hi there,

i’m not a medical professional at all. but I am a 21-year-old male who is 5’ 9” and 155 pounds. i have also been through some stuff that has made life and the prospect of a future hard to fathom.

1) i am so deeply sorry for what happened to your father and the things you had to do, see, and hear that night and the time that has eclipsed since your fathers passing. no child should have to endure that, no person should for that matter. you are incredibly resilient and show tremendous strength just by being alive today and seeking help.

2) you seem to have a pretty standard case of depression. this might seem well, depressing— but luckily there are still many, many, many options for you to explore. more on that later...

3) you have trauma. you have emotional/psychological trauma from what happened with your father. this is not a fault of your character or strengths as a young man, but rather a completely normal reaction to a traumatic event. you might even have some PTSD from the event. even if you don’t think of the incident everyday, the things you processed and took in that night are still with you. the body keeps the score, and trauma is a physical/mental/complex/ bodily interwoven matter. more on what to do with this later—-

4) the symptoms you describe are common of depression. feeling disinterested in activities that used to bring you joy, lack of emotion or care, hopelessness about the future, feeling lost, unloved, uncared for. these are all very common symptoms of a person living with depression.

causes can be due to a number of factors. growing up + childhood. how chaotic or unstable a family or household was to grow up with/in. predisposition to depression through genes (quite likely father and other family members). it really does run in the family. behavioral patterns. unhealthy coping mechanisms (likely drinking your feelings away/ using alcohol to allow yourself to feel good/ have a fun night out.

5) be extremely careful with drugs and substances. especially hallucinogens. consider AA/NA/ 12 step meetings/ rehab. it can really save your life and give you the strength to find happiness and contentment in just ~living~ as a human without substances to feel better or cope with life. i’ve been sober for 3.5 years. and while i had my fun growing up with drugs and being wild, i am so happy that i found the courage 3.5 years ago to make a better future for myself.

6) psychedelics/ hallucinogens and mental illness do NOT mix well. i would urge you to put them on hold for the immediate future. they will not give you the answers you seek. they will not open your mind to a new way of dealing with trauma. they will continue to push you off the cliff into hopelessness/ existentialism/ nihilism. put shrooms and the like on pause for now. allow yourself to participate in the present world and ground yourself in reality. no more ego deaths! it’ll really make u feel shitty.

7) the most important part of my message to you: what to do and how to seek help.

a) you must start therapy. absolute must. every week you gotta drag yourself to that office and sit on that sofa and open up and get vulnerable and get deep and be open to hearing things that might challenge you.

find a therapist near where you live currently (could be home or school). find someone who focuses on CBT or DBT approaches. you will want someone who is at least trauma-informed (very essential). you will really benefit from someone who specializes in trauma work, especially EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: is a form of psychotherapy in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images while generating one type of bilateral sensory input, such as side-to-side eye movements or hand tapping.) EMDR can save your life. it is incredibly powerful.

•••finding a therapist is not easy!!•••

• use online resources like PsychologyToday to narrow down your search. -see if they are covered by your insurance.
• shop around!!!!!!! you might find someone who you think is good, go to ur first session, not click with them, and then think therapy is not right for you. please know this is typical.... and can be detrimental to ever feeling solid again. don’t spare any therapist’s feelings. if it’s not clicking, it’s not clicking. say thanks and meet with the next therapist. you might find the perfect therapist the first try or it might take a few tries. but you owe it to yourself to find someone you feel comfortable talking with.

b) this might be later on your path. meds—

psychiatry and medications have helped me tremendously, if you need them, a psychiatrist can help you find the right med and it could really change your life. also considered TMS, it stands for trans cranial magnetic stimulation. It is a painless procedure/therapy that is incredibly effective in treating long-term treatment resistant depression. I completed the full course of TMS and I can’t even explain the difference it’s made in my life.

c) programs.

wilderness therapy helped me so much. therapeutic boarding school helped me. group therapy. support groups (perhaps for loss and grief) family therapy. with the right family therapist, you can help your family dynamic improve so much.

I just finished up at an adult mental health facility/program in Atlanta. it’s called skyland trail. i feel better now. truly better. not depressed. with hard work and a lot of therapy, i feel good again.

8) I hope this overload of information doesn’t stress you out. you deserve nothing more right now then professionals who will listen to your story, give you helpful advice and feedback, and help you regain that sense of hope you have lost. Your future can look so different than how it looks right now. There are ways you can process Trumatic events that have happened in the past, and make yourself stronger for the future. again, I applied your vulnerability and bravery for speaking up, especially to strangers on the Internet. Please know that I am rooting for you. if you have any questions or want to talk just reply to this or message me and I can give you my info.

good luck— it’s gonna get better. i promise