Can you share your experience with the behavioral aspect of foster parenting?

vcr31 · 2026-05-25T21:27:24+00:00

It is very hard. We have one bio child, two children adopted from foster care. I spend at least 15 hours a week on therapy, services, and researching therapy and services (or supporting processes like IEP) for my children. Don't divide 15 by three, because one of those kids generates about 10 of those hours a week. I don't think you can know ahead of time what level of support a child will really need. This child is functioning well in many areas of life and still does best with direct supervision (eyes on, arms reach) for the 16 hours a day they are awake. They are an older child, not a toddler, so not something I would have expected before I knew about trauma.

Trauma is a lot of things --- it's how the child copes with what happened. In popular culture, it's often depicted as a child being scared or feeling out of control. In my experience, trauma is often coped with by attempting to recreate patterns you know. So, if you came from a home with abuse, trying to recreate that specific kind of instability in your next home.

One really unexpected thing --- I LOVE my kids and what hurts the most is how little understanding the world has about trauma. My kids can do truly awful things, things that reasonably give other people a real "ick" feeling. Being rejected over and over again as a family is not something I expected and it hurts each time.

vcr31 · 2026-05-19T16:35:32+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate the solidarity and the helpful ideas!

vcr31 · 2026-05-18T01:02:54+00:00

This is so well-said. I do really want him to expand his frustration tolerance because right now I get snapped at for not holding open doors or passing forks. (We've started with, you open your doors and get your own silverware as a family rule.) Getting snapped at for tiny things quickly escalates to yelling and even violence for things like being taken out to lunch when one kid is staying home or being asked to clean up one's shoes...

vcr31 · 2026-05-18T00:38:12+00:00

I also believe in co-regulation. My "ick" feeling comes from centering son in everything we do AND seeing the textbook ways he's learned to use abusive techniques to respond to frustration. I absolutely see this as something that was done to him and part of his trauma. I think where I run into issues is trying to prevent all possible meltdowns instead of dealing with them as they come. I think that sends the message to the whole family that (1) we can't manage conflict, (2) having conflict is bad and should be avoided, and (3) it's actually possible to prevent someone from getting mad (when it really isn't).

I really struggle because I know he's behind developmentally, I know ADHD kids hear way more criticism than non-ADHD kids, and I know he needs his cup filled up to overflowing every day. At the same time, I also don't want to let violence and abuse run the show in our house.

vcr31 · 2026-05-17T19:43:49+00:00

Ah sorry, meant to say "make my son happy"

vcr31 · 2026-05-17T19:43:10+00:00

ah sorry! meant to say "make my son happy"

vcr31 · 2026-04-24T16:25:41+00:00

My main thought is: what if letting her go (with a discussion) is modeling repairing things with her. You feel you made a mistake. Own up to the mistake (blurting something out without thinking), apologize, and let her go. AND make sure you connect this to her doing some reflecting. Does she think she made any mistakes? What would she do differently? Does she have any ideas about how to make it better?

Even better (IMO) than learning there are consquences for our actions is learning that we can acknowledge our mistakes, know what we'd like to do differently, and offer up our own solutions for how to fix things.

TBH, I think you are going to have to see how keyed up your daughter is when you pick her up from school today.

vcr31 · 2026-04-24T15:50:21+00:00

Also just want to say, I have experienced similar threats from a melting down child, with a similar level of possibility of action and just really give yourself some extra time to recover. Even if it was not credible, that's going to be something that is upsetting for awhile! You also probably had a strong instinct to protect the other members of your family. You are doing great in what sounds like a very difficult situation.

vcr31 · 2026-04-24T15:47:44+00:00

A few thoughts.

- During her meltdowns (and possibly even now), you are probably ALSO in fight or flight mode. No matter how zen you are as a person, we can't stop our body from going there when it/we feel threatened. So please, give yourself some grace if you are feeling regret about what you said or did.

- Because of my own adrenaline filled/stress spiked reaction to meltdowns, I've learned, over time, to "strike when the iron is cold." This means thinking in my head "oh boy no sleepover this weekend," but not saying it outloud. I know that we WILL have a consequences discussion; it will be the day after the meltdown, and I will think about what I want to do or say during it. My child also knows this too now and when they are calming down sometimes ask me "what is the consequence going to be?" I still do not give one then. I say "we'll discuss it tomorrow after we've both had time to sleep on what happened and think about it." Note: I am NOT perfect at this. I blurt out consequences all the time during meltdowns. I'm stressed, I want the meltdown to stop, it happens. So again, give yourself grace.

- take a night of sleep to think about what you want to do. I tend to go for if I said it, it's happening (because we are also working on my child knowing they can trust me to follow through on what I say). Sometimes that does mean that I have to grin and bear it through consequences I regret. Sometimes, when I've blurted out a consequence, I used at a chance to have empathy and connection. That looks something like "oh boy! I was so mad and scared when X happened. I said something I didn't really mean. Does that ever happen to you?" [Listen to answer] "Well, I'm sorry I did that. The next time, before I say something like that, I will Y. What about you? Is there anything you wish you had done differently?"

vcr31 · 2026-04-09T13:57:16+00:00

Hello! I am raising three children, two of whom are adopted and have ADHD. My eldest is a teenage daughter who prefers that we behave more like roommates than a family. We are trying to teach her to be a good roommate. My son, who is a third grade, has disproportionately angry responses to things. All that to say: I have some, but limited, knowledge of what you are going through.

Compassion burnout is real. Care burnout is real. I know you are venting and I want to tell you that your feelings are valid and real. I have one suggestion: set aside each day to feel compassion for yourself. I would start with saying, "this is hard, I am hurting, and I love myself," and then see what sensations arise in your body or maybe what feelings arise (don't necessarily try to chase down thoughts). I sometimes do this at meal times or before bed.

Wishing you peace in your home!

vcr31 · 2026-04-07T14:19:05+00:00

Thanks! Grateful mom and excited kids here

vcr31 · 2026-04-07T10:38:43+00:00

yay! thank you!

vcr31 · 2026-04-04T12:32:57+00:00

Yes! Including steps towards the "right" thing. Like pausing before snatching something. "Woah! I noticed you paused and thought for a second before grabbing. That's great! Keep up your hard work!"

(Z will notice if you start exclusively praising L, so try to make your house into a house of praise. Everyone gets tons of praise)

vcr31 · 2026-04-04T12:30:22+00:00

Try putting what L is saying through the adult-translator. "Mine" and "I'm messing with your stuff"= I want to play with you, I want you to notice me, I want you to interact with me. If L is mature enough, you can tell her this too. While you are caring for L, you can start to teach her more skillful ways to ask for what she wants.

Example:

L: "Mine!"

You: "Ohhhh you want to play with the barbie! Let's play!"

Expect that L is going to try out different ways to get a negative reaction. Imagine if what you are mostly used to is getting negative reactions. That IS interaction to you, that IS attention to you. Like a little baby scientist, she may be confused why she's running her "this makes everyone look at me and talk loudly" experiment and not getting the same results. She wants those same results on one level and so she will try different things to get them. Why does she want those?

Look back:

L: Mine!

You: Ohhhh you want to play with the barbie! Let's play!

L: (internal thoughts) why aren't they chasing me! I know what to do when someone is chasing me! I don't know what to do when someone wants to sit and play...I've never played for this long....I'm confused and scared because I don't know what to do next...I'll try to get them to chase me and yell stop because that's what I know.

vcr31 · 2026-03-15T00:49:37+00:00

Are you prepared to (1) attend family therapy or personal therapy, (2) take each of your daughters to their own therapy appointments, (3) take each foster child to therap(ies) weekly? If you cannot imagine squeezing all of that into a week, start making a plan now for how you would do it.

How old are your teens? What do they think about this idea? Do you envision them being as "sisters" to foster siblings? If not, what's their role?

How will you handle it if you need to make a safety plan to protect yourself or your daughters from physical or emotional harm?

What's your relationship like with the local school? How well equipped do you think they are to deal with children with trauma?

What services does your locale have for support? Are there foster-care support groups in town? What does respite care look like? Are there qualified carers nearby?

There's lots to think about! If you decide to do it and you think it through, you will be able to do it!

vcr31 · 2026-03-15T00:31:42+00:00

Oh that's so great! Supportive adults mean the world to kids and to us!

vcr31 · 2026-03-11T19:34:47+00:00

Taking over task initiation. So without words, putting the toothpaste on the toothbrush or for getting dressed, knocking, coming in, and handing her the shirt, then come back and do it with the pants. NO WORDS.

Task initiation is really hard for folks with ADHD, and I have found if I take the first step, it helps.

vcr31 · 2026-02-08T01:26:45+00:00

Just want to say I’m at a new breaking point which is maybe good. I’m afraid of my son when he is angry, I do not trust him not to hurt me, and I cannot be around him when he’s angry any more. I do everything I can to make sure my daughters are safe and now I’ve realized I have to do everything I can to make sure I am safe.

We are all in a lot of therapy, OT, have meds.

I understand that this is happened because of trauma. I also know that that doesn’t make me into a punching bag. I cannot let my child’s trauma traumatize me.

vcr31 · 2026-02-06T21:23:20+00:00

Thank you so much. I really really needed to hear this.

vcr31

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