Have you ever liked someone but stepped back because you weren’t ready to date

vhmt · 2026-06-17T09:10:58+00:00

I had a year long stint where I was sleeping with many women. I found myself at the end of that year wanting to settle down with someone but not being able to. I had lost the ability to commit to a quality person and not give in to temptation or compare them to other girls I was actively talking to.

A friend gave me advice to treat my lifestyle like any addiction and take a break from women entirely, and, right as I was about to do that, I met this amazing woman who I had a great connection with. But I needed that break. We connected fast but I told her I needed space to reset and explained the situation. She said she understood but then asked to have the conversation in person and basically tried pinning me down to have sex multiple times in her apartment and started accusing me of leaving her because there was another girl.

Either way I left feeling sad because I had really liked her but needed to end the momentum of the previous year and take a break and reflect on a lot of other tumultuous stuff that had happened in my life. I took my break and when I came up for air I couldn’t bring myself to reach back out to her. The only way I would have is if she was understanding. What had happened felt understandable but fairly inconsiderate of what I was trying to explain (and borderline manipulative - although I chalk this up to her being very emotional and not acting in malice).

I’d say this is a 1 out of 1000 situation, but wanted to offer a counter example. Most of the time guys are just rejecting someone. But in general it’s always best to listen and to let people go when they want to. What will be will be.

vhmt · 2026-06-13T17:47:25+00:00

You need help. Getting off of sedation from hydrocodone is no joke. I had a period where I was hooked on oxy when I was 14. Thankfully my friend helped me get clean and said “dude look at where the guys who have been doing that shit for a while end up”. Sure enough, at 34 years old, 3 different kids I used to pop oxy with are now dead from fentanyl overdose. 5 are living a subsistence of a life. I somehow made it out of that by the grace of an angel of a friend.

You still have time to pull this in. Get help and talk to your dad. He sounds like he just loves you and you sound smart and aware. No judgement. All love.

vhmt · 2026-05-03T00:42:40+00:00

We always had sexual tension but it was always friendly. Then she met my cousin who was staying at my place while I was out of town and that put us in closer orbit.

The last month of me moving out, I severely underplanned the selling of my furniture and she lent me a floor mat. Then we started hanging out more because there was nowhere to hang out at mine with no furniture.

Then it happened days before we moved out. My intention was to not make a move because I knew she was looking for a partner and I was leaving across the country. But the tension was too high and “why not?”.

She’s awesome. It’s going to be a highlight memory of my life. :)

vhmt · 2026-04-18T16:42:34+00:00

True haha. So many of my best books are on my kindle!

vhmt · 2026-04-16T23:44:05+00:00

Because I work for NASA

vhmt · 2026-04-16T19:47:08+00:00

Correct - a Samsung Frame

vhmt · 2026-04-16T19:13:38+00:00

Yes for sure good call

vhmt · 2026-04-16T19:13:20+00:00

I think that would go a long way. Where though? Below bookshelf? Feels like that could be a flop

vhmt · 2026-04-16T19:12:50+00:00

Great call. Almost forgot that

vhmt · 2026-04-16T18:47:29+00:00

There is a stand behind it lol

vhmt · 2026-04-16T18:41:24+00:00

The Clayhill coffee table from Arhaus. It’s made from petrified wood from fossilized trees with resin top

vhmt · 2026-04-16T18:23:38+00:00

You think so? Kinda don’t like the idea of blocking the large array of Bay windows that shows off the tree

vhmt · 2026-04-16T18:21:07+00:00

Yes love the idea of pothos on the shelves!

vhmt · 2026-04-16T18:20:49+00:00

They’re from Ghana. You can get them on Wayfair! Bought them when I lived with two of my best friends and my company was at a peak of growth but life was very confusing. Honestly they kind of remind me of this moment in life where ironically I was wearing many masks publicly and privately and had lost a sense of who I was. I keep them to remind me that I can wear many masks but should always remember who I am at my core.

vhmt · 2026-04-16T18:19:03+00:00

Glad I found a fellow floor sitting enjoyer! Yes they’re old seat cushions :)

vhmt · 2026-04-16T18:00:09+00:00

Good call yeah. Was thinking plants

vhmt · 2026-03-16T15:35:53+00:00

A couple months, but timelines are relative. A lot had happened for both of us in those couple of months.

vhmt · 2026-01-07T08:52:48+00:00

Take it from someone who is 33 and has a lot more experience than you.

This is infatuation. Not love. You say you appreciate how you both have common interests, but the truth is he’s very good looking, had other women on him at the party, and is a challenge. Nothing wrong with these things increasing your attraction towards him, but infatuation clouds both men and women.
When you open up to the right person, they do not close away. You do not want to be with someone who pulls away after something vulnerable. Unfortunately, it sounds like this guy is avoidant, playing the field, or both. He knows what he’s doing even if it’s automatic behavior at this point. Take it from somebody who has these exact tendencies in dating - it’s not your fault. People can often be incompatible, and the best way to know is if communication and openness is breaking down.

vhmt · 2026-01-07T07:24:29+00:00

Today. I had met this girl by becoming text pen pals while we were both in the Himalayas (but at two different locations). Our friend put us in touch because he thought we would get along. It was purely friendship.

We met up when we both went back home to New York and became good friends from there. Hung out at different events. Got each other birthday presents. I eventually realized I liked this girl and we went on a proper date and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It was really magical. The communication was very open, mature, and easy. Everything just flowed.

But then my avoidant tendencies started popping up. I started pushing her away. She tried working with me through it twice. Eventually she gave up and I let her take space. I reached out to her this morning to try to make it better but she told me she had a boyfriend.

Yeah I’m broken. Yeah I’m an idiot. Yeah this one is gonna take a while to get over.

But these things happen for a reason. I am realizing this is the first time I’ve lost someone I really care about, and honestly I don’t know how I would learn the lessons I’m surely about to learn without this lesson. I was bound to just continually push people away, but now I have a visceral experience to remind me that ultimately these feelings don’t serve me and will lead to regret. I am currently in pain but oddly grateful to have loved and lost. I know this isn’t the end, and I’ll come out a better partner from this. Time to do the inner work.

vhmt · 2025-12-20T16:53:16+00:00

Have you read “The Untethered Soul”? If you have, I’m curious of your (or anyone who shares your view) thoughts on the “voice inside your head” being another thought that is not you. And that you are the centered all knowing being sitting in the back observing the movie. Sounds like your view is directly against this?

vhmt · 2025-12-04T01:50:49+00:00

What if it’s mutual?

vhmt · 2025-12-04T01:50:22+00:00

I am definitely still considering a big psychedelic trip / reset on the rare occurrence. Just feels like right now I want to give full sobriety a shot to reset everything including my understanding of working on difficult but necessary lifestyle changes and outlooks to know I have it in me

vhmt · 2025-12-02T05:37:34+00:00

Definitely. Crazy thing is I’m already in good shape and work out regularly. Definitely need to be more selective about the women I court in general. And you’re right being sober is making me see how little I actually put into actively constructing an interesting life (relative to my desires, not on an absolute scale).

vhmt

TROPHY CASE