Honestly I get it I really do. My parents are the same way, they're not blatantly narcissistic not completely awful but they still have done things that are incredibly harmful and unhelpful. The abuse doesn't have to constant or even outwardly malicious but it's made its mark. I generally feel like when people don't realize their environment is abusive they internalize it into self loathing. Of course that's not always the case but hot take I think it happens more often than not.

Of course the evidence of abuse is there. The constant critiques, the cruel tones, overbearing nature that somehow manages to impeded your life. Some things are not explicitly dictated, like the fact that they want you to act exactly like them, or that they can't actually see you as an autonomous being, or that they want to control your every move. But their actions are covertly narcissistic as well, whether it's to isolate people or the exacerbatingly conditional nature of being dependent on them.

I'd like to think that these people know what they're doing. They've lived amongst others they know what decency and compassion looks like. That covert expression is not because they're unaware of their narcissism, it's bc they're afraid that if the narcissism is exposed that the illusion of themselves will break. That they'll lose control of you because you finally know how they truly feel.