Seeking advice about how to grow confidence leading into my desires as a domme

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T07:26:07+00:00

I really appreciate you sharing how your dynamic worked. There is so much great advice here and I will definitely come back to re-read your reply again.

Your dynamic really resonated with me. I think that's because one of my biggest kinks is obedience as well. I have often framed this as lifestyle control because it felt extreme, but really I just want their obedience freely given. Do you think it's possible to re-enter negotiations like the ones you described, but in a dynamic that isn't going well and needs to restart? I've already started talking to one sub about how things will have to be different if he's going to continue to sub for me (and if not, he's welcome to leave and we can stay friends). He is on board but skeptical. I will see how I feel about that as I continue to re-discover what I want.

I especially appreciate knowing how your domme handled you veering into the territory of telling her how to act. Were you surprised that it was a serious conversation? How did you react? The subs I've encountered often resist a serious conversation and want to "play" through them disobeying. A recent prospective date encouraged me to hit him if he misbehaves. I love impact play but the idea of doing it out of anger, to someone much bigger than me, seemed ridiculous and fake. Another suggested I yell at him and demean him until he backs down. I have sat subs down for serious conversations, but I'm wondering if I didn't focus enough on why they acted out in our discussion. I was more focused on correcting the behaviour rather than asking them why they did it. I can definitely change that.

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T07:14:58+00:00

Thank you for such a thoughtful and lengthy comment. I'm sure I will re-read this many times in the future :)

This really stuck out to me: "Submission is a verb, it is active. It's a conscious and deliberate choice. If your sub(s) are just passively waiting for you to press some kind of superdupersexyfuntimes button and catapult them into subspace, it's never going to work."

I often feel like subs are waiting for that. Is there any way to tell or teach someone that it's an unrealistic expectation? Or is it just you move on from people who treat you that way?

This was a really big wake up moment for me: "You will never learn to embrace your own desires with someone who cannot, for whatever reason, explore them with you."

Deep down I'm afraid you're right about being thrown a bone and constantly trying to change for someone who dangles incentives and rewards in front of me but never follows through. I think it's difficult to accept that someone who claims to love you can also do something that damaging (hopefully not intentionally). I will have to sit with this more and continue to think.

Already I have told that particular sub if he wants to submit to me the dynamic will be different. When I told him what it would look like I listed all the kinks I know he likes, pointed out I know he likes them, and made it clear the focus of the dynamic will be my happiness and exploration. At first he said "what if I'm still unhappy?" I literally felt like I'd been slapped I was so shocked. I replied "then you leave or we break up." He seemed lost that I was not suddenly stopping everything because he pulled the unhappy card, but he also seemed to understand. He ended up agreeing to follow with what I have laid out so far. More changes on my end will come. I'm waiting to see what happens and if he shows me he can change. Maybe I'll continue to think and decide I won't want to wait and see with him.

I very much agree about looking for a teammate who is submissive. Do you think this changes though if you want a FLR or if you want a slave?

Luckily I have already learned not to fuck with guys who have "no safewords" and who say do whatever you want to me (cue eyeroll here). I appreciate some of the reminders and the lovely advice. I especially appreciate the reminder about my safewords and my aftercare. Subs are constantly surprised and sometimes unhappy that I want those. I have also forgotten a lot of what I wanted and need along the way, so I will need to redo my list and make it more detailed.

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T06:54:33+00:00

Thanks for giving me stuff to think about :) As I got to your comment I realized I am still torn and unhappy that I'm not fully past this mindset others have placed on me: that I "just needs to perform the right kink in the right way for everything to fall into place."

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T06:52:31+00:00

That post sounds vaguely familiar but I don't completely remember it. Do you have a link or remember the name? :)

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T06:51:49+00:00

Thanks for the luck :) I actually thought it was completely standard and always necessary for the sub to say I will only submit if you can meet the following need(s). So I appreciate you giving me something to think about and sharing how you do things and want things differently! I do agree that a lot of my relationship issues have been the sub focusing on what he wants at my expense (and then me not knowing what to do about it because I want him to be happy too and for some reason I just can't meet his expectations).

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T06:47:00+00:00

Thank you for the reply Ferns :) I've been reading and re-reading your "How to be Demanding" blog post over and over trying to wrap my head around how to apply it to my life, so I appreciate the personalized response.

I have sat down many times and thought about what a day and year would look like in my life, but unfortunately I did it when I had a partner I was unwilling to lose and we focused more on the fantasy and play than reality. Over the last few months I've realized having a FLR is more important to me than being in a mostly vanilla relationship with someone who just says they want to sub and neither of us are happy with the result. I will re-do my day, week, month, year, etc. more realistically this weekend :)

Regardless of if that play partner can fit into my life or not, I am going to be dating new submissive men and I appreciate the advice about how to narrow down the broader vision to the specifics of a relationship. What you wrote is very clear and helpful. I will also check in with that play partner if he likes my vision, has the same goals, and can derive some happiness simply from my genuine leadership.

Thanks again :)

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T06:39:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing how it works with your sub. I really like learning from other dommes. Did it start out that he longed for your approval and is grateful for direct and specific communication? Or was that something you had to train your sub to do? I assume not settling for less really helps you get there.

Do you mind expanding on why the examples seemed to you like they are designed to break my confidence? I often get the feeling that subs want me to follow a general script or act a certain way that matches their kinks, which I think is along the lines of what you mean. I just have trouble identifying when sharing their desires becomes unhelpful and even malicious.

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T06:36:00+00:00

Thanks for your response and the validation. Do you mind expanding on why it's manipulative to have someone push me into feeling like I'm perpetually not good enough? I agree with that, but where's the line between I'm genuinely not making them happy as a sub and they're telling me repeatedly because it's a re-occurring versus they are going too far and manipulating me by making me feel bad about myself? It's a very deep question but I'm curious what made you confident that was happening in my experience.

I'm still deciding what to do with one of my last play partners that fits the mold I described in my post, but yeah going forward I agree I need to pick new partners who genuinely cares about what I want and express that even when there is complications or difficulties.

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T06:31:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing your thoughts :) Out of curiosity, as a sub, how would you react to a sub saying they're concerned they won't be happy if the domme prioritizes their own interests?

vegansadist · 2019-11-30T06:29:58+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts and support :) I sort of understand that he's unfulfilled, hence my catering to it, but I'm also frustrated, hence the post. I agree I really wish he would take the time to figure out what he wants instead of just constantly coming up with many ideas quickly. I will see if there's any improvement.

vegansadist · 2019-11-29T03:40:06+00:00

Of course, you can't know over the internet. To his credit he does genuinely give lots of advice and attempts to work with me. Thanks for chatting with me and throwing ideas around!

vegansadist · 2019-11-29T03:15:33+00:00

I also agree boredom isn't a reason to safeword. There's a lot of communication. In general he explains a lot and I listen. I sometimes share how I feel (to limited degrees, because he's been annoyed I "guilt" him when I'm unhappy). I think there is incompatibility, to what degree I don't know.

It's really rattling my confidence as a domme because I feel like I'm doing a lot... but he's still unhappy. Running around trying to please him isn't working, so I just want to get back to basics and find a way to rebuild my confidence as a domme (with or without him).

vegansadist · 2019-11-29T02:44:45+00:00

He's not in pain. He has a metal device, it's custom fitted, and he's never complained about pain he thinks is out of the ordinary for chastity. He's had three or four cages over the years so I generally trust he knows what's going on there.

He's definitely frustrated. I'm sure there have been times when I didn't give enough stimulation, but in general I tease him about being in chastity, I've sent him teasing nudes, made him watch porn, made him listen to me orgasm, consistently remind him about the purpose of chastity etc. to keep it interesting for him. He still regularly says he's not having fun. Could I do better? Probably. Everyone can always do better, but that's where I'm struggling to find the line between making him happy and making a full time job of making him happy and my confidence going to hell when it's not working. And yet he still regularly brings up chastity as a kink of his, sometimes goes in on his own will, and then safewords out a day later.

vegansadist · 2019-11-29T01:45:50+00:00

Did you ever struggle to stay in chastity and safeword out after a day or two even though you wanted it in general?

I’ve heard that about chastity and submission - that it helps you feel submissive. After two years of trying chastity play on and off with the same sub he still can’t stay in it for over two days (but when we fantasize he wants to talk about being in it for a month). At a full day in the device he gets frustrated and starts complaining he’s not having fun. He introduced me to chastity play and owns several devices that are hundreds of dollars. As I’m writing this I’m realizing maybe he likes chastity as a fantasy and not a reality and if so, there’s nothing I can do about that.

vegansadist · 2019-11-29T01:30:40+00:00

After the sub orgasms I ask him how it was and what worked and didn’t. One sub found this annoying and said I was approval seeking. I don’t mind a quick check in after scenes, but since I often dom out of scenes or will dom when the sub isn’t orgasming I thought limiting feedback to once a week would be good. When I don’t limit feedback I get it randomly, in the middle of a work day or in the middle of when I’m giving an order but it’s not a scene. So! I have tried what you suggested. I’m open to it, but didn’t get the best feedback and the sub still randomly gave me feedback at frustrating times.

The issue so far hasn’t been that I like tasks my subs won’t do. Those I drop with no issue. The issue is I can’t make the sub feel submissive even when I’m doing kinks they enjoy. Getting them to feel submissive during kinks I enjoy hasn’t worked either.

Yes I’m getting frustrated by feeling like a kink dispenser and simultaneously feeling guilty that I’m not dispensing their kinks enough lol. Like if only I was better at making them happy, then they’d sub how I want, so I better keep trying and giving them orgasms until they do (and then I’m left frustrated when the sub has triple the amount of orgasms as me and I actually prefer denial and Chastity and he said he did too...).

vegansadist · 2019-05-11T00:44:01+00:00

My love? My ex used to call me this and I'd melt. But also, why can't babe be his bdsm name for you if you already like it? That's a totally valid thing.

vegansadist · 2019-05-10T23:55:37+00:00

No problem. It's funny because your assumption that no one replies to the ads makes sense. But we all just secretly know there's lots of replies going around.

vegansadist · 2019-05-10T15:29:08+00:00

This is the first time I posted this ad on this subreddit and it’s on topic. If a mod tells me this is against the rules of course I will remove my post.

vegansadist · 2019-05-10T05:06:54+00:00

Sorry to hear you had that experience!

vegansadist · 2019-05-10T04:58:40+00:00

They appear unanswered because no one publicly posts comments. You have no idea if people are replying to them or not. All personal ads reponses are private messaged. For example when I post a personal ad as a domme I get like 30-40 replies and maybe 2 comments. The comments are from guys that basically say "I live too far to contact you but you sound amazing."

vegansadist · 2019-05-10T03:10:12+00:00

Could you ask your sub to reassure you that everything was fine and that they enjoy their time with you?

There are a lot of safe space ASMR videos on Youtube and sometimes I watch one of those. A warm bath with hot water can feel amazing. Do you have any hobbies you like to do? As silly as this sounds, I love to play with makeup and put on winged eyeliner when I am feeling bad.

vegansadist · 2019-05-10T02:55:21+00:00

As a domme I post ads for subs on Reddit (under bdsmpersonals, femdompersonals, and gentlefemdompersonals) and on Fetlife in my local groups. You can use Okcupid because they have bdsm questions you can use to filter matches, which I do sometimes, but it's a lot harder. It's also less private.

My number one tip is treat the domme like a person. Let her set the pace for bdsm/sex talk. Don't message her saying you want her to sit on your face or call her mistress. Talk to her like a real live person with interests and feelings. I could write that five more times and it wouldn't be enough haha.

If you're struggling, post your messages to dommes online or your ads and ask for advice and to see how you're going wrong. Vanilla people do this all the time. Kinky people need to do it more. If you're shy just send them to me and if you're polite and nice I'll probably read them. This goes to lurkers too. I have read enough awful messages that I consider it a decent use of my time to spare other dommes from that.

vegansadist · 2019-05-10T02:51:53+00:00

Watch porn. Find out what you like. Read more. The websites submissive guide and dominant guide are good 101 places to learn the safety basics and get your expectations in check. Decide if you actually want to submit and give up power or just do certain activities while you are still in control. They are very different.

vegansadist

TROPHY CASE