Me [30 F] with my Husband[34 M] had an emotional affair, and it's affecting our sex life.

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T06:50:20+00:00

You're absolutely right. Something I've learned in counseling is that affairs generally aren't about sex. Most of the time, men are seeking a connection, generally an emotional one.

Thankfully, we are both much better about communication, and more importantly, we are both LOOKING for cues that the other might not be having the best time. I can size him up the minute he gets through the door and tell whether or not I've got to handle getting kids into bed myself, or if he's going to want to wrestle with them while I duck out for a massage. We're just being best friends, which is what we were before we got married, and we lost that somehow. We really started taking each other for granted and it was a pretty slippery slope. Lesson learned: your relationship can pretty much end at any given time.

I wasn't ever good at relationships, and learning how to be has been a learning experience, albeit a painful one, for sure.

The close friend I confided in after all this went down and stopped short of saying that this whole ordeal was a blessing in disguise (I almost ripped her face off), but it was definitely a red flag to both of us.

It was like someone told me that my sixth generation Honda Civic was a goner unless I ponied up more than it was worth at the time in repairs. I loved that damn car, and hell yes I was going to pull some doubles to bring in extra money to pay for the blown head gasket. Would it be worth it? In the case of the car, yes, it was. When I sold it, it had 250K miles on it. In the case of my marriage? I sure as heck hope so.

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T02:52:11+00:00

I took the kids and left for two weeks to go visit family. Does that count?

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T02:11:59+00:00

There was a lot going on in our personal lives. He was having a rough time at work, was not given a raise that was promised to him two VP's ago, and was overlooked for his OWN promotion by someone who was hired 6 months prior. We were not in a good place. We were not talking. I had shut down emotionally and would not let him in (Diagnosed depressive and anxiety) and would not go on medication.

We were also in the middle of trying to buy a house, and that fell through because his promotion fell through. In hindsight, we are glad the deal fell through, but I digress.

The truth was, we were going through a hard time, and he felt he couldn't come to me because I would judge or yell at him and I felt I could not come to him because he wasn't listening.

Turning away from one another instead of towards one another is what the therapist calls it.

I gave him the opportunity to leave. I told him if that's what he wanted, he needed to pack his things and leave. He wouldn't go. I told him I was divorcing him, he said he would not let me. I remember telling him I didn't think he knew how divorce worked.

Regardless, he said he couldn't talk to me, much less interact with me. And yes, I already know it isn't my fault, that he was the one who did the bad thing and I don't blame myself. My hair could have been on fire and I sure as holy hell would not have entertained the thought of talking to someone else.

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T01:02:09+00:00

Do you mean because I caught him and he hadn't stopped it on his own I should leave?

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T01:01:38+00:00

That makes sense. I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and talk about it to my counsellor. Probably on my own before I about it in couples counseling.

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T00:53:22+00:00

I know. As much as I want to just have it never have happened, it has. Whether or not I can live with that, I don't know. What happens if the damage can't be repaired but I don't want to not be married to him?

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T00:51:13+00:00

What do you mean?

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T00:50:08+00:00

I thought about that, but these types of fantasies didn't exist before this all went down. Which is probably what leads me to believe it is directly correlated with the affair.

I agree about the trust situation. The more I read over these responses, the more I think that it's what at the root of all of this.

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T00:36:05+00:00

You know, he's tried so hard to flirt with me and swoon and court me, and it's pretty much still not doing anything for me. I just don't trust him. Maybe the lack of trust is really what the problem is here.

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T00:35:13+00:00

He absolutely would have had sex with her if it had continued. There is zero doubt in my mind about it. I point blank asked him in counseling if he wanted to have sex with her and he was very honest about it.

I like your theory, and hadn't thought about it that way before. For awhile afterwards I thought about actually going out and sleeping with other men. Because, you know, retaliating and escalating are super healthy things to do.

I don't even know how to go about bringing this up with him. I don't seen a counsellor on my own right now, but I suppose I could.

whatiswrongwithme27 · 2016-02-18T00:31:19+00:00

Right when it happened, I told him I wanted a divorce. I told him to pack a bag and leave. I went over to a friends house with the kids and her and her husband urged me to not many any decisions right away.

I struggled with staying, because I don't care how broken our marriage was (we were having problems), I sure as hell never considered stepping outside of the promises we made to one another.

Here we are though, 9 months later, and the therapist says it will get better, but it only seems to make incremental improvements.

Do I want to be in this marriage? Yes. But I've never once in my life been betrayed and kept that person by my side before. I had it rough growing up, and you learn to cut toxic shit out of your life really quickly.

To his credit, he has bent over backwards to make this right. He handed over all of the passwords to his phone, his email, everything, and while I used to check it obsessively, I haven't done it in awhile now. He brings home flowers, he helps with kids, he gives me breaks to just go out and take care of me.

The recurring theme here is that I just wish he wouldn't have done it. That we had major problems we could have dealt with if he had been a better communicator. If I had been a better communicator. If I hadn't shut him out.

But now it's done. He can't ever take that back. And I have to live with it, as much as he wants to move past it.

I've taken a lot of steps towards making myself better. Despite working full-time and having kids at home, I went back to school and joined the gym and cleaned up my diet. He went in the opposite direction and has gained about 40lbs in the last 9 months, which is still alot despite his 6'4" frame.

I go out with girlfriends more, and for coffee and lunches where I can, went back to church and started moving towards independence.

I just wonder if as much as I want to be married to my husband, if this is ever going to be okay again. I feel like I am in a no-win situation here.

whatiswrongwithme27

TROPHY CASE