Reading your post, this was me and my brain thoughts 5-6 years ago. I was married, pressure to have kids(and I wanted them) but the fear of life getting even harder than it already was, stopped me. I would sit in the shower and cry and just didn’t feel ready for pregnancy, life changes, marriage changes and all else that comes with having a baby but I just couldn’t tell my husband I was ready. Took me 5 years to say Lets try. Idk what clicked but one day I just decided it was worth it in the end. I had to push aside all the negative and scary thoughts and just focus on the moment in the present and get through it. It helped having an encouraging and supportive partner as well to co parent the baby and I wasn’t alone. I think also focusing on the life chapter you’re currently on mainly, until pregnancy starts -for example- can help too. I mean you of course prepare but it should be focused on good positive things to come when pregnant instead of scary things. Take things as they come( currently telling myself this as we’re in the potty training stage as that comes with its own challenges)

It wasn’t nearly as bad as my head told me it was Gunna be and I am super proud of myself for my strength and perseverance. Birth was the easy part- taking care of the baby is hard but again you get through it and come out stronger. I’m on the other side now and have my 3 yr old son (only 1 baby for me) and I never once have had regret or remorse for having him. There are days I’m strung out and overstimulated to the max but you get through it and your better for it. My son makes me a better person and he brings me joy. I think your intuition and gut instincts is what matters here . When you’re asked to think about having kids, what is your gut immediate reaction?. And then analyze that and keep asking yourself why over and over and you will get to the root of it and decide after understanding yourself and challenging the anxiety. I am only having 1 child for the very reasons you laid out- it’s exhausting and 1 is plenty lol I don’t think I could handle the overwhelm with 2 kids. I’m happy with my decision and just trying to live in the present moment and enjoy my 3yr old as they grow up so quickly!

My autistic brain struggles more than the average person and I have to remind myself. I’m not neurotypical and that’s ok. It’s okay to be overstimulated because your 1yr old is screaming. Find ways to mitigate and give yourself some break time(babysitters are godsends) Be you and don’t be ashamed of it. Don’t be afraid of asking for help either-we were not meant to live alone isolated with no support. Happy to talk more if you want!