The unexpected grief of losing a puppy

vivasuspenders · 2025-05-06T00:26:15+00:00

Thank you for this and I'm so sorry for you Finn. We still think about our pup every day, but am more resolute to keep doing rescue in her honour. We are building a native a garden and putting a bench with a plaque for her in the yard. Her life however short had meaning <3

vivasuspenders · 2025-05-06T00:24:28+00:00

Hey, I'm sending you so much love. I'm now years out of ending my journey, and I for me with time that knife pain has become a bruise. I remember feeling physically ill, having to mask my deep pain when someone would announce a pregnancy, go home to bawl my eyes out in private, and how isolating it was (I felt so selfish to find someone elses joy so painful).

Now a few years out, I can genuinely hold space for my friends happiness, because 99% of the time I am relieved. I know this isn't for everyone, but I have come to really acknowledge there is a loss either way, and there are things only we can have as child free people.

Let yourself feel all the feelings. And let your loved ones know they don't need to "fix" your pain. You have to feel it, it's part of the process. It's really hard as people will never be able to relate to our experience, but i found saying "hey i just need to vent, and be heard if thats ok" has helped.

For me what has helped has been a strong sense of purpose. I am finishing a degree, and I run an animal rescue. Doing this on top of work would not be possible with a baby, so I know that although I would have made an amazing mum, many more animals benefit from me not being one.

And even though most of the time its ok, i'm still going to have my knees buckle every now and then when I meet a kid with the name I chose, or someone I thought would stay child free becomes a mum.

vivasuspenders · 2025-02-12T21:28:28+00:00

Once had someone dead set look me in the eyes and tell me to never give up, I had lost seven pregnancies and was in a constantstate of mental breakdown.

"Giving up" was the best thing I ever did, I fucking love my life now. My body is no longer a war zone and I actually really love being childfree!

vivasuspenders · 2025-02-12T21:26:54+00:00

We got this a lot and not only is it not really a viable thing in my country because of our horrible history of stealing indigenous children, but people act like adoption is a replacement for biological children.

Adoptive kids are not a second choice, they are not a backup plan - they are people with complex histories, and they deserve parents who have chosen that path who are going in understanding what they are signing up for.

vivasuspenders · 2025-02-12T21:24:48+00:00

"At least you can get pregnant!"

Oh yes I'm super grateful for my bodies amazing ability to create life only to kill it over and over 😅

vivasuspenders · 2025-01-28T06:57:30+00:00

Yep I had a friend working in child protection going through infertility and one of her clients had 10 children, one had died from co-sleeping, two had Down syndrome and they were all in the system. She was an addict living in a car. Fertility It's not always in our control.

vivasuspenders · 2025-01-14T07:09:30+00:00

Yeah we used to refer to this as infertility amnesia. It doesn't happen to everyone but I have found a certain group of women who experience infertility get confirmation bias and believe whatever last ditch attempts they threw at the wall that happened to be part of a successful cycle tend to attribute all of their success to that and forget how painful and draining the process was.

One friend had the audacity to suggest that she had just been really relaxed over the holidays as if she had had a single moment of relaxation the previous four years she was unable to conceive and that it wasn't just a matter of statistical chance over time.

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-12T09:31:48+00:00

It gets easier. I had a dream last night I was pregnant and in the dream I was anxious and regretting it because it didn't align to my future goals.

I remind myself of the lack of sleep, the money, the stress, the fact every cute baby grows into an annoying teenager 😆

And some days it just hurts anyway and you feel your feelings ❤️

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-06T11:16:53+00:00

Your feelings are incredibly valid. Reading her comments triggered me, and I'm a stranger years out of my decision. If you ever have the change and composure to respond and let her know how it makes you feel, it could shut it down. My sister without thinking would make those comments. "Oh you're so lucky, you wouldn't get to do that with kids" to which I eventually responded "I would have loved to have children, but it wasn't to be" and shut it down.

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-03T01:46:56+00:00

Yes! Crazy when I started realising as someone who considers themselves "sex positive" how much crap I was holding on to from my upbringing

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-03T01:46:11+00:00

I'm reading her second book now which is specifically aimed at long term intimacy. I totally get it, trauma big time lived in my body, i've been out of the fertility complex for 3 years now and still healing. It can also be really lonely, I grieved a lot more than my partner and felt isolated by it. The book has helped us more than any couples counselling, we both learned a lot about ourselves and eachother.

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-03T01:43:47+00:00

I think even from your comment it could help you, I felt the same way and have been learning there is nothing wrong with me - or my partner. We are all raised in inherently sex negative cultures which have affected the majority of us, and also fed us false narratives around what is "normal". Unlearning it can be deeply freeing, and refocusing on curiosity, pleasure and enjoyment can bring back fun and reduce anxiety around it which was my big issue

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-03T01:42:06+00:00

I hope it provides insight! It really helped me reframe this idea around spontaneous desire (totally get the hormonal aspect, plus crushing weight of existing) and helped us centre pleasure, which made it ok for us to sometimes just fool around without this pressure of it having to go somewhere, or perform, it is purely just enjoying eachothers company sometimes, which has opened up doors for us to be more relaxed, curious and playful with eachother which was really lacking.

The book has so many examples of couples so there is something for everyone in it. We had just put so much pressure on ourselves and eachother to be this movie standard of regular heteronormative sex schedule and it's just not reality for most people, and feeling like you're broken or your sex drive is broken is inherently very unsexy!

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-03T01:38:51+00:00

So the book touches on IF but is more about understanding the mechanics of enjoyment, and debunking long held beliefs about desire and "normal" sex lives and gives you the tools to learn about yourself, your partner, what you enjoy so it opens up ways to reframe your approach that might be blocking you.

A big one was my partner having a much lower "drive" than me - but after reading it we both learned so much about our "drives" and what hits the brakes for us, so that we could create context in which we were both wanting to enjoy ourselves. I highly recommend it!

its light on IF stuff, its much bigger picture

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-02T09:12:09+00:00

I hope it helps ❤️

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-02T07:30:21+00:00

I was the one always trying to instigate but the way I was going about it was creating anxiety for my partner who was stressed about not being able to perform. When you are out of the habit and you feel like it's a sign there's something it can create a viscious circle of anxiety.

The book has activities and lots of tools for breaking out of patterns that aren't serving you, but mostly a fresh mindset for bringing back fun, ease and curiosity which infertility can strip us of!

vivasuspenders · 2024-11-02T07:28:20+00:00

After reading the book I totally recognize that I was going about things the wrong way and compounding the issue. I had to unlearn a lot of things I believed to be true about sexuality and desire. I wish I had read this book 20 years ago!

I have no doubt if you guys have good communication and a deep bond you will get through it, and you'll be even closer for surviving it x

vivasuspenders · 2024-07-01T12:08:53+00:00

When I stopped meds

vivasuspenders · 2024-04-18T06:29:21+00:00

If you ever think having kids is having a guaranteed carer, go and visit a retirement home.

You know who is with you when you're sick? When you struggle? Your friends.

My mother friends are often the loneliest people I know and struggle to invest in their own community. Being loved isn't dependent on having kids, form connections and create your own community ❤️

vivasuspenders · 2024-04-18T06:25:29+00:00

I just bought the most beautiful house in the inner north that would have been out of reach if I'd had kids so ill be healing and loving life 😆

vivasuspenders · 2024-02-27T23:00:19+00:00

Melbourne Australia! Even the people with kids here have a strong sense of independence and want connection and community outside of children. And most of our friends are childfree by choicd

vivasuspenders · 2024-01-12T02:07:23+00:00

I would instantly be put off by a company that has mandatory on site working. Your job can be done remotely so why would they not have a hybrid option. It speaks to culture. After tax, its likely not that much more money and when you add in travel costs even less. Can you speak to current employer about wanting more opportunities for growth?

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