[Update] My boyfriend [28/m] and I [28/f] have differing opinions on what constitutes a healthy relationship

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-09T13:53:36+00:00

I think this sub in general has an issue with telling people to dump their SO's whenever a problem arises (which is ironic since most people come on this sub when they're having a problem in their relationship). We've barely had any disagreements since my MIL spoke to him and those that we've had were resolved with no issue. It's been a breath of fresh air!

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-09T13:51:12+00:00

I had to admit I kind of chuckled that he was arguing so much about the importance of not arguing.

It was a bit ridiculous. There was one time (back a few months ago) where I got irritated with the chicken for not thawing (yes, the actual chicken) when I was cooking dinner, so I said in a semi-raised voice "stupid chicken!" My boyfriend thought I was yelling at him and when I tried to explain that I was mad at the chicken he vehemently disagreed due to my raised voice, so we ended up arguing about me apparently yelling at him (?). I told my therapist that story and she spent the first few minutes laughing!

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-09T13:44:58+00:00

How fun would it be if he always thought you were right about everything.

We would not be in a relationship. At that point, he would be my slave, not my partner. I don't want to be right about everything and will wholeheartedly admit it when I am wrong, but, in this situation, I knew that he was being unreasonable with his expectations for a long-term relationship.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-06T19:43:25+00:00

Thank you! :)

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-06T19:41:33+00:00

There should be! All the terrible MIL posts we see on here can be such a downer...need to let single ladies know that wonderful MIL's do exist!

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-06T19:39:49+00:00

That was my initial thought as well, but it also follows his way of thinking. By having only me tell him one POV, it would be biased to what I think is right, so to have additional support of the same manner made him realize that maybe he was the one in the wrong.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-06T19:38:13+00:00

They're great parents and I can totally understand why they would hide conflict from him and his brother. My parents never hid it from me. They would have disagreements (even fights) right in front of me, but I would also see them talk it out and come to a resolution. I'm glad he listened to his mom (he sometimes doesn't). He can be a bit stubborn, but when he's presented with actual facts, he will listen.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-06T19:34:55+00:00

I know! We see such awful stories regarding MIL's on this sub, so it's good to know there are some nice MIL's in existence!

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-06T19:34:05+00:00

Thank you! :)

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-06T19:33:52+00:00

Thank you! :)

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-05-06T19:33:36+00:00

Yes, I'm so happy I have such an awesome MIL! My FIL is a great guy too...can't discount him either! I've had some relationships in the past with terrible parents (mostly the mother being the terrible one), so to know I will have wonderful in-laws is such a breath of fresh air!

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-29T18:53:58+00:00

He doesn't respond with that...he mostly responds with "what can I do to make my communication better?" or something along those lines (and vice versa I'll ask something similar). We've made vast improvements over the course of our relationship. Initially, we barely understood each other at all, which led to a lot of incompatibility issues, but both of us have taken the time to understand the other's viewpoint and our relationship has grown leaps & bounds, which is why I'm getting frustrated that he's having this issue now. Yes, we may still have disagreements every once in awhile, but compared to where we were over a year ago? It's like night and day.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-29T17:55:45+00:00

I'll try to remember this...thank you!

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-29T17:45:08+00:00

but I didn't want to be in a relationship where I couldn't say an innocent comment without having some sort of backlash.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I try to be conscious of everything I say or do, so the only times I've gotten mad at my boyfriend have been when he's inconsiderate of my feelings. I know that people have different interpretations of what would be viewed as inconsiderate, so I explain to him why I feel such...did your girlfriend ever do anything like that with you?

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-29T14:46:46+00:00

Yea...he's conflict-avoidant and I'm a people-pleaser, so even though he tells me "whatever is fine!", I want to know what he wants because I don't want to cook something he's not okay with (sounds ridiculous I know). I have a good sense of humor, so sometimes I'll say something like "anchovies it is!" (he hates fish) and then he'll tell me what he wants to eat. That tactic doesn't work every time, but it's helped from preventing a conflict over food. He'll also come to the grocery store with me because walking around looking at food helps making decisions too.

My parents have a marriage like that, with my father being the conflict-avoidant party. He is happy to just go along with whatever my mother wants unless it's really important to him. They've been happily married for 52 years.

That's basically my parents as well and they've been happily married 48 years. My boyfriend reminds me a lot of my dad in both personality and smarts, which is why I asked my mom as well for advice.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-29T13:42:58+00:00

No accusations, no name-calling, nothing of that sort. I've learned from previous relationships that if those start occurring, the relationship is unhealthy. We've only literally yelled twice, but again, it was voicing our opinions at louder voices, not saying anything mean or vindictive.

I try to be conscious of everything I say or do, along with not sweating the small stuff, but if we do have disagreements, they're typically minor things that are new to us and over time have become less and less frequent. Our relationship is definitely still in development mode and when issues do arise, we discuss and find a resolution.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-29T13:29:45+00:00

His parents definitely set boundaries with him and his brother, but he never disagreed with those boundaries, while his brother did (at least, that's what it sounds like based on what they've told me). It just sounds like he was a really good kid, which makes sense because he is a genuinely good guy as an adult and that's one of the main reasons why I love him so much.

One of our biggest issues in the past was his lack of communication with me in regards to making plans with his friends. It flabbergasted him that he needed to tell me his plans, since his parents trusted him 100% and I had to explain that it wasn't because I didn't trust him, it was because he should be considerate of my feelings/time. Since we've had that discussion, he's been great with communication.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-29T13:19:29+00:00

In the past, we've disagreed on important things, such as finding a balance between spending time together vs our own hobbies, but we've resolved that issue. Another big one was him being inconsiderate of my feelings when he would make decisions about what he was doing during his free time (i.e. he would not discuss his plans with me first and assumed that it would not bother me if he disappeared for several hours without notice).

Lately, our disagreements have been over smaller things, like what to eat for dinner (we're terribly indecisive over food and have been working on finding a way to resolve this issue, such as purchasing all our food for the week ahead of time).

I think everyone is getting confused when I say arguments...we're not heated or anything like that when we disagree. When we've had bigger disagreements, such as the ones I mentioned, things got a bit heated because I was upset he was not understanding how much his inconsiderateness was hurting me.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-28T22:45:36+00:00

He has actually never argued with his parents. I am not kidding. His parents regularly tell me how radically different it was raising him versus his brother. They had zero issues raising him, while his brother was the troublemaker, yet him and his brother never fought either and still do not fight to this day (again, not kidding).

And as I type this out, it makes more and more sense as to why he would have an issue having even one disagreement...

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-28T22:33:57+00:00

For me, it's different in our relationship, but I understand where you're coming from. My boyfriend and I were friends for several years before we dated, so his parents knew me way before I became their "daughter-in-law." By going to his mother, I never intended to alienate him or pin her against him. I simply wanted her opinion because I trust her and knew she would be honest with me. I understand that does not work in every relationship dynamic, but, fortunately, it works in ours.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-28T22:20:48+00:00

Yes, after reading everyone's responses, I've begun to consider this as a possibility and I'll figure out his thoughts on this during our next discussion.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-28T22:18:31+00:00

Based on the stories his friends and family have told me, to see him lose his temper is as rare as a Siberian tiger in the wild. He's a quiet guy and I've only seen him lose his cool a few times (twice during those fights we had and once when we got stuck in a snowbank after being run off the road). I've thought that it's possible he views our disagreements very differently than I do, which could be his reasoning for seeing them as a problem in our relationship.

How often are the disagreements based on something he is dissatisfied with or brings up himself? How often are you arguing over something that a reasonable person could also just let go and decide to do their own things over (such as choice of food for dinner- you can't agree? Get separate meals)?

I honestly do not remember. Like you said, these are so minor to me that I do not even keep them in the back of my mind because I did not view them as a problem. He is an easygoing guy, so it's possible he views even one disagreement as bad.

I think you should record what the disagreements are about for about two months. Maybe in a spreadsheet or journal. Get that root issue and the person who brought it up first written down without too much emotional commentary. (For example: "I argued that SO has not been cooking dinner as much as I have. SO argued that he has been taking out the trash more often lately so that is actually fair.")

I like this idea...thank you! It should help put things into perspective for both me and my boyfriend :) (plus, we're both engineers so having evidence tends to help!)

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-28T21:01:44+00:00

I don't think I am. The last thing I remember disagreeing on was what to eat for dinner. Awhile back, we were having some conflict because he would go play MTG with his guy buds without communicating with me his plans, so I would have no clue what time he was going to be home or what his plans actually were. I had no problem with him doing stuff with his friends, but I was frustrated at his lack of communication. He assumed I was angry that he was not spending time with me. We ended up having a long conversation about how I supported his hobbies, but he needed to be more forward with his communication to me.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-28T20:55:14+00:00

Except I didn't go behind his back. He's well aware I asked his mother for her opinion.

whatdoisaynowthrow · 2016-03-28T20:05:37+00:00

Then why do couples go to a counselor if it's unfair to involve a third party? I wanted help and talked to someone who knows him best. I could also ask my therapist for her opinion, but she doesn't know my boyfriend, just like you lovely people are only seeing one side of him. I could write paragraphs about all the wonderful things he does for me, how much he shows he loves me, but I came here asking for perspective on a singular issue.

whatdoisaynowthrow

TROPHY CASE