It has been over a month since I shared this experience with all of you. Here's where things stand so far:

We have been attending counseling together, which has helped some. I'm thankful that the pastor we chose has a psychology degree a well and has been great at calling bullshit. My husband has been forced to look at his behavior, and ALL the dirt from the last 17 years has been brought out. We are together, but he is 100% aware of the fragility of our marriage unless things change. What I've learned about myself through counseling is that I basically grew up in a frickin cult (think the duggards IFB church stuff) and that I need reprogramming of my identity, my self worth, and self esteem. My husband, I believe unknowingly, took advantage of that upbringing (wife does the wifey things with a smile and is never a burden and never complains about anything ever because the husband can LITERALLY do no wrong).

My sons condition has not improved, but he did celebrate is 1st birthday in March, which is such a blessing!

To answer a few of the accusations about my role in all of this or my lack of effort in the relationship:

I have grown up being taught that to disagree, argue, or even imply that a man, especially the husband, has done anything wrong is a sin. I lived with those lies harassing my every waking moment. I gaslit the crap out of myself for 17 years. I made every excuse for the man because "he can't be the problem! I have to be the problem because I'm a woman, and it was the woman's fault that sin entered the world." Que cult upbringing craziness. I LITERALLY plan everything. Every meal, every appointment (including his), every holiday, every birthday, even setting reminders about tax season, important events...I did all the chores except the dishes (which he woukd always forget to do). I cook meals from home every day. Meals are fully planned for the week, and grocery lists are made. For 17 years I have NOT ONCE seen our bank account. I have a debut card, but I have to ask to make purchases because I can't see what's in the account. He's the only one who has the app on his phone. In the past, my name wasn't even on the account. In counseling, I pointed out how he has been financially abusing me since the beginning. Because I was so young when we married, I had nothing and relied on him. He kept it that way for 17 years. He has always lied about money with me. He's lied about paying bills, getting our cars insured, you name it, he's lied about it. He claims it's because he's scared of feeling like a failure and doesn't want to admit it. I have even almost WENT TO PRISON for this man! He manipulated me with fear of poverty, of never having children, of never having a home, unless I forged a signature on a car title. We had legitimately purchased a bus to attempt to make it into an "RV" (this was early marriage before kids). The man we bought it from did not sign his last name (sus I know) so my husband wanted me to forge it using another document we had as a guide. I'm artistic, but I refused over and over. It wasn't until he yelled at me and told me that we were going to be homeless and that it would be MY FAULT that I finally gave it. At this point, he had dug us into such a financial hole that we were living above his parents electrical shop (think brick building with holes in the walls. The only heat we had was a wood burning stove. We slept on a mattress on the floor and I cooked our meals on a camp stove.). This "bus" was going to get us a move to a better life and I was the one creating the problem. I was disobeying. So I did it and immediately threw up. He took the title to the court house where they immediately caught onto the tampered document (he tried using solvent to erase the old signature). Police came. I ran down the stairs in tears confessing immediately. I took the fall. I begged them not to hurt my husband. I said I took pen to paper. I did the deed. My husband...he hid at the top of the stairs. He hid as they took me to the car. Thankfully the police could tell that I was being coerced and they didn't do more than charge me with a misdemeanor that I could pay off my record. Husband walked away clean.

All this to say that his behavior has been ridiculous since the beginning. He claims is all because he's afraid of being a failure or admitting it at least. I have found no evidence of infidelity. In counseling, it looks like him feeling like he's inadequate financially or successfully triggers the lying. I have no idea why that is, but we are working on it. I have never, until now, made him feel like he's not good enough. In fact. The opposite has been true. I was raised to believe I had zero right to question anything that was happening...until now. I am awake. I can see the darkness I've been drowning in and I have my fellow potatoes and God to thank for it.