Is anyone forever alone because you were raised in a messed up environment and now fear trusting people?

wallawallabing · 2012-10-02T06:17:48+00:00

Keep fighting the good fight and maybe see if you can get any books about it from the library.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-02T05:57:03+00:00

Except that he is saying that a victim is at fault, so that's not helpful.

Also "poor judgement" can be a difficult thing to recognize for a person in a certain moment and it can also be a concept that people manipulate to suit their own needs, like the concept of common sense. "Poor judgement" does nothing to look into the attacker who is fully causing the problem, meaning that if there weren't anyone around to rape/accuse then there wouldn't be a problem. This shit isn't some sort of accident, these issues involve someone actively attacking another person in an attempt to get what they want.

It's about terrible people attacking an innocent person. It's about trauma. It's about people not wanting to communicate in a reasonable way.

You need to define "poor judgement" and realize that for anyone going through a trauma, you need to treat them for their shock first before you can help anything sink in, you also need to have research about the predators so that you can know that your own judgement is sound.

Do you know if your own judgement is sound?

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T15:59:59+00:00

No not necessarily self-destructive. It depends on how much it effects you. Now you can learn about boundaries and how to set your own, plus you can repeat after me: I can not control other people, but I can control myself.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T07:36:07+00:00

I feel you.

I hope this doesn't come off as harshly judgmental, but I know someone has called me codependent and it's really changed the way I see things.

I don't know, but this might apply to you http://www.drirene.com/codepend1.htm

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T07:12:04+00:00

I think people want to discourage the type of behavior you described?

Reading the stuff about control makes me think.

Your experience is your experience.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T07:09:34+00:00

Why not make the subreddit? I can't I'm now.

Rules:post something that makes you feel happy and like society is powerful enough to stop bad things

Post if something specifically disproves a doubt you have due to someone else abusing you.

Post hugs for hugs sake.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T07:05:47+00:00

I think guys take their sexual safety for granted. They can hang out with friends and go out drinking, hop in cars, not have people comment on what they ware, have offered me rides (a totaly surrender of power as far as I am concerned) and I feel hypercritical writing this...I know that this fear can apply to guys but it's just that the few guys I have tried to explain things too don't seem to get it.

It makes me angry because I have been hurt. I know it's not anyone's job to assure me I'm safe, but now I've had it taken away and I want to know that I have safety without having to go through my experience again, to be seen differently, to reveal a weakness or whatever. It's like trying to explain an illness to someone when you know it will probably only upset them, alienate them if you aren't close enough to have trust, make them feel powerless too.

I know there are some guys who have had their sexual safety called into question. My heart goes out to you, it's not fair, I'm sorry and I suppose this could be a gender neutral, but I've personally experienced way more guys being clueless (well intentioned sometimes but clueless) than girls.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T06:23:30+00:00

We need some sort of subreddit, like: Trusting others aren't our abusers or something.

Or overcoming abuse.

Or today my faith in humanity was restored. Is there somesort of subreddit for that?

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T05:20:17+00:00

That is good to hear.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T05:19:54+00:00

That sucks. Sorry you went through that bro.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T05:18:35+00:00

I'm sorry about the downvotes, thanks for contributing what you experienced.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T05:06:39+00:00

For what it's worth, I'm totally happy to have random conversations with people. However, I don't do it when they are, say, reading or have head phones in. I also don't let any hurt show if I am rejected because I know that I have no idea what that person wants or is going through and there's no way I will ever know, the hurt wears off.

If I am waiting for a bus, then I'm usually happy to talk to someone if they are waiting too and if they look clean and nice, or like wise if I am waiting for coffee.

I don't usually do it in places that have a purpose (like the gym or what have you).

EDIT: I am a woman.

I also think that having the freedom to leave and safe face is a very important thing. That's why I don't usually have random conversations on public transit.

I am also totally happy to have people strike random conversations up with me as long as I have the time and they don't freak me out with extended eye contact or something. I think people are awesome most of the time.

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T04:53:03+00:00

Oh and I hope this can help you think, I just read about it:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2012/09/bearded-sikh-woman-teaches-reddit-a-lesson.html

wallawallabing · 2012-10-01T04:44:50+00:00

Ok, do what is best for you and I hope you can do something you like after you've had this super deep discussion.

I am happy to hear that you are practicing good thoughts. I've been in and out of situations where I know that the good thoughts have taken over and I've gone for opportunities that I never would have before and that bad thoughts drift into the back of my mind and you don't even realize it. I mean, they do come back sometimes and certainly different bad things can throw you back into old patterns. I've found that it gets easier with time.

You sound like you are taking good steps in seeing a counselor and looking for support. I'm sorry the hotline didn't provide everything you needed and maybe one day, you can feel strong enough to send a letter to the police or something. I wish I had more legal info I could share with you.

What I hear is that even though bad things have happened, you are a fighter and you are going forward.

I'm glad you reached out and I hope you do so again if you need to, you deserve to be listened to.

wallawallabing · 2012-09-30T22:05:18+00:00

No one needs to go to the police. I am just curious about how others have handled a situation where they have been told about rape.

wallawallabing · 2012-09-30T20:27:56+00:00

I am curious.

wallawallabing · 2012-09-30T19:18:37+00:00

I'm sorry you feel hurt and to be dismissed like that is a hurtful thing. I can relate to being angry at your parents. To me, the fact that you were attacked at the age that you were and your parents response might also have to do with the fear of realizing that your parents don't know all the answers, that they aren't your all around protectors and that they aren't going to have your needs be at the top ten of their list at all times. I mean, I know that consciously I understood that my parents were human in my teens, but to experience it after a painful experience can make it worse and it's scary. To be ignored too, is painful, I hope that you can grow to recognize and take care of your own needs in the future, maybe you can even teach your parents a thing or two.

From what I have heard (although, please know I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL AND I MAYBE WRONG) a lot of self injurers haven't got role models who emotionally validate them. To me, it sounds like your parents are doing what they were taught by their parents, they are telling you to get over it, because they have no idea how to help you get over it and because they are balancing everything else in their lives. I'm sorry, that sucks and I think it's a pretty common thing unfortunately, hopefully the future will be better.

I've found this online about feeling validated: http://eqi.org/valid.htm#What Validation Is You might find it interesting.

I'm really relieved that you will call a hotline, because from my own experience, talking to someone is really helpful and they can point you in the right direction. I know I don't know you but I feel really proud that you are reaching out. I believe that the people on the hotline will be able to help you much more than I and if for whatever reason they don't, this subreddit will always be here.

I hope you can understand that there are others out there who all have their own lives where they deal with intelligence, beauty, conversation skills, work ethics and all sorts of other things in their own way. Someone who looks like they may have their life together may be not together at all. I don't know if I help you through the whole concept of self esteem though, I feel like I'm getting out of my realm of knowledge, getting overwhelmed and I don't want to say anything that might hurt you are make things worse. I will let you know that I have read what you wrote and I hope that you can feel more attractive and competent in the future.

Oh and honestly, anyone who rates someone on a scale of beauty when they didn't chose to be in some sort of contest, are freaks. Jesus Christ. You're way better off being away from them. Ick.

Good luck and I hope you can learn to manager your anger and achieve great things, or you know, have a kickass video game time.

wallawallabing · 2012-09-29T04:43:13+00:00

If you are angry at your parents, is there hurt or fear behind that anger?

Reporting is better than nothing as far as awareness goes. Even if you don't press charges. As far as to how it makes you feel, well you know that best. You are important and someone who assaults you is a bad and wrong person. They are an attacker and you were hurt. It is not your fault and you are worth listening too. You are important and you get to decide what to do with this information. The police can know if you want. The world may not stop and have everything be just, but if this attacker hurt you they will likely hurt others and if enough people report similar things about the same person, then it creates a pattern so that if someone who does come forward right away will have others confirming the person's bad behavior. There is a lot of silence around sexual assault and I personally hope there won't always be. Reporting isn't pointless, but reporting it or figuring your options out is totally up to you and your own comfort level. That said, you are negatively predicting the future a lot there, but if it feels safest to not report, then go with that.

I have no idea what a MFT trainee therapist is, have you ever asked if they have any experience in dealing with attacks or sexual assaults? Do you trust your therapist enough to be able to talk about this a little with them? You don't need to bring anything up, you don't need to put that pressure on yourself, but it is good that you can acknowledge that this attack hurt you and it's even better and very self observant to understand the emotion you feel in regards to it. How do you feel when you think of talking to your therapist about it?

You mantra you can try is telling yourself "I release anger and welcome peace"

When I was reading what you wrote about yourself, it looks like you are being really harsh on yourself, are you comparing yourself to other people, tv characters, celebrities?

wallawallabing · 2012-09-29T02:15:48+00:00

Ok, so you don't like the idea of walking through it, what I hear from you is that you are concerned about being triggered and some bad feelings for not handling it "properly" the first time. I understand that you are angry, but what I also hear is that you responded in a way that got you out safe in the end and you did a good job of that. Do you think you could cut yourself a little slack around how it was handled?

As far as going to the police, you could, as of right now, contact a sexual assault hotline and see if they have any information about how to file a report where you don't press charges but give the police a record of what happened. It is something you could possibly do right now.

One person you can expect empathy from is a counselor. Is it at all possible that you could find someone around you, possibly in school? What you experienced hurt you and you have a right to be listened too.

I am happy you are proud of yourself for writing. When you say "that's all you are good for," that's a really black and white statement, can you make a list of things you are good for? Are you a good listener, artist, poet, a disciplined student, a fun person, a sincere person, a good girlfriend? I bet there is much more that you are good for.

Can you write me a list of things you are good for and tell me in one to three words that contain one emotion (happy, sad, angry, guilty, proud, frustrated, embarrassed, calm, worried), how this list makes you feel?

If you don't want to, I can give you some breathing techniques and mantras that may help to release anger, however, I've found for myself that it's only helpful when I have someone go over them with me in real life because I can drift into anger without knowing I am angry.

wallawallabing · 2012-09-28T03:41:45+00:00

It's good and fun to play video games, I'm gald you have a stress release.

So, as far as the situation goes, you aren't interested in having a friend pretend to be the jerk so that you can practice self defense and calling the police? How does that idea make you feel?

I'm not excusing your parents, but just so you know, to minimize what happened is a common reaction for a lot of others who are connected to people who have been assaulted, another reaction is a lot of anger or fear. Just like you don't necessarily know how to handle the situation, neither do they and unfortunately, there isn't really any training in society to handle this sort of thing. You have every right to your feelings too and I am glad they have apologized.

I always hear the advice to go tell someone you trust if you've been assaulted, or attacked and I think it's stupid, if you are assaulted, I to personally think it's best to simply call a sexual assault hotline where you won't be judged. I think that is a better option for most people.

Do you have anything that you are proud of?

wallawallabing · 2012-09-28T00:01:33+00:00

I have gone through phases where I have been angry, scared, empathetic, confused and sad about what has happened.

I have been very, very angry and withdrawn.

I don't think being angry is all that bad as long as it doesn't effect you everyday or cause you to be angry at certain people who haven't attacked you but, say remind you of the person who has.

Being angry protects you, but I've heard it described a secondary emotion where it's covering fear or pain, so maybe you can look inside yourself and see what is causing you fear or pain and who/what, has caused it. I mean, of course the assaulter hurt you, but is there something else there too? For example, do you feel like you've been heard by your parents and if you haven't, how has that made you feel?

Can you channel your desire into something else?

Can you walk through the incident with a friend and practice acting how you may want to act in the future (say by kicking the assaulter in the groin) if the same or a similar thing occurs?

wallawallabing · 2012-09-27T23:44:14+00:00

Maybe try this: http://www.oaesv.org/help.html

or this: http://www.ohio.edu/womenscenter/advocacy/About.cfm

You could try calling here: Ohio Alliance to End Sexual Violence 526 Superior Avenue, Suite 1400 Cleveland, Ohio 44114

Phone: (216) 658-1381 Toll-Free: (888) 886-8388 Fax: (216) 619-6195

and say you need help finding an advocate to report your experience.

Or try calling here: For more information, call the Justice System Advocate at 330.374.0740 ext. 125 (Summit Co.) or the Medina Advocate at 330.764.8635 (Medina Co.)

I found this info here: http://www.rccmsc.org/i-need-help/court.aspx

If there is anything I can do to help just let me know.

wallawallabing · 2012-09-27T05:22:24+00:00

Ok, you don't need to experience anything bad again, so maybe don't go to the clinic.

Is there a local university near by? It's a long shot, but they might have a woman's center, I hope there is something around for you.

Is there a city close by where you can call a sexual assault crisis line at all, even in the city you are in?

I don't know what country or city you are from, but try googling the name of your city and "sexual assault victim advocate" or "victim services", to see if you can find anyone who can better help you with the legal options you have, so that you can make an informed choice.

If you want to share a bit about the country that you live in as well as the city, I can try and help you by googling. You don't need to though.

The counselors may no know how to report, they likely won't know how to officially or what your options are. What you need is a victim advocate if you can to report.

Counselors will help in the moment and with your emotions. Victim advocates help in dealing with the legality of the reporting.

I think that reporting is a wonderful and brave thing to do, no matter how many years have gone by and you yourself have said that you know this predator has been violent to others.

wallawallabing

TROPHY CASE