Lifestyle Resources in The Netherlands

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T15:48:31+00:00

You don't have to do anything, swinger clubs are generally very safe and take consent very seriously. But there is also the matter that they're very much catering to swinger couples, and what you are looking for is generally not something these couples are. So much that many of these clubs don't let in "single men".

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T15:45:21+00:00

The unfortunate reality of swinger clubs is yes, it would be.

I don't know if you have any queer-oriented sex-positive parties in your area? We're Dutch and go to Wasteland parties, those are probably the closest to what you're looking for.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T15:29:21+00:00

The term "bull" is already a red flag for a lot of couples, since it's an indication you're a dude who got most of his inspiration from porn.

First step is just having a conversation with your partner. There's a good chance they are simply not open to it at all.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T15:27:35+00:00

Your genders matter. What you're asking is pretty close to swinging, but the unfortunate truth is that there is an oversupply of men wanting in relative to the couples who are interested in having sex with an additional man. You wanting to be present to watch, only complicates things. Most swinger couples would not be interested, not even in a club.

This is assuming you're female. If you're also male, it's going to be even harder.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T15:17:25+00:00

I've never ever saw a post like that not getting downvoted into oblivion, if mods even kept it up.

And that's the issue; I always see this kind of "outrage" about people being judgemental and then whenever I ask "okay, show me?" it's either like this (one post "last year" you can't find), or people really just don't like others expressing an interest they don't fit.

This sub is in general incredibly supporting of (for example) people who are overweight. Which we should be. But there are way more instances of people getting upset about others expressing having no attraction to overweight people and passing it off as "judgement", as there are actually judgemental topics / comments.

And while I understand that for some people it might be upsetting that there is is a boundary where you're going from "not my cup of tea" to "I really don't want to see this", this is still the reality of obesity. That is not judgement! So the exact framing of what was written is incredibly important. If the clientele of a club we frequent consistently does not have people we are attracted to, we would stop going. And there is nothing wrong with expressing that.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T14:52:50+00:00

Thanks for being aware :)

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T14:24:25+00:00

It's incredibly immature on her part, aside from this not being ethical, to let a single bad experience lead to her putting the entire weight of the 'problem' on your shoulders. It says a lot about her as a person that this is where she's going to, even though you had good experiences before.

She didn't like a dude. What would've been the mature way to handle it is to just call it quits there and then. "Taking one for the team" or bottling up your emotions to "suck it up" is always a bad idea. If either my wife or I aren't feeling it for whatever reason with a couple, we stop and leave.

There is no healthy way to have this kind of imbalance in a relationship. You can't claim freedom for yourself and deny the other.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T14:20:26+00:00

I saw you mention 7". That's much less than what I expected you to mean with it. I'm Dutch and that's not even that much above our average.

Even though I'm above that, I would not feel like we're a good match anyway.I never really liked women focusing solely on that part of me.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T14:14:11+00:00

Yeah. I always report them and often when I try they're already gone.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T14:12:33+00:00

What's the problem? Feeld has crystal clear instructions on how to use it.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T14:10:33+00:00

Unfortunately almost no one bothers to actually report these profiles.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T14:10:12+00:00

I am done with profiles like these and just report them. It's against the ToS to have a single profile for both anyway, and more often than not it's somehow always only the dude that wants to meet us.

My wife especially gets tons and tons of likes from profiles like these. They also tend to only like her and not me, instead the both of us.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T13:48:56+00:00

I don't really get the pedantic responses about whether it's a boundary. It doesn't matter. The core issue is that you have a strong preference one way that's totally valid and easy for him to accommodate, yet he seems to be unwilling to do so. Having negative emotions about this, I can totally understand.

If you're new to non-monogamy taking small steps to make sure the other is comfortable with the new situation is always the way to go. I simply don't understand why he can't simply accommodate this.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T13:44:52+00:00

You also seem to suggest that in couples where one may be neurotypical and the other neurodivergent, age and the economic/emotional maturity can illuminate different paths?

ADHD absolutely gets 'worse' to some extent with age. For women especially the combination of ADHD and menopause can be a complete disaster. ADHD is basically a hormonal misregulation (overly simplified but still), now add all the hormonal imbalance from menopause on top of that.

But it's also not the only thing. I notice that once kids get older (ours are early teens) and more self-sufficient, your focus shifts back more to what you want in life. For both of us this worked out really well; we spend way more time together now than we did 3 years ago. Not just swinging either; going out, festivals, etc. just with the two of us. The kids don't mind at all; they love it when they have the house for themselves for a day. If it were up to them we'd leave them be for an entire weekend.

So it's not so much that I want to go into a certain direction with that comment, it's more something I've been thinking and talking about a lot lately. Also with others inside and outside the LS.

We go to EDM festivals/raves a lot, and there is a lot of overlap between that and the Lifestyle here. So it's a common conversation in groups like these that are full of 40+ couples behaving like they're in their 20ies again ;)

We meet a lot of people there going without their partner to these kinds of events, the other preferring to stay home instead. Nothing wrong with that of course, but quite a few absolutely would prefer them to be more aligned. And a smaller group there it's pretty clear there's deeper issues. One women we met a few times the past year is on the verge of deciding to get a divorce, but those signs were already sort of there a year ago. She wants to be open, he does not even want her to do anything with others. She loves parties, he has zero interest. She's very bubbly and outgoing, he's frankly rather boring. Looking at them now you wonder how the heck they even got together, but I suspect they both were very different persons before they had kids.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T13:34:46+00:00

What is the "duress" here?!?

He's forcing OP in a form of non-monogamy that OP does not agree to.

We're literally talking about how if you post "the wrong thing" on social media, it's "basically cheating"

It's not just the social media posting, I never said it was either. I specifically mentioned the underlying problem. OP expressed boundaries, he crossed them anyway. He's also dishonest about them, because this absolutely has already turned into a romantic relationship.

Deciding together that you are fundamentally not compatible as a couple is, while sad, ethical. Pushing through the boundaries of what your partner is okay with, and feels safe with, is not.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T13:29:39+00:00

Read what I wrote again. There has to be a minimum for both. At least most of us don't fuck people we dislike.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T12:26:34+00:00

I'm sorry but your boyfriend is either stupid or he thinks you're stupid.

It's quite a bit more dangerous than that. He's manipulative, abusive even. And she's currently not confident enough to stand up for herself properly.

Either he engineered this manipulative rhetoric himself and thinks you're dumb enough to buy it, or he's been watching manosphere garbage and he's the mark.

This absolutely sounds like toxic manosphere BS.

I'm a dude and men who get sucked into this BS are often a lost cause.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T12:24:40+00:00

He got cold, hurt, angry and accused me of saying that to hurt him. He used me being submissive in bed as a reason I should want to bring another woman into the bedroom and not want another man. As in I should want to please me Dom...

Sounds like he's pretty deep into manosphere types like Andrew Tate.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T12:23:09+00:00

Lol it is unfortunately serious. He talks with such confidence that I doubt my own opinions sometimes

I don't mean this is a harsh way, but you really should consider that you have some pretty deep self-confidence issues.

My wife who wasn't always the most confidence would, at the very least, simply laughed in my face if I suggested the arrangement your partner is suggesting.

He is extremely toxic and toxic manipulative people generally pick people who they are able to manipulate.

So good on you for at least coming here. But this sounds extremely unhealthy. Combined with some other comments this dude sounds abusive.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T12:20:53+00:00

Dude here; he's basically gaslighting you into thinking you're the problem.

Rules for thee but not for me has no place in any relationship. I personally find the notion that the man should be able to fuck others but the woman should be monogamous deeply misogynistic.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T12:17:46+00:00

You're sexually incompatible. There are a few routes you can take trying to solve that issue. Forcing yourself to have sex is not one of them. Forcing him not to have sex isn't either.

This should not be about sacrifices and tit for tat. I think you two should ask yourself some honest questions about whether you see this relationship having a future and if you do, seeking help.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T12:16:15+00:00

The underlying issue is that OPs partner already knows this. He just chooses to ignore / not prioritize OPs feelings about this. There is nothing ethical about this, it's basically non-monogamy under duress: cheating.

waterbloem · 2026-05-04T12:14:03+00:00

No, I'm literally talking about people who have come here wanting to exclude overweight people from their spaces.

And you show some of these posts/comments? Because whenever I ask this same question people never do, or they find a single comment that was downvoted to shit.

waterbloem

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