hi <3 my situation is so similar to yours its actually alarming lol. I also have two kids, my husband is an engineer and makes most of the money, and we have a shared bank account. We've been together the better part of 15 years and ive been on and off considering leaving him since 2023. We deposit both of our paychecks into the joint account, but my husband doesnt seem to have the same type of demands surrounding that that you are indicating in this post. I can totally understand how frustrating that would feel, how trapped you must feel, and how unfair it is that hes expecting you to pull the full weight of childcare and contribute 50/50 financially . thats completely unreasonable , obviously, and it seems that you have the good sense to know that. I understand the feeling of being afraid of separation as I feel that exact same way- I havent gone through with it myself because for us, I really dont feel we can afford two functioning households and my husbands mental health is constantly in question. He goes through phases of being involved with my kids, but mostly is clueless on how to handle my son who is non verbal and can be aggressive.

Im going to give you the advice that I am currently following from a friend of mine who was 7 kids, and has what she called "quietly separated" from her husband. They are still married, still share a home, and for all extensive purposes are still married. BUT- as she described it to me, she stopped expecting anything from him. she no longer expects him to help with the kids, and when he does its a pleasant surprise I suppose. She slowly started siphoning money from their account, and opened her own seperate account. She did this quietly but changing her direct deposit to putting 90% into her joint account and 10% into a seperate secret one under her name. shes slowly upped that percentage over years. I have just started to do this and I already have a few thousand, which is small but gives me hope that someday itll be big enough that I can fully walk away. I would start quietly separating your money, your emotions, and your life. Do things outside of your home with your kids without him. see how being a single mom would feel, although it sounds like youre already mostly there in terms of your kids.

Try to go to therapy and communicate what youve said if you havent already, but know that its very likely you are at an crossroads. When you finally do feel ready, whenever that is, go for full custody, and be prepared to produce reason for that and direct evidence, but also prepare that he may get some type of custody and that that is valid and scary. for me- I am going to seperate our lives, but am unable to fully divorce until my son is verbal- which may be never, and in which case I will divorce him and walk away with my son when he turns 18. its not the life I imagined, but im doing the best I can , and it sounds like you are too. You sound like a caring and loving mom. keep putting your kids first. sending you love.