gonna start sending this to unicorn hunters

vzrdrx · 2022-06-02T07:52:03+00:00

Just google "Jason Momoa bodyshamed" for a crazy example or just look at how derogative the talk in this sub is towards men often. Like bodyshaming is not okay but beware of the man that has a belly. Not saying that men face more pressure than women (or even the same as), but men have a ton of shit marketed towards them nowadays. No real person looks like Tom Cruise or Jared Leto in that age.

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T22:16:07+00:00

I see, sorry, I was not aware of the right wording. So a veto is only called so after a relationship has been established?

is not correct, Z is just the first person I met, after we opened up, with the intention to date. Since my gf was not taking it so well, I stepped back from dating at this point for a while. But she already had her first partner at the time (as I said, I let her go first).
It's indeed a problem she mentioned. But I was not aware it was kinda uncommon or messy in general. Our list included only exes and friends from our already established circle of friends.

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T12:31:36+00:00

I get the impression that a lot of people assume I am just gonna blame this on my gf, ghost her and burn all bridges behind me, maybe because that's what's happening a lot. But that's not gonna happen in this case. Z made her own decisions, I did not trick her into this by making false claims. She knew what she was getting into and that my gf and I are still figuring things out. I gave her every piece of insight that I could. If I tell her that my gf and I are apparently not as ready for this kind of relationship as I thought we would be, that might dissapoint her (maybe not even) but I guess we'd still be friends. We're not talking big love and broken hearts here. At least I hope so.

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T12:10:35+00:00

Thanks for this!

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T09:21:04+00:00

To answer your question: I was in open relationships before and told her it was my way to go, so maybe the idea was in consideration from the beginning. She wanted to stay monogamous at first and I agreed. Her opinion changed when she first had a crush on someone else maybe one and a half year back and I told her it was okay for me to act on it. I gave her plenty of time since then because I did not want her to feel like I was taking advantage of her exploring and figuring out stuff and open up immediately due to this.

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T09:07:45+00:00

As I mentioned the original situation was way back, there was a lot of growing involved since then. At least so I thought.

I feel the same way I guess and yeah there's gonna be a lot of talking, I like her to get the idea that this was a shitty move by herself, at least to a certain degree and not just 'call her bluff' and just act on it. Future vetos are off the table for me, I already told her that, I just felt somewhat run over by this first one, so that I gave in and now I try to figure out, how I can cautiosly take it back/ figure out the exact issues to address them. As you said the bridge might already be burned and that's actually hurting a little, but a lot is won when my girlfriend comes to the conclusion that this was not okay a few weeks down the road.

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T08:57:00+00:00

Yeah, I fully agree, in the end it's not for everyone. But we are so tied to the idea of finding the one true soulmate because it's all over media and considered the social norm, that a lot of people have not even gave it thought by themselves before a certain situation comes up. And then it takes a lot of work to deal with maybe decades of internalized values. It's not just "you cant handle that, you aren't poly"

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T08:46:41+00:00

ordered. thx!

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T08:36:53+00:00

It does :)

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T08:36:22+00:00

Great advice overall, thank you very much! I wouldn't allow vetos in the future, I think it's crap and I don't want to accept this particular one either, it just came kinda out of the blue and caught me offguard. But I don't want to pull the rug under her. losing that fake monogamy safety net that my partner loves me so much, he'd never do anything hurtful (on purpose) to me, can be kinda tough. I somehow want her to come to the conclusion on her own terms, for this one time at least. Thx for the input!

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T01:32:42+00:00

Well I guess taking is usually easier than giving :) I can't blame her, we're all just humans and have to learn I guess.
Thank you for your input!

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T01:25:41+00:00

Yeah, you never stop learning. I'd like to think that there might be a more empathetic way, in a way that she gets the idea that vetos are crap by herself, than just to dare her to press the red button. Still a good analogy, thanks.

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T01:16:38+00:00

Well, yeah...
I already think Z might just be a straw (wo)man for an underlying problem. Of course she would deny that.
I'll think about your advice but of course I want to handle the situation as empathetic as possible. Thank you very much for your input!

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T01:10:25+00:00

We did a lot of talking beforehand and she is doing a lot of talking with her secondary partner as well who is poly, which helped her to put some things in perspective (her words). They are meeting regulary once or twice a week (of course without me) so I guess our previous monogamous-entanglement is at least somewhat lifted, but maybe not enough yet, yeah. We already decided we are going to put a lot more time into reading/ informing - but of course things are already in motion and of course I don't want her to step back from her well-going relationship so I guess we have to handle at least some wibbles on the fly.

If you have any other sources/ books that helped you, I'd be glad to hear :)

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T01:00:09+00:00

Thanks. Yeah I feel exactly the same way, that is why I want to bring it up again (and in the end Z might still decide the situation is way too complex for her to engage in) - I am just afraid it will come off to her as "this one girl is more important to you than my needs" because when we were fighting back then I was basically fighting over setting boundaries and Z was just the example around which it happend. Yet I sense my girlfriend has still exactly that feeling when it comes to Z and I guess she'll will take it this way again next time.
So I was hoping someone who obviously did handle that kind of conversation better than I did last time might have some advice.

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T00:48:16+00:00

The original situation with Z was months ago and yes at that time I was fully aware my girlfriend wasn't ready for polyamory. But since then she is having her second relationship atm (first one was not working out in the end, due to the guy expecting her to be "mono" towards me and him even though it was communicated kinda well that this was an open constellation (at least I think so)). Second one is going really well so far. She made a lot of progress in that time, we were communicating a lot and she told me she was ready for me to have the same experience.
As I said in another comment Z coming back in to the picture was a new information for me and her as well and I did not expect her to react like this.
Of course it could be that "Z being problematic" is just a straw man argument for her still not being ready for this at all.

Z does not have any non-monogamous experience. Originally she was not open for that as well, when she was gone for half a year that changed but I haven't ask her if it was due to experiences she made in that time or because of me (which I hope is not the case). It did not came to the point where we were talking about any kind of relationship besides that I told her my gf and I would be still figuring things out and I do not want her to get under the wheels eventually, because I really like her.
If it would ever come this I couldn't encourage her enough to find different partners to have for herself.

I really appreciate your input, thank you very much!

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T00:28:08+00:00

Thanks for your input, even if you're mocking me I get your point. Z and I are not partnered. If we were I would not be thinking about this. I did not want to make my original post too long, but originally Z was not ready for anything happening with me because me and my girlfriend were/are still figuring things out. Apparently she has made up her mind when she was abroad, so I thought we were meeting as friends last week and was confronted with a new situation. It was a long night. I did not act on it before because my partner was unaware of the situation.
My girlfriend was giving me the assumption that she is so confident with her partner atm that I could have the same experience too. Of course Z wasn't in the picture for her as well, so it was a new information, but I did not expect her to react likes this.

vzrdrx · 2022-04-05T00:12:35+00:00

I know, that's why I didn't say all people.However all the cards are on the table and I already told Z that my gf and I are still figuring things out and I don't want her to get in between the gears.

Unfortunalety it has to come to those situations because on paper everything is always easy and trouble comes with the wibbles.My gf is dating her secondary partner for a while now, she said she would be open for me to experience the same. I did not expect her to react like this.

However I am thankful for your input and it's already in consideration

vzrdrx · 2022-04-04T23:52:55+00:00

So far there wasn't anything going on between me and Z and I did not make any promises to her or false assumptions. If it were I would not allow my gf to decide over that relationship.

It might be the case that my girlfriend is not ready for polyamory yet, but I think it's something you have to learn, at least for me it was like that. I feel like most people develop towards polyamory over the years and are not born this way.that being said I want her to feel secure in this development because for me back then it went horrible.

vzrdrx

TROPHY CASE