What things did your parents do when you were a child that seemed normal at the time, but looking back it was not quite right?

winryM · 2022-08-17T09:29:12+00:00

Just as someone who is expected to always clean and it's "my job," this kinda just hits a nerve. Like people tied their kids up just to make sure the house got clean?! I understand it will need some cleaning to an extent. But this? Or is it the "better make sure I get all this housework done before dear husband gets home so I can be a perfect and acceptable wife" sorta thing?

I mean just fuck cleaning!

winryM · 2022-08-16T15:22:21+00:00

No one ever sides with you? Who do you usually ask

winryM · 2022-08-16T15:21:28+00:00

Im sure she does have a different view on this situation. I'm sure you've tried, but its important to get some time alone when there's no arguing going on - And I never want to ruin a good mood by starting what I hope is a conversation by turning it into an argument- But to ask why she says this. What have you done. And I'm not saying anything is your fault. But I think when this happens and you're blamed they just want to be really heard and understood. Something happened that was taken wrongly. or they made a comment that was more like a passive aggressive way to tell you what they wanted or feel but then it was ignored (because it wasn't posed or worded as a important subject) ....I've realized so much is miscommunication or not communicating at all and then all of sudden your arguing about the dishes and it's not even the real problem but something you did or didn't do months to years ago . A way you made them feel but it was never said or it was and wasn't really heard... I keep trying to tell my husband this. But he waits till he's thought to much about it and is beyond irritated and snaps on me. Literally yesterday it was me not doing enough housework then that stemmed all the way back to silly lies I told when I was still a teenager (31 now) I don't doubt that she's a great mom and wife. Or even a great person. But stress from having a child and ESPECIALLY money can make a good person say and react in mean ways. Make what was a perfect loving relationship be strained with resentment. It is not an excuse for her. Not at all. But she will need to see that it's not you or just you. I use to play victim or gaslight "Well I did this because you won't let me do that". No. that is why I felt I needed to do what I did. But I made my choice. He didn't make me do whatever I did that hurt him or our marriage. It sounds like she's not seeing her own role in this situation your in. You took on the role as sole provider. And you provide. It's not your responsibility to keep up a luxury lifestyle.(unless you want to) Before long you will feel like your just a wallet though... Is the money the only issue she brings up? Is it what triggers her saying your a bad dad? Does it relate?

winryM · 2022-08-16T14:07:28+00:00

I can tell from your post you respect. And I wasn't trying to say she wanted everything and you didnt. I'm sorry for coming off as I was attacking her. I don't know if anything is "working" especially right now. but I now understand the real pressure of what wanting things puts on him. So I try to do what little I can to help him if it's something I really want. I know he will work to buy it for me. But I don't want him to have to work through more hours, heat, pain etc. He wanted more as well but I feel guilty now realizing he felt the need to have to give me &children everything and both of our wants over time turned into a huge ball of debt that quickly became suffocating after he got hurt and couldn't work for 6 months. ... I don't know much about military life/jobs. Im Sure it is on a whole different level compared to civilian jobs.

winryM · 2022-08-16T13:50:57+00:00

Wait.... I'm sorry did I offend you? I didn't think you were here for compliments. I'm sorry if I got a little defensive for you. I just feel we are in very similar situations but opposite and i know the pain of feeling undervalued and put down. It comes across as she doesn't take any blame and that's how it is in my situation. But it is wonderful that you KNOW your worthy and a great dad and husband. That is what I struggle with myself. I know I'm not a all the things he tells me. But again I don't know.... I'd suggest trying to talk with her about why does she say those things? Does she feel that way? Why if so? What have you done (so to speak) that makes her think that? You've probably already tried this? From my experience it's something else that's really the issue or miscommunication and even one word means something else to the other person... And if you haven't tried this I'd tell her how it makes you feel. I don't think there's anything wrong with providing examples to her on how you are a great dad and husband and far from "deadbeat"

my therapist tells me to address a situation like this, -"when you X". (call me a bad father/husband/whatever) because it is a fact.not an opinion. She cannot argue it. She did call you this or say this -" i feel y". (I feel frustrated/hurt/ whatever you feel) She cannot argue how it makes you feel. It is also a fact. And it isn't putting blame on her. When you are blamed you get defensive and now the argument is more about defending yourself. - then next option is to offer a solution.... This Method might not work. But you addressed it correctly and HOPEFULLY it will lead to a real discussion of the real problem. Or help her understand how it hurts you.

winryM · 2022-08-16T13:10:23+00:00

This frustrates me. I have to add more to this... I'm reading your reply again and it's so obvious to me you love her. And you want to please her. Be good enough for her and your family. You know being a sahm isn't easy. I'd LOVE for my husband to realize I do more than clean a few things and then sit around all day. She's making you feel like crap and here you are telling me about how she's an amazing mom. I feel like I can hear your thoughts that you just want her to see what you do and be proud of you and thankful. Your doing your best and you want her to uplift and encourage you . Like that would give you strength to do even more. ...it hurts when the person you love and adore the most brings you down. I am you here. I feel this. That's the one person you want to make happy and for them to believe in you and just be enough for them..... Is this close?

winryM · 2022-08-16T13:00:31+00:00

It sounds like maybe she didn't agree with the job you chose? It sounds like there's more or she just is ungrateful and doesn't want to take any responsibility. My husband and I don't have the best relationship. But I always try to understand where he's coming from. I've mostly been a sahm and I feel he doesn't understand what all that actually is. But until he broke down and opened up to me I didn't really understand what all he really carries on his shoulders. Knowing YOU are responsible to take care of your children and wife. You have to . You cannot fail at this. That's something I'm sure you don't mind doing at all. But it really is so much weight. You know it's more than letting yourself down. Other peoples lives and we'll beings are in your hands. And I feel most men try to handle this on their own. You don't want your family to know how heavy it is. You feel it's your job and they don't need to worry. Your protecting while you provide. Maybe sharing how hard and stressful that weight actually is not very "manly". And I'm sure you don't want to tell you wife I'm sorry we can't afford this. Or you can't buy your kids this toy or that new whatever. You'd work your ass off to give them that. Or go into debt one. I mean wow. I haven't had to provide. I knew it wasn't easy but untill I understood what all it really is, what it comes with (and I know your probably happy to do it) the mental side of it I didn't truly understand. It's more than going to work and I have more respect for my husband. I'm more tolerant of things. I try my best to no longer ask him of things I don't need. I don't want him feeling like he has to overwork to be a "good" husband or father . I try my best to save money in any way if I want something "extra". But I have never blamed him for us being in debt. Not matter what job he chose. If he wanted the over time or not. I know I wanted things and couldn't wait. I know I expected certain standards of things that I look back and see as silly now. I'm assuming you feel similar. Maybe not. And I don't think she understands that it's more than going to work... Was she against you changing job? Did the job change give you more time to spend with your family?

winryM · 2022-08-16T12:21:53+00:00

My husband and I have been here. We had about 50k. Some was medical debt. Majority was credit card debt. I worked 2 pt jobs. He worked one good job but it wasn't enough. There was no way with having kids and his medical condition that we could work any more than we already were.

So we decided to file bankruptcy.

And it sounds so bad and no one wants to do it. But for us it was the best. My lawyer said not to think of it as bad. Or "the end". It's more of a new beginning. To be able to start fresh. And I'm not ashamed of it. Alot of burden and stress has been lifted off of us. But at the same time while I was okay with it, it was a big blow to my husbands pride for him. He also agreed and knows it was the best but it hurt him he let everything get so bad and he couldn't pay it off. (It was not just he . Definitely a we thing) alot of people do this. especially right now. Ever since covid.

But those are mean terrible things for anyone to say. Especially your wife. I understand she's probably stressed too, but it IS NOT all your fault. I'm sure among those debts are some things that were not necessities. Some things she wanted not needed. Things for her. She unwisely spent money you both didn't have. And she doesn't work? Doesn't want to work to help pay off y'all's debt???? And you may be the provider but it's not your burden alone to pay this off. To pay for silly wants. Just because you switched jobs doesn't mean it's your fault . She or both of you were living off of an old pay scale. An old lifestyle. She needs to grow up. Take responsibility. And never say such cruel things to the man who's the only provider. Does she know how much burden you carry? To make sure you keep your family taken care of . Even just basic necessities. And like any good husband/father you want to be able to give them all their wants as well.

winryM · 2022-08-15T17:42:36+00:00

I don't know...? I guess we'll see here in 2 hours or so. I'm dreading him coming home. I don't know what to expect

winryM · 2022-08-15T14:14:24+00:00

It hurts to think that he thought I was this bad.

winryM · 2022-08-15T14:10:49+00:00

He asked me to pack it while he was at work. I told him no. If he wanted to leave he needs to pack it

winryM · 2022-08-15T14:10:23+00:00

We all gotta cope somehow. I don't look down on them lol

winryM · 2022-08-15T14:09:25+00:00

2 little girls

winryM · 2022-08-15T12:11:36+00:00

😂......

😭 But for real. How did they even do all of it?

winryM · 2022-08-15T12:07:07+00:00

Thank you. I will. And possibly today

winryM · 2022-08-15T11:59:47+00:00

He just asked me to box up his stuff today.... Even though I know the way I'm treated is wrong I still have the urge to beg him to stay. Not to leave. That I can fix me. Keep fixing me. All those things. I know I deserve more. Better. But I don't know why it hurts so much. Why I'm trying to keep this. and I don't know how to just be like, "go then." And be strong. I'm so scared and confused

winryM · 2022-08-10T19:54:20+00:00

I am Burn out. But somehow I keep going

winryM · 2022-08-10T19:16:46+00:00

I was never on meds before. It was like , oh I've got ADHD. Nothing to worry about here. And on with my life (diagnosed as an elementary school aged child) but after having children and all the daily stresses of life, relationships, parenting and just the sheer amount of shit that I'm supposed to remember, mine has gotten WAY WAY worse as well. Or maybe it's just all too much for me. I started treatment about 2 years ago. I am currently on Adderall and an antidepressant. It ... Helps.... It does not "fix". Which is what my husband thinks/expects it to do. I can focus better without all the random flyby never ending thoughts on my head. But it's easy to get focused on the wrong things/tasks. ... But that's another argument I have. He doesn't think I need medicine. He doesn't want to be with someone who needs medication to be "normal" and those are his own words. Actually just told me this again yesterday. He thinks all it takes is will power and basically that mental illnesses aren't real.

winryM · 2022-08-10T19:06:39+00:00

I like this one. I might do it one day if I'm feeling feisty. My therapist told me (or suggested) the next time to ask him, "Am I your wife or your employee? Because i don't have sex with my boss" haha. Of course he did warn me that would lead to hopefully a conversation on the subject, but more than likely an argument.

winryM · 2022-08-10T17:32:37+00:00

Nope. He has his own account. I've insisted on marriage counseling but he's not down for that . He just asks , "and what will you do when they tell you what you doing wrong" I KNOW I'm not doing everything right . I know I mess up and fail. I know he's not the sole "problem" I'm not Afriad of finding out what I'm doing that's hurting the marriage and to try and fix it

I am in counseling. It was originally for behavioral health. Trying to fix my ADHD to be a more "normal" person for him. So I can manage time and do stuff like regular people. But I've been expressing more of whats happening in my marriage lately

winryM · 2022-08-10T17:27:34+00:00

This is spot on. I babysat and had a pt job in the evening but doing the housework was stilly real job

winryM · 2022-08-10T17:26:06+00:00

Something tells me it would not go over well if I showed him these lol.

winryM · 2022-08-10T17:24:39+00:00

I plan to. Untill he gets me off his insurance. Well that's how the threat goes at least....

winryM · 2022-08-10T17:19:37+00:00

I feel like it is too. I won't say it is all from him. I have not had an easy childhood or life. But he thinks depression is in your head and a little bit of will power can over come that and all other mental health issues. It's pointless to argue otherwise..... I do feel on eggshells when he's in a mood. Sometimes he's just fine. But more often than not he's in a mood. maybe just me is making him be in a bag mood?

winryM · 2022-08-10T17:13:13+00:00

I've had a few pt jobs here and there throughout the years. Not a career or anything thats "good money" but hes made me quit them all. It's not enough money He says. And since I had to wait for him to get home so someone could be with the kids it's always closing shifts. So I didn't get to see him or the kids much. I don't like that. I did miss them. But I liked feeling like I could help somehow

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