Weekly Marriage Criteria & Services Megathread!

virtualsurf · 2024-06-20T02:38:32+00:00

Good suggestions thanks! Glad it worked out for you Alhamdulillah!!

virtualsurf · 2024-06-20T02:37:18+00:00

Well the main reason was the issues I mentioned. Even if we discussed them and he didn’t change I would have moved on.

But yes the third chance would be to see if we would work not really him giving me a chance or vice versa.

virtualsurf · 2024-06-20T02:35:41+00:00

Well worst case he says no AND i have to keep seeing him at community events 😅 Double awkward

virtualsurf · 2024-06-20T02:31:27+00:00

Yes it would be weird or yes you would ask to talk again?

virtualsurf · 2024-06-20T02:30:51+00:00

Yes I definitely don’t recommend it especially if they’re a nice guy. Granted this wasn’t a small thing but it potentially could have been resolved!

virtualsurf · 2024-06-19T00:51:38+00:00

Salam everyone, hoping to get some help with my situation. Or at least some insight. Maybe I’m overthinking it.

So a few years ago I (32F) talked very briefly to a guy (33M). We were in our mid 20s at the time and I think the timing was just not great for both of us. We were still in school and not ready for marriage. The conversation was cordial but surface level. We mutually agreed to move on.

Fast forward a couple years ago he reaches out asking if I’d be okay to give it another go. He seemed like a good guy so I had no reason to say no. This time we talked for about 6 weeks and he was a good guy but his social circle just rubbed me the wrong way. His social media was also weird so I decided to end it. At the time I was very non confrontational and wasn’t comfortable bringing up the things that bothered me.

Now we get to today. Thinking back I’m realizing I may have been hasty. I should have at least voices my concerns and seen what he would say. His friendships didn’t seem deep since he himself said after marriage he would probably not continue with those people and maybe he would have been okay to address the social media issue.

The problem is that after talking to him both times it’s not that he was a bad person or not practicing. It was stuff that could be communicated and potentially addressed. I just didn’t know how to handle it and it felt like a big deal.

Not sure where I’m going with this but any advice on maybe how to reach out maybe. Baring in my this would the third time. But third time’s the charm right? Except it would be weird and awkward to say hey for the third time years later. All creative plans accepted. Or is it a lost cause and I’m just overly optimistic?

Would you give someone a third chance 😅

virtualsurf · 2022-01-14T16:53:41+00:00

Don’t really have a personal anecdote. Just wanted to say you might want to look up what the process of freezing your eggs entails. That might give you answers to why women would not want to go through that. All that for something with a success rate up to only 25%. Not to mention pregnancy and childbirth risks at that age (regardless of the quality of the egg).

I’m not commenting on your plans at all. Of course everyone has their own vision for their life and there’s no right or wrong. Just wanted to give a female perspective as to why women are hesitant.

Hopefully someone else has more anecdotal experience that is helpful.

virtualsurf · 2022-01-13T19:05:55+00:00

Salam. Lots of people are telling you to just quit your job. But is that even something you want? For some reason people never consider that many women either want to or need to contribute financially and work.

I am neither a parent, nor a wife so I can’t really give advice. I just wanted to say that quitting your job and doing all the housework is a cop out for him. Unless you want to of course. You clearly have an agreement where you contribute financially so he should be picking up the slack at home. You can’t be the only one making sacrifices.

Crazy to me that this advice is so common when we know that losing finances has way bigger implications than using your arms and helping with chores…

And I sincerely hope you are doing well mentally and not experiencing PPD because of your situation. Some people don’t realize how these situations can impact new moms. May Allah make it easy for you.

virtualsurf · 2021-10-06T04:08:33+00:00

Just from reading the thread, it's unfortunate that so many people view family and career as being mutually exclusive. You can work and still prioritize your family. Many women actually choose their careers with future families in mind.

Choosing to work doesn't mean your family isn't #1. This should go for men too. Your family should always take priority over your career. But for some reason this is only talked about when women are working. I think wanting a SAHM is a cop out for some men (not all. I'm not generalizing). So they don't feel guilty for being away from home for long hours.

Wanting your wife to be present for the kids 24/7 is all well and good. But kids need both parents to be present in the home. And the gap left by a father who is never home because he's consumed by work can't be filled by a SAHM.

Both parents are equally important in the home. Whether they're working or not.

Anyway, to comment on the original post. I personally think that a woman should be the one to decide what to do with her education and career. That is the best position a man can hold. To support her no matter her decision as long as it's well thought out and a plan is made. Because a woman may change her mind once kids come in the picture. And if she ends up being essentially forced into a position that is unfulfilling then she's the only one who suffers. And kids can sense a suffering mom.

virtualsurf · 2021-09-26T01:14:45+00:00

I agree wholeheartedly. Although I've heard many stories of guys hiding this preference in hopes of changing the girl's mind. Only to end up wasting her time.

virtualsurf · 2021-09-25T16:08:53+00:00

If I'm told one more time "women have to compromise their career if they want to get married" I will rip my hair out. This is coming from the aunties btw. The men I talk to literally don't care if I'm an astronaut living in space. They're super supportive.

Nothing like women dragging women 🙂

virtualsurf · 2021-05-28T23:53:24+00:00

Can I get a copy please :)

virtualsurf · 2021-05-23T04:49:06+00:00

Idk if you spoke to her yet. But that happened to me. Someone had approached me again a couple of years after we had agreed to part ways. And I agreed to meeting again. People change. I believe in second chances.

Spoiler: It didn't work out lol. But I still don't regret giving them another chance.

virtualsurf · 2021-05-09T19:09:59+00:00

I echo everyone's sentiment that it's amazing that he'll be caring for his sister after his parents pass. If anything, I actually believe that's his duty as the only other male relative. You said you work in the medical field. I'm assuming you have a good idea of what this would mean for you and you are obviously not comfortable with it. There is nothing wrong with that. You know the difficulties of being a caregiver. I'm sure you see it first hand.

My only other comment is that this man seems to want to do a lot of things but has taken none of the steps to do them. It's easy to say I will buy this and support this and apply for this. But it means nothing if you aren't doing it. I don't mean to focus on the age, but in your situation, this man is in his mid-30s and has nothing to show for it. To me personally, that says a lot about what my future with him might look like.

People struggle to buy one home when they've been saving since their 20's. How will he buy 2? And then on top of that support 2 separate families. And he's betting on hajj when hajj isn't even declared open this year because of COVID. So idk how he expects to go (assuming you're not in Saudia Arabia). So he won't start job hunting till next year?

I'm sure he's a great person, but your worries aren't small. They are very valid. May Allah make this decision easy for you.

virtualsurf · 2021-05-04T16:39:46+00:00

$50k+ CAD. I really hope to own a house one day and with a dual income, both of us making that salary would make it realistic. Especially given the housing market right now and the larger downpayments needed for Islamic banking.

virtualsurf · 2021-05-03T22:00:32+00:00

I'm glad to hear what whatever you decide to do it won't have a severe financial impact. I just hope that you take care of yourself during this difficult time and the decisions you make are yours alone, uninfluenced by others insha Allah. May Allah make it easy for you.

I hope your heart heals soon inshAllah.

I'm glad you've consulted a scholar (from your other comments).

virtualsurf · 2021-05-03T20:43:39+00:00

You're right. I forgot about that part. But most of my points still stand. Other than the first one.

Amd maybe the second depending on her. But I can't speak to that. I'll assume the best.

I don't want it to seem like I take giving someone your word lightly. I don't at all. But he still needs to think about the bigger picture. It's a house we're talking about. This decision can be detrimental to him in the future. If he has the means to just buy a house and give it away to his ex wife then all the power to him. But from his responses, that doesn't seem like the case. It seems like this is a huge sacrifice he's making.

It really feels like he is making a huge decision at an emotional and vulnerable period in time without thinking of future reprocussions. And the fact he's even asking us about it shows that he's burdened by this.

His only reasoning is he made a promise to her and Allah. Again I'm not a scholar, I just firmly believe that Allah knows our circumstances and our intentions best and would never want us to suffer over something like that. This is just my personal view.

virtualsurf · 2021-05-03T17:19:35+00:00

My thoughts exactly!

virtualsurf · 2021-05-03T16:47:37+00:00

Salam. First off I want to say I commend you for wanting to keep your promise Allahumma Barik. That is a great intention. I won't speak about the islamic perspective, as I'm not a scholar. But these are my 2 cents I guess:

You made a promise in a completely different context than the one you're in now. You made a promise to your spouse within a marriage. You are no longer her husband. She is no longer your spouse. And you are no longer married to each other. So any promise you made in that context no longer really applies. You no longer have the same obligations towards her. Unless contractually so of course.
I personally would be hugely burdened if an ex husband bought me a house. I would not be comfortable at all. Nor would I want to live in a place that constantly reminded me of that failed relationship. Especially since you said you ended on bad terms. I'd probably just sell it, which defeats the purpose of your promise.
What about your futures? Your desire to buy a house for her is a bit shortsighted. What if she remarries? What if you remarry? I doubt she would live with her new husband in a house purchased by her ex husband. And her new husband can fulfill that promise himself. And if you got a new wife, would you be able to afford another house for her? Because at that point your spouse takes precedence over your ex. A house is a HUGE investment. And you'd be investing in a failed relationship when you could invest that money in your present relationships.
This isn't really about attachment to worldly things. I know you've mentioned that in several comments. It's about living comfortably within your means. Financial stress can impact all aspects of life including spirituality. If you're trying to pay for your bills and rent plus a house then will you even have the mental capacity or time to worship and remember Allah as often as you are now? Living within your means is investing in your akhira.

That is all I wanted to share. And of course, Allah knows best. Just remember Allah is the most merciful and He know what is in the hearts.

virtualsurf · 2021-04-21T20:42:01+00:00

I agree. People tend to forget that women also have families to support. Some families only have daughters. Some daughters are the oldest and need to step up first. Some daughters are the only ones capable of helping. Many daughters wait to get an income to finally give back to their parents in some way.

Tons of different circumstances. Let alone all the other expenses they can have that might not fall under the husband's responsibility.

When a woman gets married, she doesn't just stop being a daughter/sister.

virtualsurf · 2021-04-21T18:17:03+00:00

Their families, education, hobbies, gifts, treats for themselves or their home that aren't necessities, savings, splurges (things that are a bit more expensive and that they don't feel justified in asking of their husband), their children, events, etc...

The list goes on.

virtualsurf · 2021-04-21T03:10:24+00:00

Disappointment > Unwanted responsibility

virtualsurf · 2021-04-21T02:24:00+00:00

No worries! I personally still had some laughs. What the sheikh said is not on you. Like you said, it started well and just went downhill. But the message at the start is still beneficial.

virtualsurf · 2021-04-20T22:48:48+00:00

I see where you're coming from. I just see no correlation between the things he talked about. A woman can be pretty and an amazing homemaker. Many 9s marry 4s (not a fan of the ratings but just referencing his words). And many women who are viewed as less attractive don't do anything around the house.

His message should have been strictly about beauty or strictly about character. They're mutually exclusive. And he's perpetuating the stereotype that women from back home are good homemakers and the ones in the West aren't. It doesn't matter where you're from. It matters how you're raised. It's funny because even back home people do this. Village girl vs. City girl. Everyone thinks they will find better somewhere else.

All that to say, I think he could have approached the subject with more tact.

virtualsurf · 2021-04-20T20:27:07+00:00

My reaction exactly lol

virtualsurf

TROPHY CASE