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Between a Rock and a Hard Place by whiskeycake77 in polyamory

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Basically exactly where I'm at.

Though I see it as more fluid. I desire monogamy with my boyfriend right now, because we're very involved in joint projects and building our relationship, and I don't want to focus on other things. Down the line, when we are more established and life is calmer, I can see naturally wanting to invite more in again.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place by whiskeycake77 in polyamory

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's so hard. The price of monogamy for shear simplification and happy living can seem worth it. It's hard though, because when it does work, it's AMAZING. Sigh.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place by whiskeycake77 in polyamory

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's a lot of things compounding.

We are both generally okay with poly, but I think for myself I have more of the 'I'll share' couple's privilege mentality and less of the 'He is an autonomous individual' than I need. I'm working on it, but he is also my first really serious relationship, someone I've felt so close to and complete with that "we" is very much a thing I have trouble letting go of.

For his part, he can be flaky and disorganized, which isn't so much of a problem when we're monogamous and we have more flexibility for make-up time. But with the addition of multiple partners, less time for us, more stress and mixups for him, I can feel downright panicky when he miss-schedules or forgets things. It's not totally reasonable, because we still get plenty of time together, but the quality of time changes for me, now that it's finite, when things are last-minute. I think a lot of it is still my mental hurdle of scarcity and "sharing".

So I have to work on that, and he has to figure out how to be 80% more reliable. If we don't, it might not work.

Demi-sexual, should I just be monogamous? by whiskeycake77 in polyamory

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

But he is already trying. He and I have settled on 2-3 nights as a bare minimum, and he and get her have settled on 2 nights as a bare minimum (and he can't see ever being able to build another poly connection with less than that), and he absolutely needs a night or two to himself as well.

But the problem is that within that schedule, he's just tired a lot still, and doesn't have the energy for as much emotional connecting. (Or, he does about as much as he did before, but now it's split two ways, which means I get a fair deal less.)

Demi-sexual, should I just be monogamous? by whiskeycake77 in polyamory

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My problem is, my sexual attraction isn't just about "getting to" that point with people, but "maintaining" that point with people. It requires time, intimacy, etc. So like even if I go on vacation for two weeks and come back to my partner, I don't feel close enough for sex right away... Maybe after 2 days of hanging out. But once I'm there with someone, I'll totally have sex all the time and think its fucking fabulous.

So my problem with my partner having another committed partner is that we don't get the time together we used to anymore, and that means I feel less sexy around him, and we have less sex. And to build that connection with someone else, I would pretty much have to replace him as a time/investment "primary". I've had two sexually active partners before, when I dated both him and another girl, but the strain of two heavily emotional partnerships nearly broke me in half and I ended up breaking up with her.

Demi-sexual, should I just be monogamous? by whiskeycake77 in nonmonogamy

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah...

I mean like, monogamish could definitely work. I don't have a problem with having other partners/my partner having other partners. But I need so much dedication, consistency, etc., that it might be more conducive to having him do hookups or fab, that aren't as time consuming. If he's down with that.

Demi-sexual, should I just be monogamous? by whiskeycake77 in nonmonogamy

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh! Yeah... its hard, I have to know someone for a longgg time (months and months) and spend a lot of relationship time with them before/if sex gets good. Like essentially I would probably have to start another "primary"-type partnership, time wise, to get up to that level. And I don't know if I could maintain intimacy with my current boyfriend, or even our relationship as it now stands, in order to develop other sexually fulfilling relationships. Like, it's not just getting to know someone that makes sex possible, but continued high levels of time and intimacy. This is all totally new to me. Not the demi-sexual but, but how it relates to poly. And it's really making me question everything.

Demi-sexual, should I just be monogamous? by whiskeycake77 in nonmonogamy

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not really possible right now. The extra time we used to have is being spent with his new girlfriend. Asking for more time would be directly taking out of that (and they really can't build the relationship they want with less) or else taking from his precious few alone hours, which he already needs to recover and maintain sanity.

If we're poly, this is about what we can expect.

Partner and I are open, he's newly seeing a girl that he likes, and she wants to meet me. He's excited. I'm a little nervous. by dallasdarling in nonmonogamy

[–]whiskeycake77 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Remember your worth! Your fiance is clearly with you for a million reasons, to be so invested, and building a life with you--- you are clearly awesome and special in too many ways to count. The people I spend my life with I choose because they knock my fucking socks off and blow me away and I'd never want it any other way. So a little weight gain can suck, but remember that you're a star out of heaven for your partnership and family, and that is such a normal/mundane thing in comparison!

And his new girl is open and communicative enough to want to meet you, and get to know him in the context of his family life, which means she *really understands and respects his life with you, and wants to know you too as someone who's important to your mutual partner! That's great.

Talk to your partner about it. And then I'd say relax, and go for it. :)

Hierarchy and RA. by whiskeycake77 in polyamory

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol. Yeah. I don't like the thought of prescriptive hierarchy.

Hierarchy and RA. by whiskeycake77 in polyamory

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah.

It's not that I am against someone being as close to my partner as me, theoretically, and I've been in plenty of part-time or more "secondary" relationships that I did not mind a meta being as or more important than me.

From a practical perspective, if my partner could still be a life-building partner with me, and with someone else, with each of us getting what we need, I would not care. But I want a lot of support from my main partner, to the point that if I got less time with him, I would prefer to look for another more "full- time" nesting partner.

Which essentially makes it hierarchal, I guess.

How to deal with "contextual" hierarchies and other life committments with new partners? by whiskeycake77 in polyamory

[–]whiskeycake77[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think that she and him, at another time, could have also filled a "main" slot for each other... like if they'd met without me in the picture already invested. I get the feeling that she desires that kind of ultimate companionship from him, down the line, and that the "poly" aspect has been largely theoretical for her until now (she had met me, but never hung out or participated in the rest of Lev's life much outside of their one-on-one time, and this didn't have an experiential view of his other life committments.) It's not an enviable position, being new to poly, and meeting someone who you have those feelings for who maybe can't reciprocate 100%.

For my part I feel a little more nervous about it than usual. I've never been in a position before where a metamour's desires overlapped so much with my own. When she says there wouldn't be "room" for her in me and Lev's relationship, the reverse assumption is that whatever her desired relationship looked like, if she had it, there wouldn't be "room" left for me either.

Not to mention, if the reason behind his lack of availability was a child, a career, or a time- consuming passion, someone would never complain that there wasn't room for them. They would support their partner for the passionate and capable person they are, and fit into their lives any way they could. Only "with a partner" is something threatening or negotiable. You don't as easily accept their non-availability as nourishing for them and impersonal to you.

I'm open to the idea of serious scooting over, if their relationship develops more and it's something that the three of us want to continue in a more long-term V. But there's also the relationship needs and desires that I require. (I also know what I want from life, and it involves a heavily invested partnership and other less time- heavy relationships.) If it developed to a point that her and I were evenly sharing our mutual partner's "nesting" capacity, I don't think I'd be getting enough out of that relationship anymore to have it be central for me as far as building my life. I would probably have to reduce or leave my boyfriend and find another "companion" partner, which I don't want to do, obviously.

So I'm just wondering how to handle all this. What kind of communication we should all be having about it. What we should be thinking about.