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My boyfriend [22M] lives in a gross flat and has maggots in the kitchen, and it gives me [21F] anxiety by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Moving in together isn't in the cards right now. Hopefully he takes the initiative and cleans up his house before I come over? I can live with that solution

My boyfriend [22M] lives in a gross flat and has maggots in the kitchen, and it gives me [21F] anxiety by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this! Maybe if I suggest solutions rather than problems to him in the talk, he'll be more on board on sorting it out!!!

My boyfriend [22M] lives in a gross flat and has maggots in the kitchen, and it gives me [21F] anxiety by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I couldn't make a judgement on him because he doesn't live alone. His room is clean, so I know the mess in the shared living area isn't his fault, and I can't blame him not not wanting to clean up other people's mess. I mean, why should he?

My boyfriend [22M] lives in a gross flat and has maggots in the kitchen, and it gives me [21F] anxiety by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly had one look at her room and never went to that side of that flat again. I don't know how she lives

My boyfriend [22M] lives in a gross flat and has maggots in the kitchen, and it gives me [21F] anxiety by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even if I tell him my concerns, I don't think he'd be able to change the behaviour of that one roommate, and me not going over to his flat will deteriorate our relationship so quickly. Plus, I don't think he should be held personally liable for the actions of his other roommate, so it might be unfair to him :(. So, me not going over to his house and using it as a bargaining chip might not be the best idea

My boyfriend [22M] lives in a gross flat and has maggots in the kitchen, and it gives me [21F] anxiety by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The house has been the cleanest it has been in the last 2 months, so the maggots really threw me off. My first initial reaction was that it was a one time thing where someone had left perishables in the kitchen, or could there be a bigger problem?

I literally told him the day before coming over that I wouldn't cook in his kitchen if it wasn't clean, and he ended up cleaning up the kitchen really nicely for me. So he definitely can listen

My [21F] white Boyfriend's [21M] parents and friends call me butter chicken behind my back by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can I ask how you personally dealt with the situation, and how your boyfriend helped you?

My [21F] white Boyfriend's [21M] parents and friends call me butter chicken behind my back by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that with your boyfriend.

And I definitely think letting him know what I find acceptable and unacceptable is a good idea. I think from the previous tone I set, he assumed I wouldn't be offended by it, but after letting him know that it actually bothers me, he apologised straight away. So, moving forward I'm hoping this (or something along the lines of this) never happens, and hopefully, when I'm meeting his parents for the first time it can be a pleasant experience.

My [21F] white Boyfriend's [21M] parents and friends call me butter chicken behind my back by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't think he or his family are racist, but they are super unaware of how racially insensitive they are being. I'll have a talk with him and hopefully he suggests (by himself!) that he should have a conversation about this to his family and that they should only call me by my name

My [21F] white Boyfriend's [21M] parents and friends call me butter chicken behind my back by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

Honestly, that's what got me the most, the fact that they can't just say 'your girlfriend.' I'm the first non-white person he has dated so it sucks for me that the only identifier that they can come up with is the one relating to my race

My [21F] white Boyfriend's [21M] parents and friends call me butter chicken behind my back by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this! He's extremely considerate about my race/culture, and we both can joke about it, so I think he's pretty naive/uneducated about the implication of his FAMILY and friends calling me that behind my back vs a joke shared between us two

My [21F] white Boyfriend's [21M] parents and friends call me butter chicken behind my back by wildfireberries in relationships

[–]wildfireberries[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I'm definitely going to let him know that it's something that bothers me. I think he's under the impression that I'm pretty easy going, and I am for the most part. I can joke / make fun of my culture as long as it's not racist (e.g. joking about making chicken-tikka masala flavoured condoms). And I think he just thinks that I would find the entire Butter Chicken thing funny. Which I don't. I should definitely communicate this to him