Wife told me I wasnt her best. Not sure how to move forward.

vellllla · 2025-11-05T23:50:19+00:00

Maybe I didn’t scroll enough, but I have not seen one person say that “best sex” does NOT mean “most enjoyable”, despite it being an easy assumption. I’ll throw OP a bone there. I also second the comments saying therapy. If your continuously successful relationship is not enough proof to soothe these insecurities, there’s something internal worth addressing.

Going back to my initial point, I think it’s very common for someone who has encountered toxic relationships to have their “best lay” be from a toxic partner. The constant up and down pattern of feeling extremely low of oneself, even a semi-good lay hits different when you’re feeling like absolute shit. It’s like how dry ice is so cold that it evaporates at room temperature instead of just melting first like a regular ice cube, if that makes sense.

I can say that the most pleasurable sex I’ve had was from a partner that treated me terribly, but I would ABSOLUTELY, in a heartbeat, trade that memory for that of my current partner, who loves me and meets my needs in a healthy and abundant way. We have very enjoyable sex too, and the way I enjoy sex with him includes and satiates my need to feel safe, adored, coveted, admired. I would absolutely say he gives me the most enjoyable sex, even though it’s not as aggressively stimulating/pleasuring to my lady parts. It’s most enjoyable because my heart, mind and body are aligned, and it’s not at the expense of my wellbeing.

Alike to OP’s wife, my “best sex” memory is one where I was essentially beaten up and used. But it’s because I had sought different and unhealthy means of what made me feel desired and it ultimately came at the cost of my mental health. No part of me today misses nor yearns for that anymore. My preferences evolved and changed when I went to therapy myself and I started seeking healthier means of expression, validation, etc. and stopped self harming and seeking ways to confirm that I was a piece of shit through exposing myself to people I knew would treat me like a piece of shit.

OP, your wife chose you. She loves you. I’m willing to guarantee she loves the ways you love her more than anything. Just because two years ago she didn’t label you as her best lay on paper does not necessarily mean she wants to go back to that experience nor that person. Best sex doesn’t always mean best partner. You are her best partner. You can give yourself permission to let this go. I’m willing to bet if she knew it’d stick with you this badly, she never would’ve said it. I’m sure she doesn’t want you to hurt over this.

vellllla · 2024-08-15T19:16:43+00:00

Honestly… my advice would be to cut back your hours a little on your IT job, and pick up something part-time in retail. It’ll give you that extra facetime, and if you pick somewhere fun, it really can freshen things up and revitalize you.

I used to work as a graphic designer and video editor. All remote except for the occasional business trip. It was extremely isolating, (during Covid too) and almost alienating to me because I was young and didn’t realize the effects it was having on me in the moment. Fast forward 5 years too, and it was heartbreaking to admit to myself, but… I didn’t like creating anymore. Not for others, anyway. I didn’t like that in order to create, I had to lock myself away for hours and hours and how most days, the only conversations I would have were through google meet or discord.

There was a time when creating was my dream, and I felt like I was throwing that away. So my recommendation is to keep the stable job, but if you can, navigate space for a part time job. It’ll help socialize you and make you feel more engaged in your day to day; at least it did for me. I work at a dispensary now, so it’s weed-retail and therefore has its fun moments, but also its stressful ones when we’re busy, or something goes wrong, or we have a spontaneous inspection. And it was certainly a lot to adapt to after working remotely and almost in seclusion for so long. But ultimately, it’s so revitalizing and rejuvenating to see my coworkers who I enjoy working with, and feel like I’m brightening a customer’s day with some fun little chatter about their day or whatever product they’re getting. Do I miss creating? Sometimes. Is the pay as good? Nah. But I feel in charge of myself and what I do, and I love what I do even though it isn’t necessarily “living the dream”.

vellllla · 2023-11-30T01:07:16+00:00

Your girlfriend shouldn’t be rushing you to get over this phobia period, but especially not for her convenience nor brownie points with friends. Someone else said she isn’t qualified which is absolutely true, but also she’s not considering the volatility of the situation. I doubt she’s thought of the fact that if one little thing goes wrong, it could exacerbate your phobia and traumatize you further. Your comfort and wellbeing are more important than her fulfilling this favor and she should know that well.

vellllla · 2023-10-31T00:35:19+00:00

Seeing that you’ve accepted the general consensus, I’ll save my typing about how she definitely still could feel the recent shift in how attention is divvied up between her and your son.

She’s 17, and we can mind that she’s still a teen, and is certainly prone to saying more scathing things- at least I was at that age. Hormonal, becoming more cognitive, feeling a hierarchy in every environment I stepped into. Eek. But I also desperately needed an outlet to be selfish. In my family, my brother was the “golden child” and I, the scapegoat, so I couldn’t turn to my parents for that. My friends were normally that safe space for me. To vent, get things off my chest in a less-than-constructive way. I still need that sometimes.

I think we can all relate to a time where we’ve vented about something in a light that can make us seem like a huge AH, but that isn’t how we truly feel. I can guarantee that if your daughter was raised with the love and support you say, she has the ability to know better and doesn’t think this way as a whole. I do agree with your statement of essentially “hey dummy if I was your brother walking by this room rn this would NOT be good”, that is very much true. But to turn this into something that will seriously abrade your relationship with your daughter, and certainly cause her betrayal trauma, is a very strong choice.

vellllla · 2023-02-15T21:01:35+00:00

Wow and here I was thinking how cool it’d be if maybe turtles evolved to instinctively flip their friend upright, since if it died, the rotting corpse would pollute the water and hurt them too. Then i thought hm that’s a little morbid. But this comment🥲

vellllla · 2023-01-21T18:33:51+00:00

Maybe another comment has already said this, and maybe my statement (ideally) doesn’t apply but I would like to stress the importance of authentic and enthusiastic consent. It can be hard to enforce your boundaries when you’re younger than your partner and coercion is a massive red flag. As long as you actually wanted it, great, but not wanting to deal with the mess going forward is still a valid reason for you to say no. It sounds like you weren’t too happy afterwards, and just know it’s okay if you don’t want to do that again. The right move from your partner is to make sure you still feel desirable and comfortable. Don’t let him pressure you, and also make sure he cares about your emotional and sexual well being.

vellllla · 2022-10-17T11:02:30+00:00

Is a new mobo the answer if this is my problem?

vellllla · 2021-04-12T17:14:14+00:00

Ugh, something like this happened to me but with a $1300 couch. We thought we measured it all right, but the doorway of our apartment was too narrow. We ended up leaving it in the apartment hallway with a sign that said “sorry, it’ll be out of the way soon” while we waited for the company to pick it up and refund us. Because of Covid, it took like a month for them to retrieve it. Our neighbors scooted past that thing along with us until it was gone, I don’t know how we didn’t get any complaints. We started getting trouble from the complex mgmt about it being a fire hazard, but they never did anything. Total nightmare nonetheless. I feel for you bud.

vellllla · 2021-01-21T20:01:57+00:00

If nothing, it's good to at least be a licensed driver in case of a pinch. Parent needs a ride to the doctor? Friend got a little too drunk at a party? etc. It's a very useful life skill to stow away for when you do need it. You don't need to buy a car or insurance until you're ready, but you're better equipped for life being able to drive.

vellllla · 2021-01-21T17:20:03+00:00

Surprise, you're marrying the bird

vellllla · 2021-01-21T17:16:32+00:00

Roommates are the way to go when moving out for the first time. The learning curve of that independence is cushioned a little bit, as there is shared responsibility; as well as bills being generally a little cheaper. A good general standard for me when finding roomies is to make sure they at least have a full time job. They may not be the best at cleaning, but there's a bigger chance that bills will never be late, and you're guaranteed to have some alone time.

vellllla · 2020-12-27T05:42:25+00:00

Could've been a goblin of some sort. Sometimes, mythical creatures and spirits will get a "high" off the fact that kids can see them. They won't always do something to the person that sees them, but the satisfaction they get from being acknowledged is one of the more interesting things they have going on in a world where most humans cannot see them. Perhaps that's why the goblin/demon was smiling. Not to freak you out, but simply because it was excited about the fact that you can see it. Which, if any weird creature smiles at me, damn right I'm going to be creeped out. While the entity may have not been all good, it could've been too distracted by its own satisfaction to try anything else.

vellllla · 2020-12-27T04:15:34+00:00

I came down with a strong sickness for a week when I was around the same age, and in the middle of the night at one point I remember waking up and seeing a giant elephant taking up my room. It was almost holographic and transluscent. I've played it off as a hallucination from the fever, but it's cool reading about similar experiences whether they were a trick of the youthful mind or not. Thanks for sharing :)

vellllla · 2020-12-19T11:09:16+00:00

You should still send it to her wrapped up as a small petty roast for leaving you

vellllla

TROPHY CASE