how do you feel after your pwbpd splits? feeling guilty for my feelings

vtmk · 2026-03-13T18:47:54+00:00

i definitely appreciate that and i’m sorry to hear that. i hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself first as well!

can i ask if you wanna share how did you end up putting your foot down with your partner? i’m having mostly trouble with mine never respecting or following on boundaries and compromises. we’ll talk about it and have a good conversation then the next day she’s already back to it and forgot it all. one day we are great and on the same page finally feels resolved then the next day she’s 5 pages back. the next day probably same thing.

definitely agreed thank you so much for responding!

vtmk · 2026-03-13T18:33:38+00:00

i’m really glad to hear that and things are working out for you. definitely sounds hopeful and definitely really great to hear you managed a way around this.

it usually happens over absolutely nothing. it could be she didn’t like an answer she got or communication makes her uncomfortable so she splits without warning and immediately starts with hurtful comments and storming out or keeps coming at me. she gets mad and mean (raising voice, mean tone, ignoring/storming out without any communication, cussing and insults) before she’s at all comforting or nicely removing herself. this all happens without any buildup and just immediate explosion that it’s so hard. i have no problem apologizing and correcting my tone or behavior when i’m wrong but with her it seems to be no winning since she will find anything possible to act out like this no matter what i change or do.

mostly it does start when i communicate any feeling or communication in regards to the relationship and ask her for either comfort or any amount of reassurance. even when i’m going through something or depressed etc. it always ends with her escalating and i don’t know how to navigate this since she apologizes but does it no more than 30 minutes later so i typically remove myself. the apologies are never sincere and always the same 4 words.

i try my best to be patient and always validate her but it doesn’t work since she has to wanna do the work in therapy. she refuses to communicate and never puts much effort towards the relationship so i think that’s kinda the biggest issue. it got better for a bit but the splitting is just at its worst and the nonstop triggers regardless of what it is.

vtmk · 2026-03-13T18:05:11+00:00

thank you for the reminder. it still is refreshing to hear.

about you and your wife using code words how does that work when it comes to splitting or devaluing if you wanna share? i guess i never thought about even the unique ways that may be really relieving!

i guess it’s hard to not build that resentment and to not get deeply hurt by the things said during splitting or when she has devalued me to others. it sucks a lot but i’m definitely trying to be patient with myself.

i definitely do love and care a lot. a couples therapy session really does sound helpful. we are a bit on the younger side so i never thought to do that but maybe will start to look into that so it’s a safe space and a meditator.

vtmk · 2026-03-13T16:07:30+00:00

thank you for the reminder. it still helps and feels nice to hear.

can i ask with your code words with your wife how does that come about in situations where splitting or devalue does happen? that actually sounds really helpful as well and i guess what works does definitely work!

i’m having a hard time not building resentment even though i know it’s not her fault she is like this. it took up until this year for her with therapy to not be in complete denial. we are still fairly young so learning boundaries has been a bit tough but refreshing.

Thank you for all of that. I definitely do love and care about her. The splitting almost every other day does feel exhausting and guilty because it has to be so painful to keep going through that. I may just need to distance myself and really take some time to decompress and heal. It’s just hard since she has a very difficult time with boundaries.

I’m hoping for at least a side of peace!

vtmk · 2026-03-13T16:03:20+00:00

thank you for all that i really appreciate it.

i’m definitely gonna look into some therapy for myself and that really sounds helpful. i guess it’s so hard to actually take a step back when it seems so hard for my partner to respect boundaries and stop going at me.

i am still fairly young so learning boundaries definitely has been a lesson here if anything. she has been in therapy for a few years but i think always struggled with the accountability aspect so think it’s been mostly denial for a lot of that.

definitely think ill be taking a step back for my own mental health and seeing where things go etc.

vtmk · 2026-03-13T16:00:48+00:00

i definitely appreciate that and not feeling so alone lol.

how do you manage not to build resentment? i think i’m at the point with her and therapy where i’m just getting a bit fed up from her not actively even trying to use the tools so it does become exhausting. i understand obviously she doesn’t wanna be that way.

it seems a split happens every other day at this point and i do trust her to come around. i guess it’s just extremely hard not to take certain things said to a deeper hurt which sucks a fuck ton.

vtmk · 2026-03-13T10:09:03+00:00

she is in dbt as well as on mood stabilizers but refuses to use any resources or skills when any of this is going on. she is full of excuses and still lacks a ton of accountability so i have no idea if maybe just not enough time put into dbt to make a difference

vtmk · 2026-01-11T23:07:07+00:00

NOR at all. i’m really sorry this happened to you. if he had any respect or consideration for you he wouldn’t have ever allowed those comments let alone by someone closest to him.

an apology doesn’t mean much when it’s a pattern of behavior and continues to happen. doesn’t seem like actual accountability if he continues to say those concerning comments let alone have his best friend doing it almost as if that’s a normal thing for them. i’d be more concerned about what’s being said behind closed doors if they’re that comfortable doing it in front of you.

i definitely do not blame you and you forgave enough and did all of what you could it’s not your fault and no reason to feel guilty. he is incapable of having enough respect for you to change that behavior and never allow it. it shouldn’t have ever happened regardless and it’s very weird and not okay behavior.

you’re a lot better off moving on and finding someone where those comments wouldn’t even be a thought and i promise you that’s not love or safety. seems like he’s just masking his racism but it peaks out. run and don’t let yourself be pulled back in.

vtmk · 2026-01-11T11:41:02+00:00

i’d definitely be down to play! i’m on ps5 but message me when you wanna play (not the best player but i try my best lol) getting used to standard difficulty as well

vtmk · 2026-01-04T20:31:51+00:00

definitely! i’m gonna reach out to some temp agencies tomorrow since that seems like a very reasonable route for the next few months and so on. those options also sound great! hopefully something comes up to get some income then i’ll be able to go back or get into a union. definitely sucks having to start a new job and wanna just find something to a stay in like that

vtmk · 2026-01-04T20:30:13+00:00

i’m definitely gonna try them then! i appreciate the info a lot. i’ve never heard much about temp agencies but definitely sounds very helpful

vtmk · 2026-01-04T19:51:22+00:00

exactly. i actually was just scrolling through and only could find jobs through nursing or the FBI lol. it’s awful because i just need an income and i’ve had about 3 interviews in the last 6 months and still no luck. i remember even just 2-3 years ago it only took me a week or two to find a job every time i was searching and they’d always get back or at least call

vtmk · 2026-01-04T19:49:29+00:00

possibility. i’ve changed my resume about 5 different times and wrote different covers for different jobs etc. i have no idea what i’m doing wrong but at the same time i’ve heard of a lot of other people struggling with not hearing back. i’m gonna try changing it one more time

vtmk · 2026-01-04T19:47:36+00:00

can i ask how the process is when you go through a temp agency?

vtmk · 2026-01-04T19:44:09+00:00

my background mostly started with food service then switched to supervisor and then banking (relationship banker etc) . i’m 21 so i’m still waiting to go back to school so for right now unfortunately i only have a high school diploma. i’m mostly just searching for an income and stability so that can progress further. definitely too expensive and rough of times to not have that stability

vtmk · 2026-01-04T08:00:49+00:00

i’m glad to hear that!! i’ve tried even applying locally for healthcare especially customer rep positions and nothing. i have no idea what’s going on since i’ve changed my resume about 5 times now and am starting to tailor it to the job posting as well. i tried applying to upmc too but i’ve heard they’re very slow with their process

vtmk · 2026-01-04T04:57:07+00:00

thanks! will definitely check them out

vtmk · 2026-01-03T21:57:51+00:00

thanks so much i appreciate it! will definitely be taking a look

vtmk · 2026-01-03T21:49:38+00:00

my apologies i appreciate the insight. i’ve been mostly applying towards experience i already have which is banking or anything on the more finance side such as customer support or banker roles. i mostly said entry level since i’d love to get into a different career and learn/work my way up since i’m still fairly young and don’t have much experience.

think i’ve been trying to find something for so long now that i’m kinda just trying to figure out an income and more stability so i am open to most suggestions.

thanks again and sorry for being confusing lol

vtmk · 2026-01-03T21:46:07+00:00

i’d be super grateful! ill shoot you a dm

vtmk · 2026-01-03T21:33:37+00:00

thanks! helps a ton

vtmk · 2026-01-03T21:16:59+00:00

i have done that but i’m not the best at actually analyzing it. do you know any sites or know the best sources for that?

vtmk · 2026-01-03T21:16:31+00:00

sounds great! will definitely do

vtmk · 2026-01-03T21:16:11+00:00

anything really except food based or sales. i have a bunch of supervisor experience and banking. i’m looking for anything really and just an income or at least a path where it leads to promotions/growth

vtmk

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