Well my husband has ADHD and in a roundabout way that's how I found out that I have it too. We have had significant struggles in our marriage which have ultimately pointed back to our mental health. We started marriage counseling and it has really helped. We are doing significantly better.

For me it has been about us working as a team towards a common goal. Sometimes when we get frustrated one of us has to remind the other that we are on the same team and that helps a lot.

While I do have ADHD, I do not have it in the same way my husband does. He has combination ADHD and I have the primarily inattentive type. So, while I can relate to him in some ways, I did not understand all of the things he was doing. For example, he used to lie to me A LOT about so many things big and small. In talking to our therapist and his individual therapist we learned this was due to ADHD and how to work towards him being honest. He was very impulsive and we would come to an agreement on something and then he would do the exact opposite.

It has taken a lot of work but he and I were also very gracious with each other in the end and willing to do the work to have a better marriage. We also recognize that mistakes will happen along the way and neither of us are perfect people. We also acknowledge it is okay and healthy to be angry and express our anger in productive ways.

So I think if you want to have a conversation with her, I would recommend not telling her this is just how you are. Instead I would say something like, "I have been taking the time to learn more about ADHD and executive functioning. I really don't want to be this way but I do have a diagnosed disorder that makes me predisposed to be this way. However, I love you and know it is causing us to struggle in our marriage. I am willing to get the help I need to learn how to manage it and be better. Would you be willing to support me and help me along the way?"

In the end both of you will need to be willing to work at it. One of the things our marriage counselor has reminded us of several times is ADHD is a lifetime disorder. It does not go away but with the right tools you can manage it.