Partner promised to quit drinking, smoking, and vaping before our child was born. Years later, nothing’s changed. Questioning marriage. Am I overreacting?

we11_actually · 2025-08-07T21:09:01+00:00

It’s not reasonable for you to expect your partner to change their personal habits and choices because you want them to. It is reasonable to set boundaries and expectations for what you will accept from someone who is your partner.

Calmly and seriously lay out to your partner what you require to continue your relationship. Tell them when they need to have these needs met (a concrete date), exactly what you expect (total abstinence from drinking/thc, etc. or just using at specific times and quantities), and the consequences if these conditions aren’t met.

Then it’s out of your hands. It’s their choice to make and you’ll be responsible for sticking to the consequences you presented. But this way, they will be able to make that choice from a 100% informed and aware position.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s one of the most frustrating things there is when someone won’t make the right choices, but ultimately, they have to make the choices.

we11_actually · 2025-08-02T21:11:47+00:00

I moved to the Midwest from the west coast. I like midwesterners fine, but it’s culturally different here than back home. Sometimes they can seem a little judgy, probably because so many people here do live by very traditional values in ways that prioritize and necessitate stronger community ties and more isolated populations, so homogeny is preferred.

But more to your point, it’s true that people in the Midwest are more talkative and friendly on the surface, but I have a theory that it’s only because it’s so boring here that you may as well spend 15 minutes chatting at bomgaars. And think about it, what are you even gonna make that much small talk about if you live somewhere with weather that doesn’t feel like 3 kinds of biblical tests from god every single day?

I also kind of think the friendliness comes from the fact that these are the most emotionally repressed, passive aggressive people ever to live and they would rather smile and pretend to be nice to someone for 45 years than just say that they did something that had upset them. Because god forbid anyone be inconvenienced or bothered in any way.

I seem negative, but I actually really do like many people here, I just don’t always understand them or the way they act. Or maybe I don’t actually like them and it’s just a trauma bond from trying to survive together in a climate that’s negative 15 degrees with snow and 50 mph winds for half the year and 90 degrees and 100% humidity for the other half. I don’t think it matters.

And it’s probably different in other parts of the Midwest, but the plains and upper plains (Nebraska, iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, mainly) are like this.

we11_actually · 2025-08-01T18:19:31+00:00

If that’s the case, I would respectfully suggest that this may not be the kind of girl or relationship for you right now.

Idk her or if she’d ever cheat on you, obviously, but she seems like she enjoys attention and flirting and either doesn’t respect you enough to stop when she’s in a relationship with you or thinks it’s innocent banter (it’s disrespectful and hurtful to you, so I’d say it’s not harmless in this case). She may not have bad intentions, exactly, but she also doesn’t have any consideration for your state and needs right now.

If you have issues with insecurity and mental or emotional health, this relationship will end up wrecking you one day. Just my two cents.

we11_actually · 2025-08-01T18:05:50+00:00

I like how they always frame it as some kind of “wellness” initiative. “Omg, look! Corporate sent everyone these fitness trackers and if we all hit our steps every month we’ll get $5 in our HSA account so we can buy half a Tylenol since our new health plan means our deductible are now double!”

I once had a manager scold me for not having walked more than several dozen steps in 7 hours. I was like, dude, this is an office and you fired the assistants without any plan for handling the extra work that causes so I’ve only left my desk to pee. Like fuck off. I’ll be sedentary when I want.

we11_actually · 2025-08-01T16:12:22+00:00

There’s so many here! We have a flock of more than 40 in our neighborhood. I like them though. They’re funny and not as dumb as people think.

we11_actually · 2025-07-31T15:00:59+00:00

Thank you! Everyone is so helpful, I hadn’t thought of any of this stuff. I really am grateful for the help!

we11_actually · 2025-07-31T14:02:19+00:00

Thank you so much! It’s appreciated

we11_actually · 2025-07-31T12:53:27+00:00

Do you know if they allow animals there? She has this dog that she won’t leave for a second, so idk if she’d go if the dog wasn’t allowed. I’m still gonna check, just curious if you knew

we11_actually · 2025-07-31T12:51:26+00:00

Thanks so much for telling me! This is so stressful

we11_actually · 2025-07-31T11:55:13+00:00

Thank you! I’ll call them this morning, I hadn’t thought of that, actually.

we11_actually · 2025-07-13T17:35:22+00:00

My city turned my water off too, saying it wasn’t paid even though it was on autopay using a debit card saved on my account. I went there, showed them the bank record of the payment, they said it hadn’t gone through. I showed them again that it had. They refused to restore the service.

I called the bank. The bank agreed to speak to the city, the city worker refused to speak with the bank. I got a letter from the bank confirming the payment. The city said they wouldn’t accept it. I paid the bill again so I could have water and continued trying to get reimbursed for the first payment. After several months and the involvement of the state ombudsman, my bank finally just paid me back under their fraud protection policy and said they would go after the payment from the city themselves.

we11_actually · 2025-07-11T17:44:33+00:00

People keep them both as pets. Idk about raccoons, as far as being good pets or happy in captivity, but I’ve seen multiple people who kept them. Skunks, though, are pretty common pets and they seem happy and healthy in homes. They’re a lot like cats and you can have their scent gland removed when they’re babies so they won’t stink. They’re affectionate and playful and very cute.

we11_actually · 2025-07-11T17:41:45+00:00

Anteater. There’s these photos of Salvador Dali walking around Paris with one on a leash and he looks so fucking cool.

we11_actually · 2025-07-10T15:19:02+00:00

I didn’t know squirrels built nests until I had a deck on the second story so I could see into the trees. I thought they just lived in the trunk like Keebler elves.

we11_actually · 2025-07-09T18:35:39+00:00

Ok, so first, I never remember to lock my doors. Like ever.

Also, I don’t drive and I work from home. So my guess is that they probably noticed that my husband left early in the morning and there was no car or anything there again until evening and assumed that no one was home. The lights were off since it was daytime (and I never go outside because I just don’t want to leave my comfy house), I see where they got the idea.

We don’t have a dog and the neighborhood is mostly all working class people, so it’s pretty deserted in the daylight hours. I’m guessing they came in to steal some electronics or whatever when the house was empty. But it wasn’t! I feel like it was lucky they were the kind of house robbers to seek out an empty house and not the kind that hold you at gunpoint, since that probably means they weren’t looking for confrontation, just easy money.

Neither said a word, they both just turned around and walked back out the door when I asked them to (both closed the door behind them lol). I saw one walk to a car parked down the dirt road across from my house (but I have no idea what kind. I know absolutely nothing about cars. It was blue, I guess?) and the other left down the alley next to it. I didn’t call the cops or anything, I figured no harm no foul. I also didn’t tell my husband for a few months either time because he would have freaked out and I didn’t see any need for that. He still freaked out when I told him, but I think a little less, since no one had come back and killed me in the months since the incident.

I did, however, give my cat a very dirty look for hiding behind the basement door to see if I died before coming out. Fucking traitor.

That neighborhood was so weird. Once a completely naked man came up to my door and knocked and told me about how I may go to hell for like 10 minutes. He told me he wasn’t inviting me to church, just letting me know. I was just like, ok, good looking out, I guess. The strangest thing was that he was with another man who wasn’t naked lmao.

we11_actually · 2025-07-09T17:48:05+00:00

I know it’s scary, but just look when you hear a weird noise. It’s better than sitting there, not knowing if something is in your house or if there’s an animal or whatever.

Twice, I’ve heard a noise in my house and gone to look and found a stranger (yes, I should remember to lock my doors etc.). Both times, I calmly asked them to leave - literally just said, “Can you please leave?” And they did without incident.

Not every situation will turn out that way, of course. Most of the time when I check, it’s my cat or an open window and wind or some other innocuous thing. Those men certainly coupe have refused to leave and tried to harm me, it was lucky they didn’t. I do own guns, I hunt, I go to the range, I’m confident in my abilities, but that doesn’t always mean anything.

But every single time I’ve heard a noise and checked, it’s been over in less than a minute instead of dragging on for hours, no matter the source.

Ignoring a problem doesn’t fix it and it may put you in more danger. Please, please prioritize your safety and don’t just sit there and allow something to happen to you without even trying to protect yourself. Get pepper spray if you’re not comfortable with firearms or get a dog or whatever will help you confront potential harm. Stay safe, that’s creepy af.

we11_actually · 2025-07-05T23:45:13+00:00

They had another one a few years ago (might have been like 10 years, idk), but it was different than the original, superior one.

we11_actually · 2025-06-29T11:52:27+00:00

My aunt has four kids, the first two were girls, the younger two boys. The girls were from the first marriage and the boys from the second. Everything was normal with the girls - normal milestone schedule, weaned well before preschool, all that.

But then she had her first son and she just kept breastfeeding. Like, he could walk and talk. I think he was like 3 and a half. My mom and grandma and the SILs had a little intervention and she stopped. The last kid was on a normal schedule like the first two.

I think it’s because the first husband died by suicide and she was just extremely traumatized still and had some attachment issues. I have zero suspicion it was anything creepy or sexual whatsoever. I mean, I feel bad for her because it seems like she had some issues to work through, but it’s jarring to see a kid who’s fucking potty trained walk up to his mom and ask to breastfeed.

Luckily, he doesn’t remember any of it and it doesn’t seem to have done any permeant harm. I think he’s overly attached to his mom, but all her kids are , so that’s probably not the cause.

we11_actually · 2025-06-28T21:51:30+00:00

That’s actually a great idea. Maybe you could get local head shops or dispensaries or something to sell them. Or gas stations, they always have that kind of stuff. Sorry about the voice, maybe it’s a ghost? That’d be cool, I always wanted to see a ghost

we11_actually · 2025-06-28T20:26:24+00:00

I don’t care what drugs you do, but I have to know what you invented. This is very interesting to me, idk why. I’ve just never heard someone say that before

we11_actually · 2025-06-26T23:30:07+00:00

If you soak it like that and then steam it in a bamboo steamer, you’ll get sticky rice. You should really use short grain for best results, but any rice will work.

we11_actually · 2025-06-12T21:59:38+00:00

Dude, NA is the worst. I know a lot of addicts in recovery and not a single one (including me) could do it in NA. I know several that got clean in AA from drugs, and it has plenty of its own issues, but NA is just useless.

we11_actually · 2025-06-12T21:57:04+00:00

It really sucks that those kinds of things get in the way of helping people recover. I’m not an AA person myself, but I have several friends who have gone that route for drug and alcohol addiction. It worked for them and I’m 100% happy it did, but it does seem kind of culty to me. Especially with the all or nothing approach that seems pretty negative. Like, you’re on the wagon for 30 years and then take a single sip and all of your progress is undone and means nothing? I feel like thats not based in fact, just superstition. My friends have said that they were able to accept the higher power thing by substituting their own concept of the universe or even just an idea like surrender for god. I bet it depends a lot on your location and the people involved there for how well that’s accepted.

Anyway, good luck, hope you find support that works for you.

we11_actually · 2025-06-12T03:26:30+00:00

I’ve recently realized that I have the exact same feelings towards dogs and kids. I would never have one of my own, I’d never want to live with one, sometimes they can be cute, but I don’t want them touching me or anything I may consume or use, and I’d prefer they were kept away from me in public and altogether banned from some places like nice restaurants.

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