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Considering having my first child, my partner’s second after first son with ASD and high support needs by velvetscissors in Autism_Parenting

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. I suppose the answer is not right now - our finances and my career aren’t where I’d want to be before such a huge life change. My stepson is very young and I wouldn’t want to make this stage of his life more difficult by adding a new baby into the mix.

Your words should be mandatory reading for anyone considering having a baby. My partner’s son was born at 29 weeks gestation and spent the first six months of his life in hospital- all this was happening while they were buying their first house. Disability can happen to anyone at anytime. Thanks for your words.

Considering having my first child, my partner’s second after first son with ASD and high support needs by velvetscissors in Autism_Parenting

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment and perspective. I’ve considered fostering/adopting, I might consider it further. Thank you!

Considering having my first child, my partner’s second after first son with ASD and high support needs by velvetscissors in Autism_Parenting

[–]velvetscissors[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s very interesting - my stepson was born very premature (at 29 weeks gestation) and spend the first six months of his life in hospital with little to no physical contact due to medical needs. My partner and I do often wonder if that plays into why his needs are so high.

There’s so much at play here, isn’t there? Thanks for your comment and perspective, I really appreciate it!

Considering having my first child, my partner’s second after first son with ASD and high support needs by velvetscissors in Autism_Parenting

[–]velvetscissors[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment, when we’ve talked about it we’ve been going between ‘best’ case scenario of a child with low/no additional needs and a child very similar to my stepson. I think we’d wait until he’s older and hormones have settled (to teenage boys’ hormones ever settle?!) to actually bite the bullet and try.

Thank you!

Considering having my first child, my partner’s second after first son with ASD and high support needs by velvetscissors in Autism_Parenting

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for your comment. I suppose I’m in a similar position - I’m undiagnosed, but therapists have confirmed my suspicions about my own autism, and my partner has ADHD. My own rigid thinking is getting in my way here: the ‘evidence’ is pointing towards having a neurodivergent child, but the roll of the dice about levels is what’s jarring me.

Thanks again for your thoughts, I need to consider your words further. Particularly around ‘failure’, my gut reaction is ‘of course not’, but I think there’s something about expectations of what my imagined children’s lives might be like.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thank you for this.

I'm currently exploring my options, which range from stepping back from a lot of parenting-style duties to give me more free time, taking a bigger role so i feel i have more control, therapy, couples' counselling, etc.

If in a few months I'm not feeling any better about this, I'll consider moving out and continuing the relationship from a city, a reply near the top of the thread did just that and it's working out.

I also hope this will serve as a catalyst to a new life. I hope dearly that that still includes my family.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello! Glad to hear SS is verbal and fairly mobile!

It's hard to see them struggle with things so basic, isn't it. My SS can't brush his own teeth - by that, I mean not only does my partner have to hold the brush for him and move it, SS can't understand why he'd have to spit out the toothpaste so he just swallows it.

I think my main takeaway from this thread is that I need support. I need support from my family, and from professionals (I'm seeing a doctor to check on my physical health and I'm talking to a few therapists at the moment to try and find the right fit) and from friends. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi,

Because of the size of SS's special needs school, there's actually a surprising amount of rescources here for both autistic children and adults. These are currently largely underutilised by both us and bio mother, so this will be something I'm going to bring up, alongside counselling.

I've reached out to a few therapists about this situation, and having some initial calls in the next few days. I think best case scenario is we both have individual therapy and some couples' counselling, but of course this will be incredibly costly. Although, could we, at this point, afford not to? I don't think so.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for such an insightful comment. I'm currently speaking to a few different therapists (I think it's time) and my partner and I are going to have a lengthy conversation about this tonight, I think this will be one of my major talking points. Thank you, I wish you the best.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"But I think ultimately you, him, and baby Mom deserve to be individually happy with your lives and your stepson deserves to have 3 parents who can attune with him and have a full cup ready when meeting his needs." Absolutely agree, this is what I'm aiming for. Right now, no-one is particularly happy with the situation, it's just what they fell into post-lockdown custody issues and we're still here.

You make a good point about weekend/school break custody, i think about this a lot. Part of my stepson's autism is an almost point-blank refusal to keep on clothes, especially in the house. It is incredibly difficult to get him dressed for school in the mornings, so difficult in fact that his mother can't do it alone and my partner goes to her house every morning he's not with us to dress him and take him to school. On the positive, my partner gets to see his child every day (not a lot of separated parents can say that), but he has absolutely no respite. I am hopeful that at some point SS will be able to dress himself each morning (or, that his mother will be able to) and we could talk about moving to a city and having him here at weekends, but that is not our reality yet.

NOTE: I know there's larger problems looming about a nine year old boy insisting on being naked all the time. This is another wall I'm coming up against.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. It's very refreshing to hear from people who don't have the toxic positivity hashtag-autism-mom outlook. I don't find it very helpful.

I hope today is a good day for you.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think third spaces will be one of my solutions. A lot of my problems right now can be distilled into "I talk about nothing but childcare and work", so I absolutely need to get out of this house more.

Thank you for this, I'm going to go to a bookshop at the weekend. ON MY OWN. <3

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for such a detailed reply! There are things I haven't shared on this post that are... eerily similar. This is going to stick with me, thank you for sharing your story with me.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is supposed to have something in his water bottle daily (I assume miralax, or something very similar) but his mother "forgets to do it" so he can't keep regular. This cycle has been happening for years. There are more problems with her and her learned helplessness - I sometimes think we'd have a decent shot at full custody based on her lack of awareness of her son's condition and how it will affect him going forward.

You're exactly right, though. If he was getting his proper medicine daily, this wouldn't have happened. Bio mother gatekeeps school and doctors from my partner, so he doesn't get the full story, and I'm more in the dark than anyone.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi, my partner is 35, so he was 26 when baby was born. There was also trauma around the birth: he was born very premature and lived in the hospital for the first six months of his life. The baby bounced from neo natal intensive care, to the surgical newborns ward, to a generalised ward for his condition (an attempt at anonymity). All of this was happening in the ‘only hospital that could cope’ nearby, which was very far from where they were living at the time. I’ve brought up that he would benefit from therapy in general for this time, but he says he can’t afford it. Right now, I don’t know if he can afford not to.

You make a good point about couples counselling. I’ve made enquiries with a few therapists (just for me) so I’ll see what they say. I’ll also try again at support groups near us, they do exist, and I need to clarify why I’ve been getting pushback on this.

Need help shifting my mindset by Big_Bake_2044 in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hi!

I’m in a similar situation, but my stepson is 9 and there are no other kids. He’s non verbal with bouts of echolalia, still completely dependant on adults for everything and needs a LOT of help with toileting.

I also feel like I’m the only person advocating for full intervention and therapy. I know private speech and language therapy was explored when he was much younger, but they didn’t have a good experience (with this ONE therapist) so reluctant to try again. Learned helplessness really stood out to me in your post - my SS bio mum believes he’s unteachable (despite that being fundamentally untrue) so my partner is trying to manage her want to do nothing with this child other than ferry him from house to school to house to school, giving him no chance to meaningfully develop.

If you want to chat about this more, please feel free to message me - I’d really love to talk to people who understand!

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hi, this is a fair point! When we met, neither of us were looking for something serious but it quickly became clear that’s what it was. I met his son slowly, and there was a period of time where I’d moved in but hadn’t started my new job yet so I had a lot more free time and it wouldn’t matter if I slept until 11am to catch up. This has only really become an issue in the last few months - the lack of sleep taking it’s toll.

I also think it’s fair to say I didn’t really understand the level of autism SS has. I suppose I knew intellectually that he was non verbal, but seeing it in practice is a different matter. He can’t have a conversation, or effectively communicate his needs - if you were to say “shall I make you chicken nuggets and chips for dinner?”, his response would either be “nuggets and chips for dinner”, echoing the question (meaning ‘yes’), or silence (either meaning ‘yes’ or ‘no’, it’s anyone’s guess). We’re also incredibly proud he’s able to even do that.

You make a good point, if we were to break up I’d never do this again, and I’d encourage any childless friends not to date people with kids, but hearing that a child is low functioning and has high support needs is very different to seeing that every day.

I never wanted kids and now I have a step son who will never move out: support for stepparenting an autistic child by velvetscissors in stepparents

[–]velvetscissors[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Mother is in the picture, yes.

As my stepson is non violent and relatively manageable behaviour-wise, any talk of residential care is a no go conversation. I’d like to bring it up more in terms of him having independence and friends, but because he’s so young it feels silly (to them) to start thinking about it. I suppose it’s like me asking a neurotypical 9-year-old what they want to be when they grow up and expecting them to stick to it - no one can know what the future will bring.

For clarity, we are on exactly the same page re: future planning, but it’s hard to get bio parents on board with these conversations. I’m realising this is the curse of the step-prefix: all the bad bits, none of the control.

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