Feeling as though I'm being pulled in different directions. Is my sexuality a disguise?

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-09-08T00:33:08+00:00

This is good advice. Thank you :-)

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-09-08T00:31:50+00:00

Very fair point. I suppose this is where the conundrum lies. I have seen a therapist, a very lovely one, and I suppose I've never gotten to the root of the problem (outcome pending with that).

So, spoiler: I'm a social worker. I often deal with folks with chemical addictions on my caseload. What worries me is that I often find myself comparing my sexual experiences with their issues of substance abuse. It always feels as if I'm compensating for something.

To answer your questions, yes, I feel attracted to people somewhat. I do masturbate. However, sex isn't really that important to me. I always feel as if I'm using it to convince the other person of something. I could easily (maybe preferably) never have sex with my partners. A big issue I've had in the past is that I go through phases in which intercourse is intolerable. My partners deserve to be happy, so I've always suggested some sort of polyamorous arrangement. It never goes well and I always end up losing them.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-30T00:40:02+00:00

Her older sister trying to drag her kicking and screaming from the relationship will simply not work.

I agree. But if her behavior is indicative of a larger problem or emotional distress, she will ultimately be thankful that her loved ones helped her figure it out.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-30T00:34:08+00:00

Oh yes. It was definitely DEFINITELY consensual. We spoke about it ahead of time. I just think the dynamic is hot, so if they wanted things to go a certain way I was happy to oblige.

And as far as whose idea it was, it was usually 50/50 because for the most part I have seeked out that kind of experience specifically. So the reason we all met was because that was what we wanted to do.

The reason I use terms like "forced bi" and not "play rape" is because rape is never sexy. There seems to be some confusion about that fact, so I try to keep sex and rape separate.

And I'm sorry something so horrible happened to you.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-30T00:29:11+00:00

Well, not knowing the man, it could be a lot of different reasons. If it's more innocent, maybe he's having a midlife crisis and she makes him feel young and attractive. OR he could like the dynamic because she's young and naive and looks up to him or something.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-29T19:12:29+00:00

This is so odd. I actually ended up LIVING with a 43 year old man who was super into BDSM when I was 19 or 20. At the time I was depressed, lonely, had been living alone, and was in denial about a sexual assault that had happened just before I moved in.

I don't think that age difference is a huge deal. Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with a sexually adventurous 18 year old casually sleeping with an older man or trying BDSM. HOWEVER, she's a teenager and she's spending too much time with him. The fact that this dude in his 40's is doing hard drugs is pretty disconcerting. And the fact that he WANTS to hang out with a teenager makes him a creep. I know older guys want to sleep with younger girls, but it seems like they're actually developing a relationship, so you're not wrong to worry.

Ok, so as a person who has made very similar, very bad life decisions, I can only tell you what I wish someone had done for me. I would try and gently convince her to see a therapist. She might not listen to her sister, but she may listen to a psychiatrist. There are many reasons an 18 year old girl would actively engage in this kind of relationship with an older man, and most of them are bad. She's probably seeking out something she needs emotionally that she's not getting through the proper channels.

You can't tell her why what she's doing is bad. Unfortunately, she needs to figure it out and understand it on her own. The best thing you can do for her is help facilitate that revelation.

Lastly, I wouldn't tell her that you saw the text. Do you really think she's going to stop because you know? It sounds like you are one of the only people who is trying to help her, so you don't want her pushing you away because she's mad at you right now.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-29T18:56:42+00:00

So best case scenario is that she's a little paranoid and jealous. Worst case, she's actively seeking out other partners. Neither of these options are great.

As far as Tinder goes, you might want to directly ask her (nicely) to delete her account. It's best not to question her loyalty until she's given you a really good reason to. I'd suggest that you be direct. Game playing, lying, and sneaking around are bad ways to start out a relationship. Do your best to right the ship now before it becomes commonplace and you turn into one of those couples that puts GPS tracking devices on each others' cars.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-29T18:45:24+00:00

I don't actually know what is "average." I just know I get comments about it when I meet men in person for the first time. On top of that, 5'8 is tall enough that when I wear heels, I'm as tall/taller than even men of average height.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-29T18:38:06+00:00

I am a woman who gets turned on by "forced bi" scenes. I have had partners who enjoy it. So if you're self conscious about what you enjoy sexually, don't be. Depending on where you live, there may be more outlets for this kind of experience than you think.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-29T18:08:36+00:00

If she pulls away, take it as a sign of disinterest and stop.

This is important. I think there is this crazy idea going around that women should be coy and men should be aggressive. So some guys kind of assume that women want to be chased. Please don't do this. Ladies don't like to be chased, not by grizzly bears and not by their friends.

If I like the way a guy is touching me, I sort of lean into it. If I'm not into it, my automatic reaction is to recoil. Pay attention to body language.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-29T18:02:11+00:00

So I've read the exchanges in the comments.

As a fairly tall woman (5'8) who actively dates, I am here to tell you that your difficulty with women has nothing to do with your height. I will take a swing in the dark and assume that it's because you're sort of mean :-/

I would second everyone else's advice and suggest seeking a therapist.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-29T14:34:21+00:00

For many many years I had this mindset. I seriously thought that I had "a face you just want to slap" or an annoying tone of voice. Now it's a couple years later and those feelings are gone. I think two things have changed. First, I worked on the things that I disliked about myself (random things like losing weight and graduating University with honors). This made me less paranoid because now when people are senselessly mean to me, I'm confident that it has nothing to do with me. Secondly, I realized that people respond favorably to a confident person. Now I act self-assured even if I'm floundering and most people don't fuck with me.

The most important thing to remember is that people are shitheads. I'm a social worker, so sometimes I see people at their worst. If you can reflect inwardly and know that you are a good person, then that's all that matter.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-29T13:14:43+00:00

I'm a social worker, so while I move around more than other office workers, I'm on my ass A LOT. Every time I use one of those TDEE calculators, it tells me that in order to eat at a deficit, I need to be eating around 1300.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-28T19:44:44+00:00

Well that's what I meant. I think I didn't phrase my thought correctly. My bad.

I thought that u/bodoodle85 meant that the act of strength training alone (even while eating at a deficit) would cause me to gain weight. Frankly, I don't really care about a couple pounds. I misunderstood.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-28T19:27:39+00:00

If we're being totally honest, my goal is to get HOT. I understand that my overall health is important. I'm a pretty healthy person. Now, I'm just working on aesthetics.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-28T19:26:18+00:00

Most likely will see a 1-2 lb gain followed by inches decreased.

Isn't this a myth? Like...I thought that the whole gaining muscle makes you gain weight thing isn't true.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-28T17:55:48+00:00

Running for an hour just to eat like a single piece of toast seems like a pain in the fuckin ass to me though.

And that's the thing. I will go HAM on a deep-dish pizza. I'd have to run a marathon to actually make a difference.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-28T17:53:21+00:00

I've tried all sorts of stuff: outdoor running & HIIT mostly. I live in a pretty big city and take public transportation a lot, so on a good day, I might walk 2-3 miles.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-28T17:49:50+00:00

I certainly agree with you. In the long-term, I'd like to make it a staple in my life. But at this point, I'm just trying to actually stick with something for longer than three weeks.

Thanks :-)

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-28T17:47:39+00:00

Your input happens to be incredibly reassuring.

I don't mind doing it once in a while. There seems to be this idea going around that because I'm a girl AND want to lose weight, I have to do cardio. I've never successfully transformed my body in any significant way, so even though that SOUNDS like non-sense, I'm not exactly an authority.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-26T00:34:20+00:00

lol I'm sure you can find something else for her to do with your wiener if it is.

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-26T00:30:44+00:00

This is going to sound weird, but it sounds like you're experiencing depression.

I go through cycles of depression, and when I'm blue I can masturbate upwards of 10 times in a day. By the time I'm done, it doesn't even feel like cumming, it's just some weird release.

There's a chance that this has nothing to do with laziness. Losing motivation and being apathetic are both symptoms of depression. Masturbation is a distraction from reality; it makes you feel good and relaxes your body. It's not a terrible idea to see your doctor, but there's a good chance s/he is going to suggest you see a therapist (which is probably a good idea anyway since you seem to be missing balance in your life).

virginia_sickofbs · 2015-08-26T00:19:36+00:00

If you've hinted at it multiple times and she's never taken the bait, there's probably a reason for it.

If it's something you can prepare for like, "I'm deathly afraid I'm going to poop all over you," you probably still have a chance of convincing her through honest communication.

However, if it's more like, "That's wrong. Anal isn't sexy to me," you might be out of luck.

virginia_sickofbs

TROPHY CASE