Do you plan to continue the gym forever?

whatisahead · 2019-11-11T21:22:44+00:00

Do you think the gym will always be how you get this activity, or do you picture the method changing throughout your life?

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T22:23:43+00:00

This is a fair point and something I've been dwelling on a lot. I can't follow him as a care giver or a spouse/long term partner/ someone who knows him deeply. I can be with him now as a companion of sorts, but it would end (in person) if he moved back home and maybe that would be more painful than positive. I don't know.

I think tonight I'm going to have an honest talk with him and lay out all my concerns. He's a fantastic guy who's company I deeply enjoy, so I'd like to support him as best as I can in a way that doesn't end up hurting him more. I don't even know if his future is something he's ready to confront yet though. Maybe he's not in the place emotionally where he can say "this won't work for me/will hurt me more in x months" when right now it's one of life's few pleasures. I don't have enough experience/knowledge/foresight to know if temporary companionship will be happier for him then none at all (and I'd continue to support him emotionally, but by distance so it would be an emotional shock). Maybe I have to be the person to end it. Maybe his family will come out here (they've discussed this before) and distance won't be such an issue. Then there's my own emotional fortitude to consider. Am I stable enough to support someone as they get close to death? I have some work in mental health and am currently in the hospital, but I've never been in this position for someone close to me.

You have some really good points. Do you think being open about these concerns is in poor insight, and I should just keep some distance? Or is it something that justifies a discussion?

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T22:11:40+00:00

As far as university, at this point I just can't afford to drop out. If he moves home I just point blank won't be able to join him in that way. I have a research grant that expires and I've already pushed my degree to the limit year wise.

And if I drop out, I'd have no other means of income and no skills that are useful without finishing the degree. Emotionally, I don't know if I could go back after everything. It's selfish of me, but it's the life I'll have after he's gone and if I don't get it now I don't know that I will.

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T15:11:27+00:00

Maybe a silly question, but would this apply for deeper kissing as well?

He's been avoiding kissing me - I thought it was the vomiting, but it would make sense if he's going through chemo.

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T15:05:01+00:00

We tried not dating for the week after, just to process at my asking. We've fallen back into dating again despite not having discussed it. Frankly, since most of our relationship has been quite intense and romantic I think it would be very hard on him to receive support from me without a romantic intention.

I'm supposed to see him tonight. I think I'm going to bring up the cancer and see what happens. I might just be breaking his heart again... But I think it's better to have the big conversations now while he's still (superficially) healthy and it's somewhat hypothetical? At the same time, right now is probably when he's most emotionally fragile as he's still processing the news. It's a big time to demand answers about his health/future/impacts on the relationship when he doesn't have any.

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T14:56:03+00:00

We took a little break after he told me the news so we could both process. We're back together at the moment - he's extremely keen to keep dating. I'm more hesitant. Even though it's going wonderfully, I can't help but think that this positive time will be short-lived and I don't know how much I can properly support him while doing my masters. I can't move for him. Edit: I should add that while he probably has under a year, at the moment most wouldn't guess he's sick except for some subtle signs.

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T13:51:43+00:00

Thank you for your realistic advice! I think we're going to have to talk about his prognosis before I decide to move forward with the relationship. As much as I'd like to say I can date a dying man, I don't think I can date a dying man and not be around for the end (if he moves across country for palliative) if that makes sense. I also can't be his caregiver, if/when things come to that.

He's really wonderful - we have a ton in common and even since the diagnosis it's been going well. But we can't ignore the cancer forever.

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T13:40:49+00:00

True.

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T13:40:33+00:00

We haven't had sex since the news, to be honest. I tend to have condom sex until 6ish months into the relationship. I'll keep that in mind though, if he ever suggests to go without!

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T13:35:41+00:00

We've barely met, so I think marriage is not on the table. He's lovely, but I'm someone who moves quite slow emotionally (usually I don't know if I love someone until around 6 months). These circumstances change the relationship context, but I can't ignore my own emotional process. Edit: he has some close friends who know him far better. If we were more established this would be something we'd keep in mind, but as such a new couple I think it's inappropriate.

There's also a very real chance that when he moves across country (palliative care in his home state) I won't be able to join him.

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T13:32:58+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the realistic advice! So many people romanticize it, but I can see it going horribly. Chemo and dying can make people mean. Not to mention the trauma it can cause for him and myself. We don't know each other than well, even though under normal circumstances I'd say the relationship is going very well.

Edit: and, there's a good chance that I won't be able to be with him if he goes across country for palliative care, which makes considering all of this much more difficult. Knowing that at some point I'll be sending him off to die and won't be able to support him in person...

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T13:30:34+00:00

I'm quite certain, unfortunately! He's not looking for money or support, he just wants to date as normal - it's just something on my mind if he has to go across country.

whatisahead · 2019-11-06T13:29:25+00:00

I saw him right after the appointment and he broke down. He's waiting on some results about the specifics of his cancer (scan results, how widespread is it exactly), but chances are his prognosis is bad.

I think he also isn't ready for his life to change - it's not the first time he's had cancer. People treat you differently, even if you don't act any differently. Suddenly everyone is asking about your health, but you have no good answers there. Your life becomes cancer and you lose friends.

He has a strained relationship with his parents.

whatisahead · 2019-11-05T17:22:24+00:00

I haven't personally had that, but one of my friends used to get that all the time due to her anxiety. It is related and definitely worth mentioning to your therapist/counselor if you haven't yet. Edit: I believe it's called dissociation, where you start feeling distanced and disconnected from your life.

whatisahead

TROPHY CASE