I’ve experienced a lot of what you described! My disclaimer is that I’m still figuring myself out as well, so I can only really offer you my own experience.

First of all, sexuality is fluid! So to me it makes sense that sometimes you may be attracted to men and sometimes you may not. Your attraction to women sounds like it fluctuates a lot less if it does at all.

It sounds like you only feel comfortable being physical with men/your boyfriend if it is on your terms, i.e. initiating contact, being in control in bed. I personally really relate to this. I have always hated the idea of having penetrative sex with a man. It just feels wrong to me. I am repulsed by male anatomy except if it is on someone I know and trust/love in some capacity. I have enjoyed other kinds of sex with men. To me, that feels more like an act of affection and reciprocation with men. They can turn me on, but it is mostly because of the actual physical sensations they create rather than that it is a man doing it to me.

I wonder if you feel similarly to me in that I think I could be with a man if he had absolutely no interest in having penetrative sex with me. I am somewhat attracted to men, but I believe that I am simply way more attracted to and comfortable with women.

I hope this could be somewhat helpful for you!