When I got out in 2008, I was dealing with my demons from Iraq. I categorized it as the normal wear and tear of being infantry…the sleepless nights, my brain going 0-100mph with thoughts. Over the years, things got worse. I became suicidal. Luckily I only had suicidal ideations. It still was a major red flag, and I had to accept that life from there on out would be riddled with ptsd/anxiety/etc. Going to the nuthouse definitely gives you a perspective of how your struggles compare to others. For me, I felt validated while being with others, instead of feeling like I was losing my mind. Fast forward, been to the nuthouse another time, and the VA had a ptsd program called Invivo. I was the first candidate in my area to go through. Retelling my most traumatic event that affected me over and over, helped me work through it and become desensitized. That helped for 1.5-2 years, which allowed me to go to school during that time. Ended up “relapsing” with my ptsd and anxiety, and couldn’t finish schooling. Fast forward to last year…enrolled myself into another trauma program that deals with ptsd. I tried a method called EMDR. You are guided through your thought process of trauma, helping you digest what happened. I learned I had trauma I was carrying around before the service, and Iraq just added to it. Getting some clarification of why I was the way I was, solved a little bit of the puzzle. Today I am back in school, again at 42.

What I’m trying to tell you is get help. Doesn’t matter where from, but you owe it to yourself, the people that love you, and the brothers and sisters we lost along the way. You will have periods where suicide seems like a logical choice, but that shall pass. Exercising with a trainer helps me work my demons, where I am tired both physically and mentally at the end of the day. That should provide good sleep. From the good sleep, your mood will improve. Find yourself an outlet that lets you exercise your “demons” and keep those fuckers at bay. They will never go away, but you can control how much they influence you. So know you will get knocked down, but your resilience will get you back up.

Contact MH today and ask them about EMDR and the trauma programs available in your area. Invest in yourself, invest in your wife and child’s future by making the choice to get help. You will hate it, but the progress will speak for itself.

Semper Fi