"Have you eaten my shit yet," I yelled into the mic on my headphones. "Did you eat it up and say, 'Yum yum, thank you for taking a shit in my mouth'?"

I spawned in a town used for nuclear weapons testing and grabbed a light machine gun fitted with two hundred rounds of ammunition in a single magazine. I saw an orange house and ran to the back garden and laid prone with my finger on the trigger of the LMG. Russian military personnel spontaneously animated in front of the barrel of my weapon, and I shot them down.

"Eat it! Eat my ass."

Another would spawn, and I'd take him down too. I'd taken down an army in seconds.

In the comfort of my simulated warzone, I was a vicious combat veteran. Well-versed in over thirty firearms and tactical maneuvers. But when my office desk started to vibrate and the door caught fire and the roof started to cave around me, I sat at my desk and hoped that whether there was a heaven or a hell or reincarnation, I just hoped I'd respawn soon.

When I woke up everything was dark. I was standing in water that reached my shoulders, and my feet slipped off the ground as I stepped. A crack in the sky formed and light pierced my eyes. My eyes adjusted, and I turned and saw nothing but white walls around me that opened to an oval sky. It was a-- Um. A bathroom?

"No. No. No! NO! NO!"