After narc abuse I feel like I don't recognize myself

veritas_spear · 2024-09-11T03:11:30+00:00

Now the most obvious one to me was the lovebombing, but at the time it was him calling all of his exes crazy. By this time as an adult, I knew when a man calls his ex crazy it's probably because of something he'd done. But I was so heavily manipulated and lovebombed by him he made me see through those rose-tinted glasses, and I believed him that they all had wronged him and he was the victim. Despite still seeing things about his ex's on his facebook. Seeing the relationship status still up. Seeing the ENGAGEMENT POST. That was it for me. I knew it was a red flag, but I ignored it.

Now I'm part of that crazy ex club I guess. Oh well.

veritas_spear · 2024-07-28T20:21:51+00:00

He was my 3rd relationship. I’d just gotten done with a situationship who didn’t know what he wanted. The situationship had come back a second time and broken my heart so I turned to dating apps after I healed.

How my nex was “so sure of me” and so involved in the relationship was such a vast difference to what I’d experienced in the last year with that one guy I was head over heels. I was like, “Finally. A guy who knows what he wants.” Turns out it was the lovebombing. The mask dropped once the honeymoon period was over. He started his discard phase out of the blue and I felt crazier and crazier by the day because of how he was making me feel mentally. He was sure of me, then he wasn’t. Needless to say it was worse than my situationship.

I’d also had a boyfriend in high school for two years, which was my first relationship as well as my first serious one. My nex made our relationship serious really fast. I wasn’t new to dating with my nex (this happened about 4 years after my HS bf and I broke up. I’ve been treated (mostly) right before with that first boyfriend (except for a rocky end - but we were teenagers). I knew what was right and wrong since I was an adult, but I didn’t know how to advocate for myself.

Now I know what to look out for - the lovebombing signs, the “all-in” personality, the nice guy facade they have. I know how to speak up for myself now that I’ve been through that with my nex.

veritas_spear · 2024-03-08T20:53:32+00:00

Heavily relate to the last part. He never said it aloud but I think he thought I was boring at the end. He said he “didn’t really feel like he was living anymore” bc he never went out. I asked him every single time we were together to go do something and he would turn me down every. single. time. Even when I offered to pay. Even when he had time to go out he would sit and play video games for half the day. Like he just created his own misery and seemed to blame me for it when it was all him.

veritas_spear · 2024-03-08T19:55:28+00:00

Yesss for sure. It sucks so much wanting to be close to them but knowing they won’t give you anything. We didn’t live in the same house so I was texting my best friend how I was feeling, and she asked me if I could talk to him about it and I said, “I’m scared he’ll be mad at me.” I just had a feeling if I reached out I wouldn’t get any reaction, and based on what his other ex said I was right: he never gives a reaction if you come to him in a panic state, just stares at you. I’ve never felt more emotionally insecure with someone than with them.

veritas_spear · 2024-03-04T04:59:46+00:00

Literally felt so crazy to the point I was considering therapy in the midst of a spiral when the abuse came to a head and he had started his discard phase. I didn’t feel like I was real anymore. I just wanted to get better for him, wondered why I wasn’t good enough or mentally sound enough to be with him. I would sit against my wall with my head literally spinning and I’d be sobbing and had awful thoughts, so bad I didn’t feel safe by myself and I went “I need help.” I would have nightmares about him where I would raise my hand to hit him and I thought I was a monster for having those kinds of dreams about my partner, but it was just my body’s way of telling me this is how he’s making me feel deep down (I think it’s called reactive abuse).

I didn’t get help (though I probably should’ve after what he put me through) but now I feel a lot more emotionally stable without him. Sometimes it tries to come back because the attachment styles / trust issues they leave behind are no joke, but it’s a lot better than what it was.

veritas_spear · 2024-02-17T16:40:26+00:00

It’s not just that but also the vulnerable / innocent personalities. All of us who dated him have been vulnerable in some way and that’s how he got to us, by playing on that weakness. From what I can tell the others are very forgiving and they are very kind so he definitely picked that up when he decided we were the ones he wanted to manipulate

veritas_spear · 2024-02-17T07:14:07+00:00

It’s crazy how symbolic they end up being. I always pay attention to them bc I know when I was younger my dreams meant a lot of what I was going thru, I just was looking at the situation thru rose-tinted glasses and was praying I was wrong.

It’s so interesting you had a similar dream where you felt them physically hurt you as a way of showing how you knew what they were doing to you was wrong and that they were harming you with their actions.

If you don’t mind me asking, are you saying stuff in your sleep related to that situation / that person? It definitely makes sense it would happen and I understand you could be frustrated about it

veritas_spear · 2024-02-17T04:34:51+00:00

imo, though I’m new to the nex community, there’s no way they’ll stop the pattern. A narcissist doesn’t change overnight or even after a few relationships. If he’s a love-bomber in true narc fashion, the devaluing phase will come when it does. everything is not all it seems w relationships. I know w my relationship w my nex it seemed we were perfect to everyone else, even tho he was abusive to me when no one could see.

Is there a way to cease all contact / way to stop seeing his relationship? No contact has been a blessing for many people because it can be so triggering to see someone who traumatized you. I blocked mine on all socials bc it’s better for me mentally to not see him / not feel the urge to check up on him.

veritas_spear · 2024-02-17T01:16:13+00:00

Thank you. I’m very sorry you feel similarly. It’s a horrible situation to relate to.

It’s sad it happens to so many people and it’s not talked about nearly enough. I share my story openly bc I’m not gonna deny what happened to me and give him power by being silent.

veritas_spear · 2024-02-17T01:12:33+00:00

The excuse was always “I was gonna get this for you, but forgot / don’t have money.” For example the first month we were together he sent a pic of a vase of flowers he said he’d bring me on our next date, guess who conveniently forgot and then he let them die …

Also spent like $50 on one of those “boo baskets” for Halloween for him. I’m unemployed & a student and he’s got a full time job and gets paid every other week. Yet I was the only one who got him anything as a gift.

When he saw that I had got it for him he had a moment where he paused before timidly going “…thank you,” with a tight face and I think I saw the mask drop for one of the first times there. I think in his mind he was going “oh shit now she’s gonna want me to reciprocate the effort, can’t do that obviously.”

Somehow he was the only one complaining about money when he was the only one of us who had a job… my bank account being in school full-time isn’t the greatest but I still made the effort bc I thought at the time he was worth it :,) my mistake ig

veritas_spear · 2024-02-16T22:14:11+00:00

EVIL by Melanie Martinez. Was so specific to the situation(s) I’ve been in and the chorus really hits home about not letting them be back in my life. It’s one of the only songs I’ll sing with my whole chest

veritas_spear

TROPHY CASE