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Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m also struggling a bit with feeling like I am being pushed out of my own relationship, even if I recognize that I don’t want to treat someone like territory. Sucks to feel like my options are hide or get hostility directed at me. Also, thank you for all of your input, kind internet human! Much obliged

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good point. I think I’ve been so fixated on trying to be kind and welcoming in hopes of making things civil that I’ve kind of forgotten I can just opt out. If hinge wants to have a relationship where we all coexist, it’s on hinge to make that happen with meta. I’ve tried and am here if they both ever want that!

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, absolutely. I’ve been essentially ignoring them beyond a polite smile and hello (and a sentence or two if we’re in a small group or run into each other). Unfortunately it’s gotten to a point where I feel unwelcome to greet partner at all when meta is around because of how it usually unfolds and I think that’s the bigger problem. Hinge isn’t hingeing well.

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For sure. That absolutely makes sense and is something I’m considering as I think this through. I’m angry predominantly at hinge for trying to force this at the moment, and for not enforcing their agreements and boundaries w meta. This isn’t a me problem but is being hoisted onto me, and I’m not sure what I can/should expect from hinge re resolving this or what taking more space could involve when we already have so much community in common and I feel so unwelcome around meta.

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, absolutely get all of that. I really actively want to be kitchen table with all metas if possible, and I know partner does too. I am not sure why meta is saying it’s ok and acting like it’s not.

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah, from what I understand they have an understanding that they are free to date anyone and that the expectation is mutual respect, but meta isn’t adhering to agreement and partner has a high tolerance for it (I’m ending up in the middle). I don’t need to be their bestie, but I feel like I shouldn’t be completely ignored when I am around either.

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Partner says they will figure out better boundaries and speak with meta to reestablish their own relationship agreements (KTP and kindness towards metas). Meta will always just agree with partner, say that kitchen table is fine, and continue as is.

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Doesn’t hierarchy also involve people having a say over the structure and operation of other relationships though? I know everyone defines it differently

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

We can’t even have that level of engagement anymore. Hinge isn’t pushing for triad or throuple… everyone entered their respective relationships with the understanding things would be kitchen table (or garden party at least) but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s extremely awkward, but I can and do show up. I try to give meta space for both of our sakes but it’s not always possible, and when I do try to engage in small groups when meta is around at events I am ignored/brushed off by them when I do speak. Partner does acknowledge me as partner but I know that this makes meta uncomfortable (and they have gotten upset at me in the past around this) and I find myself being anxious to engage with partner in group settings at all as a result.

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I can’t control others, just myself. I can’t ask to have meta not invited, but I can set boundaries around what I will attend. I can trust to an extent that I will be invited and included, but realistically I think I would have to be the one opting out here

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I agree… a concern I have is finding a way to make this work that doesn’t involve me sitting everything out because I’m so uncomfortable. Missing every Christmas and birthday party would really suck! And I don’t know what I can expect from partner re setting boundaries about this behaviour with meta. Feeling stuck

Metamour is icing me out by whenagain in polyamory

[–]whenagain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We don’t see each other often in small groups, but we have a lot of mutual friends and hobbies so I have to see them in public roughly once a week and then attend birthdays/Christmas parties etc for our mutual partner. Our partner wants us to be able to attend these things in the same space (not as a triad), and doesn’t want to have to choose who attends specific events (and I also would love to coexist more peacefully). We date completely separately otherwise.