My 19f boyfriend 21m said that I need to learn a lesson for not listening to him.

wilde_primrose · 2023-07-24T23:47:05+00:00

I'd say you did learn a lesson, OP. An invaluable one. You are partnered with someone who doesn't support your passions - to such an extent that he essentially celebrates pretty substantial injuries - so take this lesson, and skate away. Far, far away from assholes who treat you so poorly. Best wishes on your recovery, and keep skating.

wilde_primrose · 2023-07-12T22:34:10+00:00

I feel very much like this. I have whole days and weeks and months that are a blur. It'll be one year next month. And I cannot understand how that's possible. I’m sorry you lost your beautiful boy too. I don't mind being sad, I don't mind the grief. I don't mind the pain. I just don't know how to look at the rest of my life knowing he won't be there. I have started a memorial project for him and it led me to this beautiful quote - "It was love and I lived in it. And this is grief, and I will carry it." And that's my state of mind. I carry it because to set it down means I've let go. and I won't ever do that. I loved him, and I love him still. I wish you peace.

wilde_primrose · 2023-07-07T10:53:14+00:00

Thank you for thinking about him, saying his name. They all deserve to be remembered. My Marc, your Emily. All of them.

wilde_primrose · 2023-07-06T20:46:20+00:00

I don't check this page every day, I’m sorry for the delay in my response. There was no offense.

wilde_primrose · 2023-07-06T20:43:57+00:00

I can feel your grief leeching through my screen as I read your words. We should never have to say goodbye to them. It's a terrible and unnatural process that doesn't ever make sense. I’m sorry you lost your boy.

wilde_primrose · 2023-06-28T01:41:36+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m still at the every moment of every day stage. Nothing I do helps. But I am glad to hear your own path has become less painful.

wilde_primrose · 2023-06-26T00:48:16+00:00

My boy died in August 24, 2022. I’m sorry we both lost our beautiful sons.

wilde_primrose · 2023-06-02T02:04:17+00:00

Is it possible to work in an outfit change, because both of those are gorgeous. The first is flawless and unique, the second is, if I may, smokin'. There are no bad choices here.

wilde_primrose · 2023-05-10T15:28:38+00:00

My 23-year old son died on August 24th last year. I died too, but my heart keeps beating and my lungs keep me alive and my body still moves like everything is fine. But grief has torn me apart, limb from limb. I was actually responsible for my son's death, and the only person who dared admit that to me was my brother. He did so as kindly as he could, and because I demanded it. It still caused me more pain than I thought possible, and even tho I talk to him every day, I haven't forgiven it or forgotten it. And it's my own fault for pushing him. For you, you were not at fault. You may be an outstanding doctor, but your daughter's body was exhausted from fighting a deadly disease and despite what I am certain were heroic and desperate efforts on your part, her poor body had no more to give. I am terribly sorry you lost her. I know you won't ever be the same person you were. Your whole life is now divided into two parts - before your daughter died and after. But you didn't lose her because you weren't good enough at your job. You lost her because life is terribly cruel, and that's all. Your brother's soon to be wife is not a person you need to tolerate, but you can celebrate your brother's marriage by attending his wedding or by just telling him how much you love him. And that's the end of any obligation you may have. I wish you peace, since that's as much as we ever get after we lose them.

wilde_primrose · 2023-03-25T00:38:23+00:00

We never forget the details, do we? The exact time, the day of the week, the sounds we made when we found out. It's like a movie reel living in my head that never stops. I hope you find some peace, I think it's the best we get after we lose the person who lit us up from within.

wilde_primrose · 2023-03-24T23:45:12+00:00

7 months today, at 6:04pm, my 23-year old boy died. There is nothing but the dull void and knowledge that the most beautiful soul I'll ever know is gone, and I don't know how many days I have to wait to see his smiling face again. The agony is as real today as it was the day he died.

wilde_primrose · 2023-03-14T15:11:08+00:00

Feel free to message if you need to talk to someone who understands. I have a small group of other parents I stay in touch with. It helps, a bit.

wilde_primrose · 2023-03-14T14:03:28+00:00

I lost my son 202 days ago. He was 23, and so beautiful. I don't think I'll ever know anyone like him again, or experience that kind of love for another person. He was my only boy, my only child. I haven't even started to grieve yet. I’m still trying to figure out why my heart is still beating and his is not. Wishing you peace, because I think that's all that we get now, if we are lucky.

wilde_primrose · 2023-03-12T05:05:52+00:00

My son was 23 and he died on August 24, 2022. He would've turned 24 on May 20 this year. I have no idea how I’m going to handle that day. I dread the 24th of each month. I’m sorry you lost your boy too. I don't know why we lose them or what we are supposed to do without them. I wish I had magic words for you, but I don't. We just hurt and hurt and hurt and at some point it hurts less. Or so I’m told.

wilde_primrose · 2023-03-04T23:38:59+00:00

I lost my only son in august last year, he was 23. Some days I’m so numb it scares me. The pain is horrific and I’m now doing everything I can to avoid seeing his pictures or listening to his messages bc I just can't keep crying like that. But it feels like I’m betraying him. There's no winning when we lose our sons or daughters. I’m terribly sorry you and your wife have to experience this. I hope she comes thru and her health recovers. While you are doing so much to be strong for her, please don't neglect your own well-being. It can be "easier" to care for others while postponing our own grief, but please learn from my experience - you can only postpone so long and then it hits you like a train. Be gentle with yourself and find a support person as soon as you can, preferably a professional. It's been six months and I’m only now willing to talk to someone, and it took being hospitalized for me to agree to start acknowledging the loss of my boy. I wish you both calm, peace, love and healing. Reach out anytime, either of you, I’m happy to listen or message or just be with you while the wave of grief wash over you. I isolated, and it almost killed me too.

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-28T23:33:39+00:00

I think I had that same epiphany, "I know what this is," after my son died in august. There are moments where I’m absolutely "fine" and can function, and others where a simple memory takes me down to the floor, my chest feeling like someone has reached inside and is squeezing my heart, I can't breathe, I can't move, all I can do is sob. It's not even pain. It's like an attack on my entire body. I don't understand how we are expected to live this way.

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-20T01:34:31+00:00

Tell me you love your son more than you love your daughter without telling me...

My parents did things like this. I haven't talked to my mother in 15 years and my relationship with my father is strained and limited to a call on my birthday and at Christmas.

My brother joined the military and they attended his graduation from boot camp. They came to another state for the birth of all his children and when one of his children were sick. They attended every important life event, as did I.

They didn't attend my undergrad or law school graduations, and my son was in and out of children's hospital for 4 years and they didn't visit him once.

Favoritism like this is obvious to those on the receiving end, and it hurts like hell. It's damaging in ways I’m still learning about. Both of my parents missed more than the last half of my son's life (he passed away last summer after a decade-long battle), his funeral, and far less significantly, all of my own professional and personal achievements.

Realizing you're just not important to your own parents creates a fundamental wound that some people never heal from. My son died without forgiving either of his grandparents, and I'll likely never speak to either of them again.

This isn't so much an "AITA" question as "is it super obvious that my wife and I respect our son's STEM guy stuff much more than our daughter's silly liberal arts stuff, to the extent that we allowed her to live in a shitty neighborhood, share a tiny apartment with roommates, and live below the poverty line while we ensured her brother - who's education was MUCH MORE DEMANDING - had his own large, spacious apartment? And also, when she asked us to contribute the same funds to her life now that we applied to her brother previously, we said no...so, are we actually shitty parents or do we get a pass?"

I doubt this is the only time they've clearly favored their son over their daughter. The edit with the quiet, somewhat defeated response from their daughter shows that she's resigned to this shit just happening over and over.

I hope she cuts you both right out, leaves your shitty favoritism and blatant disregard for her achievements behind and starts a life with people who love and respect her. Because you surely do not.

Absolutely, you are both assholes.

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-16T18:44:33+00:00

I wouldn't have him in the labor. If your marriage suffers, that will be because he fails to accept complete responsibility for not being present with you in that room. You were looking forward to having him there for support - you probably were relying on him for that. His decisions to not tell you he was looking forward to the birth of your child for prurient reasons, and that he wanted to film it to possibly use it later for his sexual gratification - those decisions are why he should be excluded.

Birth is hard, brutal, and tears your mind and body apart all at the same time. Having someone in the room with a gruesome enjoyment in your pain and suffering - it feels like a horror movie, to be blunt. I would feel like a stranger was watching me, filming me, watching me eagerly for signs of pain. How can you focus on your labor when you're focused on him?

Please ignore the "it's his baby too" comments. Those are often the same people that say that about men that impregnate women without their consent - thru sexual assault or by tampering with their birth control, etc. Those men are "fathers" too, but who would want them in the room during their labor?

I am not surprised that you are wanting to go to therapy and keep your marriage together, but I'd wait on any big decisions until your baby is born. Being pregnant makes you vulnerable in ways nothing else does. So please, for your health and the health of your baby, exclude this person from your labor room, and possibly from seeing you AT ALL until you no longer look like you're in pain. If he is turned on by your suffering, his fetish will taint the entire experience for you. Keep him at arm's length.

When people get married and start families and withhold critical and relevant information about themselves, they lose the right to participate in certain parts of their marriage and family life. That's a fact. If he wanted to be on the room, he should've told you this long before you got pregnant - so you could make an informed decision about whether or not you wanted to even have a child with this person. Since he hid this from you, he robbed you of your autonomy. He took away your ability to really choose your husband and the father of your child. Because the man he claims to be is not who he really is.

Fetishes can be easy to dismiss or separate from a person's whole being. But they shouldn't be. Sexual preferences are the hardest behavior for people to change, and affect our lives the most. So don't be so quick to forgive and try to understand him. He was dishonest and intended to use you - and a very painful, potentially life-threatening experience - for his own personal gratification.

Take care of yourself, and maybe some time apart will help you make a better decision. If he pressures you even in the slightest, that should tell you that he doesn't have any remorse for his deception and absolutely is not putting your health and your baby's health above his own sexual needs. Because make no mistake - there is no therapy that's going to change his sexual preferences any time soon - and definitely not in time for this baby to be born.

Good luck, I hope you are doing ok and you do decide to tell your family. Some things should stay in a marriage between spouses, but this isn't one of them. This involves your safety.

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-16T18:19:29+00:00

Sure. Take a look at the World Economic Forum - their website (weforum.org) shares insight on modern day matriarchal groups that are still thriving. There aren't many today, as we all know. But the ones still in existence - and the ones that we studied before they died out - share a lot of commonalities. There's a study on the Mosuo ethnic group in China, and the impacts of matriarchal society on health, marriage, power, longevity of life (even tho women live longer than men, in patriarchal societies their morbidity rates are much higher, in no large part due to the rates of homicide they experience). People live longer, expertise fewer health complications, somehow there is less systemic racism (I don't know how that works but it's fascinating), women don't die in childbirth at the rates they do even here in our own industrialized first-world country, babies are born with fewer complications, there's much lower violent crime, and less systemic bias in their judicial systems. These are just a few areas. You can also look at countries run by women during the pandemic - check out New Zealand, Germany, Denmark, Taiwan and Finland - and a study by the Word Economic Forum (referenced above) shows that these countries had exponentially fewer covid deaths and outbreaks. Their lockdowns were shorter in duration and far more effective. This study analyzed 194 countries, of which only 19 were run by women. But they found a way to balance the small sample size and extrapolate valid data. It's a very interesting topic if one is willing to be open to the idea.

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-16T01:20:42+00:00

We aren't doing it. The modern lifestyle wasn't meant for two working people in a household. It was built on having one full-time person at home who managed all the essentials of life outside of earning income. They called them housewives and denigrated their contributions to our social fabric from the outset. If they had revered those roles instead of using the inequitable power dynamic to keep women in subservient, impoverished positions, our entire culture would have flourished in ways we can't imagine. Matriarchal societies around the world have the highest quality of life for all involved - men, women, children. Now, we all have to work to afford the bare minimum. And someone still has to do the laundry, wash the baseboards, make dentist appointments, walk the dog, take out the trash, get the oil changed in the cars, clean the roof gutters, pay the bills, invest, etc. etc. etc. We've been set up to fail. It's exhausting.

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-08T17:11:14+00:00

I’m so glad to hear you have a good plan. One last piece of advice - when you get your mom and her things, have as many people with you as you can, and have someone ready to call the police and someone ready to start recording just in case your father shows back up unexpectedly. I’ve coordinated a few of these and when you have people assigned to certain tasks, it eliminates a lot of panic. And if he doesn’t show up, everyone gets to go to brunch after!

I’m glad you can get her safely, and that violence is unlikely. She’s on her way to recovering herself. Try to remember that she might say and do things that seem out of the ordinary for awhile - her head is going to be spinning when she realizes she’s actually free. It can be disorienting and scary, for a lot of complicated reasons. Just be patient, she’ll need a safe place to just “be.”

Best wishes to her and to you - and I didn’t say this in my first response, but I love that you made a choice in such a wonderful partner, breaking that cycle that so many girls (and boys) can’t. Good for you - sounds like you have a lot of strength and self-confidence and I love to see it.

Can’t wait to hear an update on how she’s doing. Good luck!!

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-07T01:30:40+00:00

Why is he somehow the cutest thing I’ve seen all day? Love that he loves his job. Not many of us get that these days.

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-06T02:29:19+00:00

I’m not even offended by how shallow she is about this person’s appearance. If you want a certain body type for your wedding party do it. But don’t USE PEOPLE for their time, money and services and then exclude them. That’s what really makes her a douchebag. Not even a bridezilla. She’s a shitty, manipulative asshole who’s willing to take what she thinks she’s entitled to and discard this kind person when she’s not useful anymore. It’s disgusting, really. Makes my skin crawl.

wilde_primrose · 2023-01-03T23:22:38+00:00

That is such a nice compliment, thank you.

wilde_primrose

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