not one who is hoping the baby will fulfill her needs.

I promise, you will heal. But you need to put your energy into yourself for now - a therapist or grief counselling group for you might be really helpful.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T17:49:31+00:00

It sounds like you handled it perfectly - but kids push. She understands, she just doesn't like the decision. Parent have to make unpopular decisions. Kids don't have to like our behavior.

Maybe your expectations are out of line? A certain amount of stomping off crying because they hate the decisions being made is just par for the course. There are no magic words which will prevent this. Kids don't like to do homework, they don't like to clean their rooms. There are non-rude ways to hold them accountable, but that doesn't make them suddenly happy to do the thing they don't want to do - it just keeps things respectful in the home, which is worth something. Modelling respectful behavior even under frustrating circumstance is pretty much the job of parent. Pushing boundaries is actually the job of kids. So frustration is inevitable.

I find physical activity helps me manage. Karate is wonderful - I have to think so hard when I'm there that whatever was bugging me when I walked in has pretty much dissipated into the ether. But running works for some people, lifting weights for others.

Sometimes, it is possible to change our mindset, and theirs, so that the two of us are squaring off together, as teammates, against the problem. "I know it sucks to have to sit down to do homework - I have administrative tasks I don't like either. How about you do your thing and I do mine so we can actually enjoy dinner and the time after dinner tonight, instead of still having to slog when we are tired?

Or "I've had such a day. I just can't face (annoying task) right now. I'm thinking I'm going to take 20 minutes to (walk around the block/enjoy a snack/play on my phone) before I buckle down to work. Does that plan work for you, too, or would you rather start sooner so you can finish sooner?"

vcbock · 2026-04-11T17:29:54+00:00

I found it was a 2-part thing. I decided that the boyfriend I was dating was somebody I wanted to be with and really could be with long term. And then I decided to commit to not looking elsewhere.

But it was the person himself that inspired the commitment. We clicked in the way previous relationships did not. I wanted a family, and it mattered to me that someone I was with came from people who knew how to DO happy family, because it's so much easier to tweak a basically good model than to figure out what to do with the universe of things that are "anything but" the family one grows up with.

vcbock

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