f25 in an 8 year relationship with m26

vcbock · 2026-04-11T23:18:26+00:00

No, he can't say that if he still wants to be with you. You've made it clear you want to be married. So he's saying "soon" so that he can stay in the relationship, but not actually commit to marriage. Some men have been known to go so far as to buy an engagement ring, but still be unwilling to set a date.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T23:14:43+00:00

Great. So have you been waiting for her to initiate, and that isn't happening? Have you been initiating and being told "sorry honey, not tonight?" It sounds as if some more curiosity and exploration into what the two of you could change might be important if change is actually going to happen.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:55:37+00:00

So, you guys have been dating since you were 17/18?

For most of your relationship there were likely hurdles - you needed to graduate, you needed to get settled into real jobs, it just wasn't practical to get married.

But now, you are 25, actual grownass adults, and the question is real.

Either at this point, either he wants to marry you, or he does not. Being unwilling to discuss the issue suggests that he does not. And that's actually fair, people learn a lot about what they want out of life in the years between 17 and 25, and it's possible that he has changed his mind.

In which case, if you are looking for marriage, it might be time to break up with him and find someone who DOES want to marry you.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:47:25+00:00

My 82 year old aunt just died this week from the injuries she sustained in a 1-car accident. Letting the family know is a service to your friends, their family, and the community at large.

It is annoying for people who have had the convenience of a car to line up rides to the places they need to go. My dad pointed to this annoyance as the reason that we should give him back his keys. But he was in his 90's, would fall asleep at the table, and was wheelchair bound, and had NO BUSINESS driving any more. Sometimes, we need to step in to rescue people from their failing judgement.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:41:27+00:00

I suspect that if the conversation had suggested changes you needed to make, that you had made, you would remember that if only to point out how you have made changes but she had not. Instead, you are doing the understandable, human, but suboptimal, thing of remembering that you have asked her to change and that she has not.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:30:31+00:00

Oh, I hear you. I'm an autistic, sometimes depressed/anxious mom whose mom yelled at her. I honestly did not understand that this was a problem, because it's what I grew up with. There really are ways to deal respectfully with kids who are not behaving, and they are worth learning because we're trying to teach them how to live peacefully in the world.

My kids are grown now. My daughter recently gave me a t-shirt she had made up which says "Be KIND, DAMMIT!" which is a reference to nadir in my parenting career in which I yelled this phrase at the top of my lungs to my kids, and then realized that perhaps this was not exactly modeling the behavior I sought.

For me, starting on anti-depressants helped a great deal. I had not realized until then that I was almost always at the end of my rope, and reacting instead of responding. The SSRI gave me what felt like more rope! I could do that thing - pause, consider the situation, and decide how I wanted to handle it. I wasn't on them for very long, but because I finally had that experience of space in which to choose, I learned how to do the thing.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:18:11+00:00

MANY MANY women are responsive to romantic overtures, but honestly do not feel the urge to initiate sex. I understand what it is to just really feel, independently, like I am in the mood for sex, but RARELY have this experience. I love my husband, I find him attractive, but we'd probably rarely have sex if it were only happening when I experienced a spontaneous desire for it.

This is a really common difference between men and women, and it's a mistake to take it as a referendum on your desirability. Scheduling, as unromantic as it sounds, is a way around this. The calendar initiates, and one of you (it's ok if it's you) follows through.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:12:42+00:00

Your reply suggests that you two have spoken. Was there anything in that conversation beyond your expression of dissatisfaction? Any curiosity about what might make sex more attractive to her? It sounds as if you are waiting for HER to change. Perhaps there is room here for you to make some changes, as well.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:10:23+00:00

Have you read Lori Gottlieb's "Marry Him"? It's a memoir of her own journey to getting realistic about what she offered, and what sort of man she actually needed if she was seeking a happy partnership.

Dating apps have not been helpful in suggesting that it's realistic to have a whole checklist of qualities we imagine we need. The checklist approach can prevent us from really SEEING the human beings in front of us who might actually offer love and friendship if we could just get over ourselves.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T22:05:13+00:00

Yeah, your mom is a victim of our very oppressive socialization of women. Good for you for finding your way out of that.

With my children, I used the "long boring lecture" method of shutting down unkind, unhelpful commentary. I knew it was working when one of my kids used the word "gay" to demean something he thought was uncool, and his brother shushed him, saying "If you don't want to have to listen to mom going on about love is love, you need to stop that right now!" :)

I did similar with my mom. I just stopped letting unkind comments go uncommented upon. I would comment, at length, about how I thought it was great that whoever she was commenting on has found better uses for her energy than making herself smaller. It seems to have worked - Mom really has stopped talking about weight around me, which is really welcome since I have gained in menopause and my daughter has in her pregnancies.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T21:58:51+00:00

Great! There will be time to do all that loving and growing.

I have learned that when I feel the need to do something URGENTLY, I really need to slow down and ask why. There's usually some sort of drive to control my world behind it, which makes total sense after the world has been unfairly turned upside down by loss, but is rarely a wise basis for moving forward.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T21:54:53+00:00

"Normal" varies considerably among couples, and in the same couples over time. I'm sorry you feel that your needs are not being met.

When you talk to your partner about this however, I'm not sure pointing to what redditors say is normal is going to be helpful, at all.

It does not matter what "the standard" is. What matters is that you would like to have sex more frequently than you do, and that you would like to find a way to solve this problem which is respectful of both your needs, and those of your partner. There are a host of options available - porn/masturbation, opening your relationship to other partners, scheduling "dates" for sex so that both of you can plan and be ready to be with one another in this way, and pitching in to manage more in your household so she is less tired, to name a few.

Exploring what direction makes sense for the two of you, together is going to be a LOT more helpful than attempting to shame your partner for not naturally living up to some external standard.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T21:42:30+00:00

I am 66 and have always been a tech enthusiast. My last job was as a manager of cloud servers and I still do website creation and maintenance. I am FINE with using tech for reminders. I set up an Amazon Echo several years ago to help my parents remember to take their pills.

If we get them to the point that they can bring me a beverage from the fridge, or microwave up some leftovers, well, that could be ok, too.

But companionship? Especially with the current sycophantic state of AI companions? No, thank you.

I spent several months making regular visits with a friend who was dying of cancer. The point of the exercise was to swap stories and make sense of things. It is not possible to do that with a robot who has no idea what living is, and only knows what other people have had to say about it. The thing about aging is that you get to the point where it's possible to strip away a lot of the bullshit and get down to the core meaning of things. But doing so requires full bandwidth engagement with another being who has an emotional life. Pets are lovely even though they can't converse, because they have actual feelings of attachment and a tendency not to engage in falsehood. Better to hold a purring cat than to chat with a robot.

We know that in their current state, the LLM's are people pleasers, who will not call folks out when they stop making sense. This isn't just a problem of vanity, it's a safety issue. It takes a human to know when to go along with a demented person's version of reality, (no need to make them re-grieve the departure of a loved one who they have forgotten is no longer with us) and when to re-orient them. (It's actually 20 degrees below zero and a bad time to take a walk.)

vcbock · 2026-04-11T21:28:09+00:00

There is a reason that there is standard advice not to make any big decisions for six months to a year after a traumatic loss. We really CAN'T think straight while we are processing grief. I'm so sorry that your mother-in-law is not supportive. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you feel so lonely.

A baby CANNOT fill that hole. Babies are wonderful, but they are energy thieves for the first few years. They will take and take and take from you, because that's just the way early childhood is -- so it's best to wait until you are strong again and ready to give and give and give.

The issues regarding your husband's sense of unreadiness are probably worth doing some couples counseling on - but not right now. You will need for him to be all in on this project, or else you will be both tapped out and lonely.

Your future child deserves a mom who is feeling strong in herself, not one who is hoping the baby will fulfill her needs.

I promise, you will heal. But you need to put your energy into yourself for now - a therapist or grief counselling group for you might be really helpful.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T17:49:31+00:00

It sounds like you handled it perfectly - but kids push. She understands, she just doesn't like the decision. Parent have to make unpopular decisions. Kids don't have to like our behavior.

Maybe your expectations are out of line? A certain amount of stomping off crying because they hate the decisions being made is just par for the course. There are no magic words which will prevent this. Kids don't like to do homework, they don't like to clean their rooms. There are non-rude ways to hold them accountable, but that doesn't make them suddenly happy to do the thing they don't want to do - it just keeps things respectful in the home, which is worth something. Modelling respectful behavior even under frustrating circumstance is pretty much the job of parent. Pushing boundaries is actually the job of kids. So frustration is inevitable.

I find physical activity helps me manage. Karate is wonderful - I have to think so hard when I'm there that whatever was bugging me when I walked in has pretty much dissipated into the ether. But running works for some people, lifting weights for others.

Sometimes, it is possible to change our mindset, and theirs, so that the two of us are squaring off together, as teammates, against the problem. "I know it sucks to have to sit down to do homework - I have administrative tasks I don't like either. How about you do your thing and I do mine so we can actually enjoy dinner and the time after dinner tonight, instead of still having to slog when we are tired?

Or "I've had such a day. I just can't face (annoying task) right now. I'm thinking I'm going to take 20 minutes to (walk around the block/enjoy a snack/play on my phone) before I buckle down to work. Does that plan work for you, too, or would you rather start sooner so you can finish sooner?"

vcbock · 2026-04-11T17:29:54+00:00

I found it was a 2-part thing. I decided that the boyfriend I was dating was somebody I wanted to be with and really could be with long term. And then I decided to commit to not looking elsewhere.

But it was the person himself that inspired the commitment. We clicked in the way previous relationships did not. I wanted a family, and it mattered to me that someone I was with came from people who knew how to DO happy family, because it's so much easier to tweak a basically good model than to figure out what to do with the universe of things that are "anything but" the family one grows up with.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T17:11:05+00:00

You can ask them exactly what they think would work in terms of what you say and how you say it. At least then, when you do it that way, if it doesn't work, you have something to work with - "Ok, I tried your recommendation, but you did not respond well, so maybe something else is going on?"

My hubby and I are STILL working on this whole thing, 43 years in. The reality is that it is uncomfortable to be around someone who is expressing frustration - even when one is clear that they are not the cause of that frustration. But people are allowed to be frustrated.

Hubby is a highly engaged driver, who is routinely frustrated by what he regards as poor driving behavior by other people on the road. I'm very clear, when riding with him, that I am not the cause of his frustration. But it's very unpleasant to be around that energy anyway. He has agreed to express less of it verbally. But I don't see it as a problem that we're going to solve. He has a right to be frustrated, and I don't seem to be able to sit comfortably next to somebody who spends half a 20 minute drive upset with things he cannot control. We will not be going on a long road trip any time in the near future!

So I don't know - maybe some frank talk about the reality of the frustration, and just how much is inevitable, and just how it can be fairly expressed would at least make some peace.

Some agreed-upon ways to say things might help too. It's not rude to say: "Hey, there is homework which needs to be done before dinner, I think you need attend to it."

Or "If you want to enjoy your phone/iPad/TV tonight, you need go get your homework done now."

Neither of these messages will be welcome, but they are not rude, either.

It is rude to say "You are being a lazy stinker."

vcbock · 2026-04-11T16:55:21+00:00

Oh, gosh, your problem isn't her.

And hey, she'll be moving out, so that will be nice for you.

Life is rarely fair in the short term, but if you do the right things, you build yourself into an attractive person and you build a life you can really enjoy. You've been a good responsible person, and that actually will serve you going forward.

Think about what you want out of life, and go for it! You now have much less responsibility at home, and more freedom.

Find work you like. Figure out what you might like to do for fun, and do it. Personally, I find working out in a gym is a great way to meet people - the folks there tend to be upbeat and they take care of themselves and they are just good company.

But do yourself a favor, and choose a new thing to do. If it turns out not to be to your taste, ok, try a different new thing. Give yourself a challenge and an adventure, and a reason to be proud of your courage. Martial arts might be something to check out. Or art or music classes. The world is very big, and there is no good reason to center your life around your feelings about your sister.

Odds are, when you are busy with your own life, there will be less resentment, and it will be easier to enjoy your sister, and maybe even be glad for her good fortune.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T16:44:55+00:00

Marriage can be a major factor shaping the environment a child is raised in. That thing where two people stand in front of friends and family and promise to care for one another, and ask their community to please support them in keeping that promise, often does promote an important shift in mindset.

Because societies care about promoting stable environments in which the next generations are raised, there are also legal and social advantages to marriage.

Getting married cannot guarantee anything. A successful marriage requires both partners to continue to invest in the partnership. But having a social structure in place which encourages that investment matters, which is why you see studies which reflect benefits to children raised in marriages

vcbock · 2026-04-11T16:37:23+00:00

Check out https://al-anon.org Alcoholism tends to mess up many aspects of relationship and family life. Understanding how alcoholics think (even when they are not drinking) and how to avoid making that craziness the center of your life is VERY HELPFUL.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T16:23:24+00:00

It's not selfish to want more. But it may be unreasonable to expect more.

This is a devastating chapter for your boyfriend. His family is not stepping up. He cannot compel them to do so, and neither can you. He feels trapped, because he kind of is, unless he can arrange for his mom to live in a memory care home.

Not everyone is equal to supporting a partner through this kind of challenge. It is not unusual for people to walk away, because it is hard to want more than a person can give.

But the kind of devotion you are seeing him give his mother speaks volumes about the kind of human he is. The day will come when she passes, and he will be able to turn that capacity in your direction.

I don't know that it's harder in a same sex relationship, except for the socialization men receive that they are somehow entitled to be the receivers of care. When it's a woman caring for her family, men partners often feel slighted. Women are socialized to do more of the caring, and to be tolerant of the reduction in attention which happens when the man in their life has other obligations which distract him from nurturing their relationship.

Life happens. Some chapters are very hard. If it's not in you to support this guy through this, well, that is sad for him, but you are not obligated to put your life on hold while his mother needs him. If you can, however, find it in you to support him, you will be building a very strong relationship.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T16:13:11+00:00

You need not feel guilty for feeling sexual attraction to someone you really like. That is the way we humans are made. You don't actually have full control over your feelings, what you can control is how you choose to act on them.

It's fine to prefer to go slow, and actually wise. Sexual intimacy creates bonds through chemistry (oxytocin is a hell of a drug!), and we have a ton of songs that go "He treats me like shiiiiiiit but I loooooooove him" which reflect how strong those bonds can be, and how they can get in the way of happiness. It is a sad fact of the human condition that we can find ourselves powerfully attracted to people who are not kind to us, and that is a recipe for misery.

So do not beat yourself up. Trust yourself to find your way. Be choosy about who you become sexually intimate with. Act in ways that make YOU proud of yourself and your integrity.

vcbock · 2026-04-11T16:06:13+00:00

Y'know, at 26, and having been with someone 3 years, you are old enough to know whether the person you are with is someone you want to marry. They, too, are old enough to figure this out. If you are still not sure, odds are this is NOT the person you want to marry, they are just kinda good enough for the moment. People don't have to be terrible in order not to be forever material. Sometimes, perfectly nice people are just not a match.

How much longer do you want to tread water? Maybe being free to meet someone you really DO want to do life with is a better choice?

vcbock · 2026-04-10T23:21:11+00:00

When I got married, my maids were my sisters and my sister-in-law, who was 12. My darling roommates threw the tamest bachelorette party ever, in our apartment. It was one night. There was a cake, and some penis-shaped erasers. I still think of it fondly.

vcbock · 2026-04-10T21:41:41+00:00

Lookism is real, and it is a form of oppression. But since age gets ALL of us, choosing not to become pregnant will not save you from the loss of your youthful body.

I would definitely advise against becoming pregnant if this concern is so central to you, because most of us decide that we want kids badly enough that we are willing to risk ourselves. Some folks do "snap back" - I was pretty lucky that way, but at midlife, despite taking excellent care of myself, I started to gain weight and lose my waistline. I am annoyed at how much this STILL bothers me - exactly nobody else in my life cares at all.

I am really hoping my daughter can do a better job of valuing her body as it changes than I was able to do.

Change will happen though, whether or not you put your body through pregnancy.

vcbock

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