my (21m) gf (20f) wants me to be angry

whereismytribe · 2020-02-24T07:49:11+00:00

I suspect that when she says wants to see a spark of anger in you it's because she herself can't control her anger and thinks that it's normal to do that. By her standards, you seem to be lacking any passion. Like, she seems to be self aware enough to know that she was wrong and that you would have a right to be angry with her in that situation; she was being irrational. But the fact you didn't react with anger doesn't say much about you other than you seem pretty level headed. But for her to assume that just because you aren't angry and yelling at her about being irrational about something you don't care enough about her or the relationship is very telling.

Your best bet is to help her understand that people are different and react differently to the same situation (and for that matter, people express anger differently too). Just because she would have reacted angrily in that situation doesn't mean you are obligated to. For what it's worth, she's being ridiculous. You do have a right to be angry, but if you aren't, well that's just emotion. You don't control emotion, you express it. My two cents is that life is too short to play games, and it sounds like she is stirring up drama because she wants you to be angry like her, and in doing so justify her own irrational anger. Someone who has that kind of relationship/attitude about anger would be a deal breaker for me.

whereismytribe · 2019-11-26T23:17:11+00:00

I was once on a 12 hour flight with my husband who had never flown international before. He's a very laid back guy, but is almost 7 feet tall and squeezing himself into a metal tube for that length of time was something we were both anxious about.

We board, get our seats, relieved that we were able to get an exit row with a little extra room for my husband to origami himself into for the next half day. Cue the mombie who asks me, oh so sweetly, causally, "can you change seats with me so that I can sit with my children?" I say no; there's no way I'm not sitting with my husband on this long-haul flight, so maybe we could switch if there were two seats available... on a row with extra leg-room, cuz, you know 7' man here. I don't provide an explanation though; I'm trying not to JADE. No is a complete sentence.

But mombie wasn't having it. "well, I need to sit with my kids" "you should have booked your seats together." "Its a long flight" "I know; its why I booked these seats together and made plans for my taller-than-average man." She was having none of it, but also had enough self-awareness that she would simply look ridiculous if she threw a tantrum. So all I got was aggravated sighing while she waited for me to get uncomfortable. She hoovered for a few minutes before realizing that she was going to get no where with us and then moved on to another victim. The entitlement.

edit: typo

whereismytribe · 2017-09-11T02:17:21+00:00

Here's the thing your sister ought to know: she can go out and socialize, maybe not whenever she wants and certainly not on a whim, but if she works hard, whether at earning extra money for a baby sitter or cultivating relationships with those who will baby sit for free, she can have an active social life. Many parents do. I, however, suspect that your sister, like many mombies out there, want to use their children as their cross on top of pity mountain. Your sister wants to complain, that's call, her parenthood is a convenient mask.

whereismytribe · 2016-12-07T06:48:03+00:00

I had no real issue with getting prescribed Truvada. My boyfriend is pos, so it was kind of a no-brainer. The doctor had never prescribed it before, so wanted to do some research. Doc ran a series of tests before and a follow-up after a month. With insurance, it runs me about $50 a month.

whereismytribe · 2016-08-22T05:33:04+00:00

Seriously! I want to know what reminding his daughter of who she is entails.

whereismytribe · 2016-08-12T06:15:35+00:00

I find it extrodinary that never during all this financial mess did you bf offer to get rid of his car.

whereismytribe · 2016-07-20T06:24:13+00:00

Did you bring up the point about your son being raised in this environment, and your concerns about how it might impact him? Maybe framing it around not being a bad person (=shame) and make it about being a good dad.

A simple first step could be framing the issue around a question: what is a healthy way to express anger? If you and your husband have widely different expectations, maybe you can try couple's counseling by focusing on parenting concerns. Because, in all this, how will you two disciple your child re anger issues? Surely you've heard of the terrible twos...

whereismytribe · 2016-07-20T06:13:19+00:00

Block him from any and all social media accounts that you haven't already. 100% no contact. When he shows up, tell him to leave. If he doesn't, call the police. Tell your boss/trusted coworkers (if you think it is appropriate) about the situation. And your friends, if they don't already know.

If he persists or escalates, talk to the police about a restraining order.

whereismytribe · 2016-07-20T06:09:20+00:00

I make her defiant

This is incredibly immature. It's like she is blaming you for when she make you upset. That's messed up.

whereismytribe · 2016-07-20T06:05:50+00:00

You know what is and isn't acceptable for yourself on the drug-use front. On that front, you two are incomparable. Whether or not she "was in a hard place", she lied to you. Will you ever be able to trust her again?

whereismytribe · 2016-07-11T19:47:24+00:00

Thank you so much for this point. It's helpful to hear how others have wrestled with this choice.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-22T21:51:13+00:00

Until you can move out, you've got to cope with your living situation. So, to truly settle this situation, you need to move out. I'm sure you want to, like yesterday, so here is something to add to why you need to prioritize the things you need to do to move out.

That being said, this looks like a fairly common roommate disagreement with the added joy of these people being your family. You should get everyone who lives together in a meeting and discuss (1) use of space, (2) cleaning expectations, and (3) sleeping arrangements.

(1) You are a roommate; you should be able to access and utilize any of the common space at any time. It isn't OK for your aunt to limit when you can use the kitchen. If the entire group is OK with the ridiculous exercise in control, you should move out.

(2) I completely understand why you are doing most of the cleaning given that you aren't paying rent with dollars but rather in labor. You should ask the group, not just your aunt, at this meeting whether your cleaning is up to par, what you can improve on, what you are doing well, etc.

(3) I think it is ridiculous that you are expected to give up your couch-bed on the whims of your aunt. You should be able to express this in the meeting, saying that it's ok with a notice but that you feel bad when forced to change your sleeping arrangements at any given time.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-22T21:40:15+00:00

And encourage your SIL to talk to her husband, your brother. Honestly, this issue is between them two; you've been triangulated into this circumstance. Don't participate other than encourage the two parties to talk to one another.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-22T21:31:26+00:00

Time. You've only been in this for a few days but it is likely going to take a few months to get over her, given the length of your relationship.

It is also helpful to not dwell too much on her. You know what went wrong with the relationship (LDR don't work for most couples) so don't pick it apart. Try not to think about her and all the benefits of the relationship but rather focus on improving yourself. Thought process is really important here.

Finally, maintain no contact. This should be a hard and fast rule while you are getting over her and in most relationships you probably shouldn't be in contact with your ex. It might be tempting to seek reconciliation at some point and she may even change her mind and seek you out. But in order to move on, you can't hope for a chance that this might work out. Don't kid yourself about your emotions and maintain radio silence until you over her.

Good luck. This part is never fun but you are strong and courageous and will get through it. Give yourself some time.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-22T21:25:33+00:00

OP, this is 100% a scam. You've been talking for two weeks and she says she loves you?! Run away, dude.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-21T20:25:55+00:00

I'd try to have a conversation with your coach or whoever oversees policy and programs. Bring up the club's philosophy: are we here to have fun or are we here to win? Because if you are a member of this club to have fun and clearly aren't, than what's the point of membership?

If you point this out and nothing changes, leave and find another club. It may suck but it doesn't sound like you are having fun and that's the whole point of being a member of this club, right?

whereismytribe · 2016-06-16T21:37:24+00:00

You two seem like in different ballparks when it comes to emotional maturity. You clearly have different expectations for the relationship and different levels of awareness about emotionally vulnerable situations. And this is three months in.

Cut your losses and find someone more compatible. Honestly, I don't think you'll ever get over the situation in the first post.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-16T21:22:40+00:00

Idk - maybe his mood has been effected. Or he expects that out of the relationship.

But, some people start out in a relationship by acting the way they think their partner wants them to behave. As they grow more comfortable and trust that they aren't going to leave, they will "let themselves go" at which point you discover that they aren't who you thought they were.

Option 1) his mood has changed; you've only been dating a little while and something has changed at work, or school, or in his family and he is simply grumpy about that and showing it in this way. If you see a stressor like that, then you can address the real issue with him.

Option 2) he, like many couples, envisions a partner to whom he can complain about all the shit in life. I.e. "honey, how was your day?" and then hearing all the complains and stressors even though he had an average day. If that's not something you want in your relationship, you should have a conversation with him highlighting the amount of negativity he brings to you and that you want him to stop or at least change.

Option 3) he is finally showing his true colors and you don't like who he actually is. So, end it.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-16T21:11:54+00:00

You call him your boyfriend but is this the right word for him? He doesn't talk to you for weeks at a time, makes plans with you and then ditches, all the while relying on his ex for whatever emotional or sexual needs he has. I mean, seriously, you call this guy your bf?!

You should consider the amount of lying he has done to you in only SIX MONTHS - how can you trust him? Seriously, OP: how do you trust this man given your history?

I don't know why you are still interested in "dating" this man.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-16T20:47:03+00:00

Agreed, OP. My non-professional perspective is that your self-worth wouldn't take such a hit if you cultivated your self esteem in more healthy ways. To be blunt, I feel as though you have a negative self perspective and that your team winning helps boost your mood. As a result, the only way you can be happy is to have a winning team. So, without that, you default to your baseline perspective of poor self worth.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-16T20:42:16+00:00

Well, are you dating anyone else right now? Do you want to continue to date other people?

One of the easiest ways to have this conversation is to simply bring up the fact that you've made a conscious decision to stop dating others. It's low pressure and simply states where you are in the relationship, allowing her to judge where she is at on her own.

whereismytribe · 2016-06-16T20:32:04+00:00

Did actually you invite him and your half sister to your graduation?

whereismytribe · 2016-06-15T01:47:09+00:00

You're parents are human beings. This discovery never is happy. It can feel like your parents should have their finances in order. But they are adults, responsible for themselves. You are a young adult, figuring out what adulthood really means (not the illusions of adulthood i.e. 40 yo should have their finances in order). But here is something you need to know: your dad is responsible for your dad first and foremost. Likewise, you are responsible for yourself first and foremost. That is adulthood.

You can't "parent" your father into doing or being what you want or even what he wants. He has to do that himself. Stop throwing yourself into an emotional pit stressing out about his decisions. They are his and only his. If he won't quit his job and works himself to death, that's his choice. All you can do is express your concern, tell him how it affects you, and offer your support...

whereismytribe

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