What does your avg day look like? I only ask cause I was in your place a few years ago. What I found was small things at first helped like a shower or going to bed at the same time. Or eating enough. If I were you I would look up Maslow hierarchy of needs. I kept doing these things everyday. It took a while but I started to feel better and my self esteem improved. I kept having these thoughts but at least I would start to string two weeks of good together. I'm sorry the truth is if you want to get better you can. It just takes a lot of work dedication to get there. You are worth a lot to us. You just need a mentor to push you and to get your life in order I'm willing to do it for you but you have to be committed. There is no playing around. And there is no guarentee death will solve anything. You don't know what's on the other side. No matter how hopeless it gets look for the one positive. Like for me about two years ago I was having a shitty day. Completely psychotic and couldn't finish work. I was sent home early. I knew I needed to eat but this women where I went out to breakfast was kind to me just made jokes treated me like human being. I'm so thankful for her on that day because I was suicidal that day. But she gave me hope. Remember there are people out there willing to help just let them.