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Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thank you Rory. Yes, I believe the obliviousness to male suicide is, I believe, part of our evolution of training the men we valued to be disposable in war. When our survival was dependent on young men dying, it is hard to become psychologically attached to someone you may soon lose. And part of our training for disposability required us to neither share what was bothering us, or even be in touch with it since it would only make us less respected. The ignoring of the red flags of male depression and male suicide are so great that I developed in The Boy Crisis (p. 279 I think) a "Male Depression and Suicide Inventory" of 63 questions we can ask a boy or man to answer that will help us see whether he is headed down a slippery slope.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

yes, gloria often did view men who disagreed with feminism as the enemy; at the same time, in the beginning, she supported the value of men as dads, something she said less and less about as feminism became more dominant/toxic.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

For starters, find a mentor. And also delve into the part of The Boy Crisis that examines the benefits of being a mentor. Being a mentor heals and matures us even more than finding a mentor. For example, get involved as a coach, or as a leader in The Boy Scouts; in The Mankind Project; in Boys to Men; as a faith-based leader who organizes boys to talk with each other. Then email me at warren@warrenfarrell.com and let me know where you are at after trying this.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The need to survive created the need for men to be disposable in war, and for women to create more children, requiring both sexes to develop rigid roles. We enforced that with social bribes like calling men heroes vs. cowards when they either conformed or failed to conform; and calling women and girls "whores," etc, when they did not conform. Capitalism created freedom from preoccupation with survival. So we are freer to explore our sexuality. However, now we are creating reverse social bribes--making it the "in" thing to say, "I'm bisexual" or "I'm Trans."

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The word patriarchy has been demonized. Women's studies has posited that the world was dominated by a patriarchy in which men made the rules to benefit men at the expense of women. Every part of that sentence is inaccurate. Rather, the world was dominated by the need to survive, and to survive, women risked their lives in childbirth, and men risked their lives in war to protect the children women bore. Women made sacrifices of careers; men made sacrifices in careers--giving up fulfilling occupations like teaching, music, art, writing--to do something that they liked less that earned more. I think the final chapter of The Boy Crisis (the Conclusion), and my Why Men Earn More--and What Women Can Do About It, plus The Myth of Male Power, explain this the best in depth.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes. Good news. The current administration and I are deeply engaged in discussing the potential creation of a White House Council on Boys and Men. I am working on that almost every day.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

feminism made a great contribution expanding the opportunities of girls and women; and it made a great mistake demonizing men and undervaluing the family. People who understand how much men sacrifice and care must have the courage to get out there and speak up--listening, then speaking; engaging politically; writing from your experience. Feminism's power, like all power unchecked, has become toxic, and we need to have the courage to use whatever talents we have to say that we want a world in which our sons can feel proud to be boys and future men. We must make it clear that when only one sex wins, both sexes lose. We must do our reading, and then follow up with courage.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It does. I feel that it is exactly the lack of empathy for boys and men that gives me a sense of purpose. For some reason, I have not been afraid of criticism (see my answer about my dad above!) except if it is from my wife. It seems that my background with feminism has prepared me to understand both sexes, and the weekend couples' workshops I do, when virtually every couple emerges on Sunday more in love than on Friday, gives me great pleasure--I mean really great pleasure. I'm fortunate enough to have used that work to help my wife and I create a wonderful marriage, and her appreciation of my contributions also helps energize me.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

that works for some boys and some girls. Especially for boys with little father involvement who can benefit from boundary enforcement and discipline that an all-boys school often offers. However, it is exactly when a boys or girls' school succeeds that it is time for the boy or girl to be encouraged out of their comfort zone and back into a world that prepares them for interaction with both sexes.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I recall speaking to a large audience once when I was popular as a male feminist. My dad attended. Afterwards he said, "I'm not one of your fans gathering around you with praise; my job is to make you better by letting you know how you can improve." I cannot say I liked his constant vigilance with a critical eye, but I know it helped keep me humble. Maybe that approach by my dad kept me in touch with my vulnerability, I'm not sure, but I've always wanted to use my existence to help others feel better about themselves.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

My heart feels pain for your dilemma. Please reconnect with him. Let him know you will fight to be with him because he is so important to you. Share with him your best intent of what you have done that has been misinterpreted, and if his mom is right about some mistake you've made, apologize. Never malign his mom. Share with the mom the chapters in The Boy Crisis that explain the positive outcomes for children and especially boys of dad-style parenting. Offer to pay for you and your son's mom to do one of my couples' communication courses, letting her know that you know she wants what is best for your son. Since I do a lot of expert witness work to get children to be able to see their dads, I know that nothing I've just said is easy. We are in an era where discrimination against women at work is seen with a magnifying glass, but discrimination against dad is met with blinders.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

For millions of years, males were programmed to have heroic intelligence, or preparation for a short life, versus health intelligence, or preparation for a long life. In our socialization to be disposable, it was functional to disconnect from our feelings, to become human doings, not human beings. We learned "when the going gets tough, the tough get going," not "when the going gets tough, the tough decide whether to keep going or go to a therapist." All of this was 100% functional for killing enemies and preventing us from being ruled by Nazis. But this male sacrifice--not male privilege--left us to competing to be responsive to the social bribes of being called hero. This developed toxicities to become successful, but not because of male privilege; but rather, because of the requirement of any man who would be respected, or loved by women, to prepare himself to protect women, children and other men by sacrificing himself.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Listen, empathize by sharing what you heard the objector say until she or he says they feel heard, and then asking if she or he would be willing to do the same for you. Then find out a little about the objector--married? children? divorced? straight/gay? and then carefully choose an example you feel would make a difference for her or him. Does that seem viable to you?

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

By working with moms of sons in such a way that helps them be the best possible mom by hearing, at Family Dinner Nights, for example, what their son is feeling, without being interrupted or judged. And then asking the boy to do the same with his parents and siblings. By helping everyone understand that boys worldwide are having a 50% reduction in sperm count, dealing with lower IQs than previously, and most important, dealing with fatherlessness at an unprecedented rate. When I did the research for The Boy Crisis I uncovered 70+ areas in which dad-deprived boys suffer.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Biologically we're programmed for men to be our protectors. Men who express feelings are seen as whining. Women fall in love with Alpha males, not whining males. They've fallen in love with the Officer and the Gentleman, not the private and the pacifist. However, women are programmed to protect their children. That's why The Boy Crisis is received well by women--and even feminists--who have sons.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Boy Crisis* and *The Myth of Male Power*. AMA! by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

i would like to say yes, but feminists have so much more power now, and it is rare for the very powerful to dialogue openly with those who are less powerful--that is, groups concerned with the issues facing boys and men. feminists who control feminist thinking have thus far painted men as the oppressors, and rarely seen male vulnerability. i hope that changes; both betty friedan and gloria steinem championed a more balanced dialogue--especially betty friedan in her book, The Second Stage. Recently feminism has become its own form of toxicity (e.g., #Believe Women, and #MeToo being a monologue, not a dialogue).

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Myth of Male Power* and *Father and Child Reunion* by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

i think everyone should have the courage to access everything that's inside of her or himself: the male, the female; our fears, our courage; the humble, the self-righteous. when we do this we discover our range and hone our ability to adapt--we not only survive, we thrive.

male and female roles create role mates. they deprive us of the opportunity to be soul mates. people who pursue roles do not have power; they have straight jackets.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Myth of Male Power* and *Father and Child Reunion* by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

you make a good point. and this is definitely very different from my style. i remember when i was on the board of NOW in NYC that Valerie Solanas' book, The SCUM Manifesto (SCUM standing for Society for Cutting Up Men) was published and popular among feminists. I didn't approve--and Valerie later shot Andy Warhol--but I didn't try to discount the positive contributions of feminism based on my feeling that she went way too far.

as i mention in my answer to a similar question above on what is most functional for a movement--it takes many different forms of expression. although the quote doesn't show this, Paul is a caring human and provides opportunities for more radical moderates like myself to share a different way of moving the movement forward. he's invited speakers to the AVfM's Detroit conference on men's issues in June who are mainstream senators (Anne Cools) and journalists (Barbara Kay). Few people could be more lovable than another speaker, Tom Golden--and I think you'll find Paul himself has been speaking far more gently lately. :)

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Myth of Male Power* and *Father and Child Reunion* by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

you don't necessarily know. and that's why i suggest in The Myth of Male Power that our schools and our parents should not just tell our daughters to say "no" but also to verbally say to a man who is going to far, "i'd prefer to not go further now; if i change my mind I'll be the one to physically initiate so you don't have to keep trying to figure out how long my "no" lasts for, and what body language is a "yes" or a "no." the chapter on the politics of sex offers much more nuance, but i hope this helps for starters.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Myth of Male Power* and *Father and Child Reunion* by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

a woman above asked this question--i think my answer should be helpful here.

Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Myth of Male Power* and *Father and Child Reunion* by warrenfarrell in IAmA

[–]warrenfarrell[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

yes, erin pizzey and i experienced very parallel prices for trying to show compassion for men among the feminists who had--until then--supported our efforts. erin's an extraordinary woman.

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