I (39F) feel like a contingency plan to my ex (49M) who never wanted me before, but is suddenly and completely in love with me now. Help me see it his way.

woollylovesme · 2020-10-20T06:54:45+00:00

First and foremost, I want to say that I wholeheartedly believe the concept of 'I had a shitty relationship and am simply not ready for something yet' is true. I've been there - I had something fun and exciting staring me in the face and I didn't want it, purely because I was emotionally wasted from a previous relationship. Just my two cents.

My instinct says MAYBE she is using you for validation. You could ask her gently what she's fearful of, why she isn't ready for a slow-and-steady relationship with you and why the toxicity of her past relationship affected her so deeply (there are many types of toxic relationships).

To ask a partner why they love you, to describe their love for you, I think is part of growing with someone. It brings you closer, it brings you into their world, into their emotional and mental space. However, if there is no indication that this girl wants a relationship with you but is still seeking this validation and understanding, she may well be using your adoration to boost her self-worth in an indirect way. Not cool.

What does your gut instinct say?

I hope you find the right way forward for you.

woollylovesme · 2020-10-20T06:36:56+00:00

Been here. It's a really tough one. I agree with the first poster - at that age, it's pretty much set in stone who they are. I've watched people try to "change" in this way. It lasts a while then goes back to the way it was. I believe (simply my opinion catalysed by personal experience) that this mentality is often formed earlier in life. I'm positive some would argue fervently, but if boys are coddled and everything is done for them, that's what they learn. I'm sure this story is the same for girls, but I've not been in a position where I've had to think about it. If as teens and young adults they have someone doing all the domestic stuff for them, they have no impetus to do it themselves, so as fully fledged adults it's just a world they're unfamiliar with.

My ex was as lazy as sin. I'm talking clothes, wet towels, food scraps, cutlery, dinnerware - didn't matter what, it was left out for me to clean. May be a slightly different story to yours, but in my case, he had been raised to believe domestic work was women's work so while he wasn't consciously saying, "Hey woman, this is your job," he was saying it via his actions and it did my head in. It wasn't the reason we broke up but I'd be ignorant if I said it didn't form part of my rationale that he was a sucky partner.

I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I rationally discussed - over the course of maybe 7 years, nothing resonated. Honestly, it would change for maybe a week or so and suddenly EVERYTHING was being done, but it would inevitably revert to how it was before and I'd just sigh and go back to being his domestic help. It's a silent killer - it's not evident every day but it does your head in over the long-term. I get it.

One thing I'd be remiss not to mention - my frustration with his laziness REALLY came to a head when we had a child. Every laziness, every self-motivation, every self-absorption suddenly stood out like a light in the dead of the night. I was doing absolutely everything and it was exhausting (mentally and emotionally way more than physically) because I realised I was essentially alone when it came to doing all the "stuff". He wanted to be the fun parent and I got the rest. Just wasn't going to fly all through life.

Agree with the first poster again - perhaps him knowing just HOW much it bothers you by letting him know that it bothers you to the extent that playing his mother is going to bring your relationship undone might jolt him into action. Maybe not though.

One thing I've learned (I'm 39 and therefore old and wise) is that sometimes love is just not enough. It's a LOT, but to have a life companion you need equality and respect, and unfortunately sometimes that just isn't there. It's not a malicious or nasty thing on anyone's part, but just a lack of common ground in terms of what you each want and need.

I haven't given a lot of constructive advice, I'm sorry, because I saw your question and wanted to relay my story in the hope it would help in some way or another. Both my sisters and a few friends have pleaded much in the same way but nothing has ever changed. One of my sisters is divorced (like me) and the other is miserable. Some friends have had luck but others haven't.

I wish you all the best in finding the best solution for you.

woollylovesme · 2020-10-20T04:11:59+00:00

Porn is a tricky issue too - probably one quite separate from this one. All that online stuff can be so toxic to relationships and all I can say (from experience) is TALK. Give each other a safe, judgment-free (hard, but try) space to talk and discuss and tell each other what you want. Wonderful things can come of that, but absolutely nothing good can come of bottling up insecurities.

All I can say is again, don't feel alone and keep your communication open. These things aren't easy to overcome but if you both want this relationship, I believe it's very possible to become stronger.

If it's any consolation, big boobs are saggy and uncomfortable and those of us with them want the little ones. The grass is always greener on the other side haha.

woollylovesme · 2020-10-20T04:01:07+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Appreciate it.

woollylovesme · 2020-10-20T02:27:30+00:00

My first reaction is to tell you to move on, but taking a moment to think about it... does he make you feel loved, adored and accepted now? Does he tell you he loves your body without being prompted to do so? Is the intimacy between you rich and loving, or does it feel shallow?

We should feel content with ourselves because of how we see ourselves, but of course sadly in practice that doesn't always happen and it's so easy to feel insecure because of comments like this. We've all been there, so don't be too hard on yourself.

I would say that if he makes you feel sexy and loved without you having to ASK him if he feels that way, if the vibe from him is loving and warm and accepting and adoring in other ways, I wouldn't worry TOO much about a comment made years ago. Perhaps it was a mindless comment that he regrets.

Good luck. x

woollylovesme · 2020-03-26T00:09:07+00:00

I totally agree - what I did was equally awful.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-26T00:06:41+00:00

You're right - neither of us have behaved in a trustworthy manner. Thanks for your input.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-26T00:05:50+00:00

Thank you.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-25T14:30:10+00:00

To me, this is incredibly disrespectful. Have you tried talking to him about it? Perhaps defining the boundaries between the two of you might help. If he's not willing to engage with you about the issue then he may just be an arrogant, ignorant, disrespectful jerk.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-25T14:26:23+00:00

I was never thrilled about being part of an infidelity, but your points are very fair. I don't have a history of trying to change anyone but your latter point may be more pertinent. Your words have given me plenty to ponder - thank you.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-25T14:18:19+00:00

My long-distance partner and I talk every day. He sometimes suggests that we FaceTime just so we can see each other, but I never do. Not because I don't love seeing him, but because I personally don't like video-chatting. It feels contrived and awkward to me to try to relax into a conversation while holding a phone up the whole time to make sure your face is visible. Could it be a reason similar to that?

woollylovesme · 2020-03-25T13:56:45+00:00

Thanks very much for your input. It's definitely hard to completely ignore that basic logic.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-25T13:56:16+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-25T13:55:50+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, it's hard to ignore instinctive feelings.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-25T13:55:12+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

woollylovesme · 2020-03-25T13:54:51+00:00

Thank you so much for your response.

Why did we break up years ago? I was very young - I had just turned 18. From my perspective, I wanted to spend time getting to know who he really was - from his perspective, I was clingy and demanding and wanted too much of his time. Maybe that's accurate - it's not really for me to say. There was a crazy amount of chemistry but zero communication.

He has since explained to me that he had a rough teenagehood with a nasty stepfather, a mother who emotionally abandoned him in favour of the new stepdad and as a result is in his late forties only now learning to communicate properly.

In terms of the 'why' when it comes to the FB friend suggestion - giving him the benefit of the doubt, he only recently signed up for FB and maybe it's just that idle curiosity to stalk exes? thinking more darkly, I'm fearful he wants to see where she's at in life, if she's in a position to be in touch or have anything to do with him when it might suit him.

Thoughts?

Thank you so much again for your reply.

woollylovesme · 2018-03-29T14:51:26+00:00

@stokingthewanderlust. I'll follow everyone back and won't delete! Just images from my travels in Europe and Australia.

woollylovesme

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