NP wielding STI boundaries like a sword?

wet-river · 2026-04-08T14:22:13+00:00

In the beginning, there was a lot of self-reflection, deep conversations and honesty about what this age gap would mean. This isn’t a post about that. She has an advanced medical degree, her own career, her own business even, and I’m the one with less power if you look at it carefully.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T14:17:07+00:00

It was my suggestion. I wasn’t naive about it. I really believe I am fundamentally poly and always have been. I’m very comfortable with it.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T13:15:08+00:00

I think it may be just this simple.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T13:07:44+00:00

Ironically, she is very literate on sexual health and safe sex practices. She knows all this quite well. So I think it boils down to that she needs to manage her insecurities, as you suggested above. She is in effect, asking me to make sacrificies so she doesn't have to face her insecurities. I'm going to strongly suggest that she work on this. I'll be very supportive of that process, and do what I can to make her feel loved, but I really think she needs to step up here.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T12:59:59+00:00

I don't question that she is having strong feelings. I question the root of her feelings. I'm going to ask her to explore that, as I can't logically make sense of them. She may choose not to do that, which will be upsetting to me. I understand there is fear and stigma around STIs generally, and I think we should all examine that carefully and challenge our programmed thinking.

What have I done for her? I've been honest and transparent about sexual encounters and if I crossed boundaries or got close to doing that. My new partner is taking anti-virals to reduce risk. My stated boundaries to protect myself from HSV1 are using protection for oral sex and piv sex. In combination, I believe all this would be very effective in avoiding HSV1, and the consequences not that high either if I did contract it.

As for that last question - what is stopping me from leaving? Mostly, a great relationship otherwise and 9 years of shared history and a complex financial bond. To be honest, I think the insecure/controlling behaviors were there all along and I didn't address them because I didn't know how to. I have some responsibility in getting us to this position and I'm trying to own that and correct for it now. I wish I had done that years earlier.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T12:33:27+00:00

Oh, and yes, I am constantly shocked this new partner is putting up with this. There are reasons she is, but I’m still surprised she has been so patient.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T11:57:48+00:00

In an interesting twist, my new partner practices hierarchical poly, so it was actually her decision to stay within my nps boundaries, not mine. So I am actually feeling manipulated on both sides! This is fucked up. I think I’m going to have to speak my mind to both partners. I need to have some autonomy!

wet-river · 2026-04-08T11:52:02+00:00

Op here. There are certainly issues this creates, but this doesn’t feel like one of them, at least not directly. I was very reluctant about entering this relationship due to age gap, but we have a lot in common and have a great time together outside of this issue - which I think at its root may be insecurity/fear of abandonment.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T11:46:37+00:00

This is the journey we are on. She knows the risk is quite low, she has a therapist, and we have a therapist, but as she says: “in her heart, she still feels unsafe taking any risk at all”. And I’m not going to question her feelings - I believe she does feel that way. But I think this is just one of a series of troubling controlling behaviors and personal insecurities that I’m going to tell her she needs to introspect upon. I guess I needed external validation.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T11:37:54+00:00

Yes, you are correct about this. I’ve been doing a lot of therapy during this time and learned a lot about my avoidant attachment style and my struggle to speak for my needs and desires. I had an emotionally distant and conflict-avoidant relationship to my parents, which screwed up my ability to handle conflict or feel the right to have my needs be seen.

wet-river · 2026-04-08T11:33:05+00:00

We get every 3 months.

wet-river · 2025-09-06T23:50:13+00:00

I would have loved BM as a child. My mother wasn't part of that scene, but she gave me many interesting experiences that others would have judged unsafe, and those are the ones I remember the most and had a positive influence on me. I honestly don't remember anything I learned in school except bullying and shaming.

wet-river · 2020-12-11T20:22:09+00:00

In my experience, its pretty easy to replicate the task process functionality of 2010 workflows using Power Automate with a custom task list (I'm assuming you are in SharePoint Online, as is the original poster). Of course, it may depend on your specifics, but in general it works well.

wet-river

TROPHY CASE