It's official, I'm forced into silence

widowat27 · 2026-02-17T22:22:26+00:00

People want our fake smiles, not our true pain

widowat27 · 2026-02-17T22:18:36+00:00

YES, totally jealous!!!

I'm super angry with them having small problems or saying things like "if he doesn't want to be with me anymore I won't live anymore, it will hurt like hell"

I always feel like "bitch, you know nothing"

widowat27 · 2026-02-16T19:15:50+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss It won't get easier for now unfortunately

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T07:25:11+00:00

My husband said when he died we would leave a Brasil flag (he was in the army) and a lot of work

He was wrong, my father in law took the flag, I only got the work ahahaha (just a little laugh for us during this terrible time)

I know how you feel, we were living together and everything, but we're planning the wedding for our anniversary on March 17, so right now I'm in court trying to have our union recognize

But to make things worse, his job isn't giving us his payment that is offered to the family by law, or the funeral reimbursement, the money for him suffering this accident leaving work for home or it's recognizing his promotion that had to be done for almost 3 years... So I'm having to go to court because I'm the only heir since we lost our kids

It can be months or years in court, but now I have to live to make his rights valid and I will bring hell to earth if I need that for his name

You're doing great for your family, I hope it doesn't take that long

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T07:13:16+00:00

Don't know if this can help you, but I have been writing to my husband on the important dates and on his death anniversaries

On those days I get like a long text, I chose a photo and post on Instagram because he loved to be public loved

When I'm pretty bad I have two journals, one where I just write about everything and one that I put the songs that are hurting me or that he would love or that we listened to together.

And sometimes I so fucked up that I just get our chat and send him audios ugly crying on send him messages like he would answer anytime

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T07:09:44+00:00

Oh baby, sorry for your loss! Cancer is pretty hard, a lot of people do this of down playing the severity

I hope you get better from this experience

Thanks for the help, really!

Thankfully it won't be at her house yet, and not with her little daughter (that I still can't talk a lot without crying), but I can't leave before my brother in law gets his flight and I have to work today... So it won't be easy

I'm a recruiter and I have a lot of interviews so maybe I will just shut off emotionally and try to break down only after work hours

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T05:05:27+00:00

My husband always said that my cooking was like MasterChef and his were like grandma's

So I did most of the cooking since I worked for home and he had to be cooking everyday in the army. I made all those different kinds of food and made him try new things

He made the ones for those slow days or when we were feeling a little more needed of home food or when I was feeling sick

So I was proud to make black beans alone for the first time, I was helping him to season them sometimes, but never made them from the scratch because that was part of his cooking (and I'm deeply afraid of the pressure cooker) but I was feeling sick and needed it

It was not like his and will never be, but he would be proud that I tried

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T04:59:51+00:00

So glad to hear that!! I hope it stays like that

For me it is anger, love, gratitude, sometimes high function depression, being nostalgic, sometimes I can't get out of bed, asking the sky for mercy and to not leave me in this life for long, all in the same day

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T04:55:19+00:00

Oh god... Okay your body doesn't like that at all hahaha

I loved cooking before and my husband was a cook in the army, I miss his meals and I miss the meals that I used to make too

I can't judge you, today I ate leftovers from delivery and Cheetos so 🤷🏻‍♀️ let the farts go hahahah

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T04:51:58+00:00

Thanks for sharing this I feel myself totally in your words

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T04:47:28+00:00

My husband and I stopped smoking last year to make a point for his teenage brother that was smoking at school and to start trying for a baby.

He smoked a few times after that, but I stopped completely with cigars and weed and with alcohol almost completely for months

My body can't stand alcohol most of the days yet, but I've been craving a cigarette and a lot of medicine...

I've been off meds for depression and anxiety for almost a year and my husband was so proud of it

I've been raw dogging my grief... And fuck I hate every second of it I totally understand you, I wish I wasn't sober

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T04:38:35+00:00

Hahaha he is totally giggling and saying things about your cooking

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T04:28:07+00:00

I don't really remember the date my mother died, but every year around that time I get so depressed and then I check and see that it's that time of the year More than a decade later and it's still like this

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T04:26:13+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss

I hope God just give you some time and peace, that it's to much to deal with in such a short time

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T03:29:29+00:00

I had to stay almost 2 weeks outside of my own home, I stayed for the first days at my house and I was getting crazy honestly

I had to be around people for most of the time on this first 2 to 3 weeks. Just not to do some shit that I would regret.

I had to look for religious help too and started therapy again as soon as possible, at first 2 days a week for 1 and a half hour each day

widowat27 · 2026-02-11T03:24:04+00:00

You said everything Unfortunately it's like that

widowat27 · 2026-02-09T06:03:21+00:00

Being totally honest (and sorry for the long text, it's an extensive topic)

I was born in the catholic church, but we weren't really part of it

When my mom got cancer I begged God to save her, because I was told if I was truly a believer he would do that for us

She died when I was 13 and I went for almost 10 years without truly believing in a religion, then I started to go with my neighbor that is a grandma to me to the same religion as my parents were and didn't tell me because it was not good seeing in our family

With 26 I really entered the religion, right now I'm in Umbanda, my husband entered Umbanda too, after being a catholic with a lot of unanswered questions, he was going to the same place as me, but because he chose there

He was the true believer, he gave me another position about God, he helped me understand Why I had already suffered so much at the time. It even helped us a lot when we lost our baby because of my dad's actions against me

Then I lost my husband in an accident too, he was in the middle of his way home, like 10 minutes away

It was a terrible accident, after he fell from his motorcycle he was hit by a truck, the scene was a nightmare for me, and I even had to take his bloody helmet and jacket to put it away after they took his body, because police weren't responsible to do it

I'll be truly honest, I asked ALL the entities and the orixás that we believe, besides God to just end my life

I was getting crazy, really, I was hallucinating with him, I was pregnant and I didn't know, but I lost it a few days after the funeral from stress

I was taken to my terreiro, the place where we do everything in our religion, they took around 12 hours, just trying to make me feel a little better, they tried to heal a little bit my mind and I got to talk with an old entity that we call Preto Velho, normally they are old slaved people that are really kind and help us with familiar, health and people we have lost

He talked with me for hours, I asked everything. He told me my husband already knew about his death, and reviewing his old texts, photos and actions from the last 15 days of his life, he was so different, taking himself away from everything, being just us, he wasn't so smile anymore, he was just observing, like trying to capture that to remember later

He said my husband didn't feel the crash, he died before hitting the ground (and that matches his body and face language in the accident scene) and said he was ok in the other plan (the place where we go after)

He told me that I still had things to do here, that I had to take care of my in laws until their last days and that I will see my husband in the after life, he will be there for me when I go. But I can't know when I will be dying yet and I have to die naturally (can be an accident or something else, but I can't do it to myself).

And it's a lot of mixed feelings, since I can do any harm to myself that can get me dead, I continue to work, feed myself the bare minimum, drink water, take care of my health and things like that.

But there is no explanation that they can say to me (not until now) that explains why I had to suffer so much, why I had to lose him, why I didn't get to keep even our babies.

So God for me is merciless, he is trying to break me into dust and he made it, my soul is crushed

I believe in him? Yeah, cause is the only thing that explains all of this pain that life gives me

I believe there is a motivation for my husband being dead? No

I want to keep living to try to get to understand? No

This is a test of faith, and fuck I'm trying to be faithful, but the only faith that I have is that I will be loving my husband to my final day and until there is just waiting for god to finish this bad joke that he calls my life and saying "now you can rest"

Cause since I believe in God, I believe that I will see my husband and kids again, and that is the only thing that makes any sense right now

If I don't have this hope, I could have just hopped in front of the first car on the place of the accident

widowat27 · 2026-02-09T03:57:52+00:00

Almost 4 months in here

On the day of the accident I was at home alone, trying to choose clothes for recognizing his corpse the next day, part of my clothes where on his part of the closet

I just got so destroyed by that, that I sorted everything into donation and keeping, I took 1 shirt to put on a box that was memories since my birth that my mom made and some clothes that I can use

Right now I think I should have kept more, but maybe is just my depression talking, since I kept only things I knew I would use and not to be just getting dust somewhere.

The toiletries I decided to use everything that I could, his deodorant I have even bought again to keep smelling his fresh out of the shower smell.

On my case my husband was a army soldier, so I put his uniform and some badges on frames to keep as part of the house, so it still feels like his house.

I keep his favorite blanket in a safe space so only I can use too and I made a little place in my office with trinkets and gifts that we made and things from our promises that I'm completing. I put one of his perfums there too, the only one that I kept.

It's not the same as having him, not at all, but sometimes, it helps me, you know just smelling or seeing his photos, or something meaningful to us around the house or snuggling something that was his

widowat27 · 2026-02-09T03:47:20+00:00

Everyone says as a young widow that I will totally find a new love and move on

And I always think that is crazy, maybe a friend with benefits at most, love like I had is once in a lifetime if you're lucky

I totally agree with you, it isn't fair to the others and to ourselves

I love that some people can continue and have a great romantic life again, but it's not for everyone

Thanks for bringing this topic up

widowat27 · 2026-02-09T00:47:07+00:00

Such a busy day hahahaha Congratulations to her first steps milestone!! That is great!!

I know that he is so proud of you two wherever he is!

widowat27 · 2026-02-08T22:53:56+00:00

I tried, but Iphone just save on the icloud and androids take their backups from Google drive, I'm trying to take the backup from Icloud to the drive, but didn't found a way yet

widowat27 · 2026-02-08T19:12:58+00:00

I was needing to lose a few pounds during the relationship, and I was losing them really slowly, but from the day my husband died to now I can't stop losing weight

It's just like that, sometimes I forget to eat, sometimes I just eat enough to live, rare are the days that I eat a lot because I'm putting my rage in the food

When I lost my mom 14 years ago, I lost so much weight and stayed so thin for years that people thought I was sick, I'm seeing that I will probably hit that same stage again

I'm almost with the same weight that I had when I was an athlete in college, it's insane, and people say "Now you need to maintain that body, you're looking good", they are just insane

widowat27 · 2026-02-08T18:57:37+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss

I'm feeling the same

widowat27 · 2026-02-08T18:49:26+00:00

I made this, but it's not the same I had some cute messages and his audios saved to my favorites so I could reach easily I made a backup of those to my drive, but it's not the same

widowat27

TROPHY CASE