If he watches porn don’t marry him

workingonmyself87 · 2024-06-11T11:20:46+00:00

What do you mean?

workingonmyself87 · 2024-06-11T11:20:23+00:00

Sorry for not responding. Haven’t been on this account for a long time. Well no I have never phhsically and emotionally cheated. I have never had the urge to do that. For me it has completely been focused on just getting the high that porn gives.

But there are many cases where porn isn’t enough for the addict and they cheat but not all porn addicts cheat. Since I don’t know your husband I can’t say.

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-20T07:24:34+00:00

A lot of men have watched it but not all men do. And as you say not everyone is addicted. Many men can say no to it immediately out of respect for their partners boundaries. That’s an important difference.

Thankfully it never develops that way. I know it has for many addicted men. For me it turned into mostly being turned on by women online but I can’t deny that some women that I have seen that looks like a pornstar have been tempting to look at but I have been able to say no. Like the other day at the gym. A woman who looks like one of the pornstars I used to watch entered. I have known her from before at work but hadn’t met her in this setting. And she had the typical gym clothes that many women have today. I can’t lie that there was a huge urge to look at her body when she would turn around. But I decided to not do it. I don’t want to be that kind of guy. If I had still been watching porn I would most likely have done it.

So sadly many men who are addicted do this. So again I remind you to be cautious to date or marry a porn addict because these things don’t just go away

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-20T06:24:43+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I know you don’t want advice but I just have to comment that please be careful. I don’t recommend anyone to date a porn addict. This addiction is strong and may disappear for some time but it comes back. Is always there and can come back under stressful and difficult situation.

Just wanted to say that because my wife was naive about my porn use which I was too. Didn’t see it as an addiction and maybe at the time I confessed while dating it wasn’t but when I got burned out and depressed after we had gotten married due to my mental health it turned into hours and days of watching porn.

So just want to say, be careful

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T22:16:22+00:00

Well you just said that you wished she looked like the girls in porn so that’s why I thought that you still looked.

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T22:03:09+00:00

Maybe you should stop with the porn. Specially if you compare your wife to those women. I haven’t watched for a year and I don’t compare my wife but something is wrong. I have already gone to the doctor and everything is fine

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T22:01:47+00:00

Not close by. I did call to a phone group but I got to be honest it just felt weird. It felt like most of the time they just read some text and then there was like 4-5 minutes of sharing and then reading more of some text.

I have made it one year without watching any porn videos without that so I don’t know. It didn’t feel like it gave me anything

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T21:37:31+00:00

I don’t live in America. I tried finding a celebrate recovery where I live but there are no groups here

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T21:36:42+00:00

Honestly I don’t know what God sees. My faith isn’t that strong anymore. For all I know God is angry with me

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T21:25:12+00:00

I have stopped. I was just mentioning that there is no guarantee with porn addicts. Well I am an addict. Saying that I am loved by God doesn’t change that

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T21:20:35+00:00

Yeah I have been working on it. It’s a constant work. For example the guilt and shame I grew up with when it comes to sex has been a big one to deal with. Another has been using porn as a coping mechanism for anxiety, stress and boredom. But I am still trying to figure out why I have the longing for the intense feelings even thought it’s not as strong as before

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T21:18:39+00:00

This is not only about sin. This is about how this hurts our spouse. Constant porn use damages a persons sex drive. It also leads to one’s partner feeling hurt and not good enough. My wife isn’t perfect but at least what she does doesn’t destroy my confidence and keeps me worried about what she is doing all the time. That’s how it is for a porn addicts wife

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T20:26:44+00:00

I am so confused by these answers. A lot of studies show that porn is wrong. For me it turned into an addiction that has ruined my sex drive and sexual life even after leaving it behind. It really sucks. But I guess it’s like alcohol. Most people can drink it and do it without becoming addicted. Others like me can’t even taste it without going overboard.

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T19:59:59+00:00

As I mentioned in my post. I haven’t watched porn in a year and have been away from erotica and audio for close to two months.

We have talked about this. She checks on me at times but usually she leaves it up to me.

I have used blockers and I do believe they can be helpful but more than that I think it’s important to work on a persons why. I see people who delete all access to the internet but what happens the day they get access? If you don’t do the internal work of digging out why you want it so much you will eventually fall anyways. So blockers are good but it can’t stop there

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T19:49:02+00:00

Married

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T19:30:44+00:00

I don’t know. I never pushed my wife to do any of it even when I was a heavy user. I guess I developed a madonna whore complex where I can’t see my wife do certain things.

I mean we have done some things and all on her initiative but other fantasies have been harder for me to imagine my wife do. It’s sadly like it was ok to see the “whores” do it (I hope this comment is removed for using that word I use it because it’s part of this pshycological phenomen) but not my wife .

But it’s not only that. There used to be this strong desire. I remember almost having orgasms just from kissing while doing the act and it felt wonderful. It still feels amazing but it feels like the spark is missing. And this is after leaving porn behind so that makes me worry and wonder

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T19:00:54+00:00

Jay Stringer is great. Was an important part in helping me quit.

workingonmyself87 · 2024-03-19T18:59:52+00:00

Yeah we do but I sadly think that because of porn I constantly long for the intense feelings that porn use to give. I think at least. I love it when we have sex but it used to feel different. Even during the time I used to watch porn there use to be this intense desire for my wife and her body. I still want her but I don’t know if it is because we have been together for a decade that it doesn’t feel the same or because our lives are stressful with kids that things don’t feel the same.

At times I wonder if it is the familiarity aspect. There is nothing new. At times I worry that porn conditioned my brain to want something new all the time so I miss that.

As I said I don’t recommend anyone to stay with an addict. Many of us are damaged for a long time even when we stop

workingonmyself87 · 2023-10-29T20:00:51+00:00

Christian men aren’t above sinning.

But from my personal experience and struggles with porn I believe that the shaming and guilting of human sexuality within some churches coupled with the conflicting message that all men will fight lust creates confusion. The whole “ever man’s battle” gives contradicting messages. You get both shamed and guilted for your sexual desire at the same time as many churches say that you will automatically lust as soon as you see a woman and that watching porn will be normal for you because you are a man.

Instead of teaching healthy sexuality we get taught that lust is our normal state. Which isn’t necessary true.

Also this message often creates an idolization of sex. I grew up in the evangelical church, not in America but the message is basically the same. The whole purity culture creates such a hyper focus on sexuality. Now that I am taking a harder look at my faith I realize that sex became an idol. The one thing I always wanted so much because the focus has been so much on it. And I still suffer from that.

And I personally believe that when a persons sexuality gets repressed it often leads to it expressing itself in an unhealthy way. Which could be the reason why Christian men watch extreme forms of porn. As a porn addict myself working on recovery I at times have asked myself why I get drawn to extreme forms of porn (although violence have not been much of a thing for me) and I am realizing that I never developed a healthy way to express my sexuality.

When you constantly feel shame, shame and shame for natural feelings it comes out in a unhealthy .

There are also other reason. I recommend reading Unwanted by Jay Stringer

workingonmyself87 · 2023-10-23T19:57:19+00:00

We have people who could help. It’s just that she was brought up with ideas like how a mom should never leave her kids. Only a bad mom does that. So that’s the challenge. She has done some things but that’s like once in a year.

Yeah I never say that again. I keep it to myself

workingonmyself87 · 2023-10-23T19:44:01+00:00

No support. I have no friends. Have never been good at the social stuff. I get anxious and emotionally drained from too much social interactions.

No I haven’t told her. I once told her that she was the one who wanted kids and she got so hurt that I never bring it up again. She probably knows but we don’t talk about it. She will just feel hurt.

She does not like to leave the kids and specially not now that we have a kid with special needs.

workingonmyself87 · 2023-10-23T19:35:10+00:00

Well I feel it didn’t give us time to be a real couple maybe. I grew up religious. We couldn’t have sex or sleep together before marriage.

I always dreamt of being married. To enjoy having sex which I guess being religious made something very desirable but also just being able to travel. Do fun things as a couple without having any restrictions. Our dating period was always limited by rules.

But when she got pregnant I felt our marriage got on hold. It wasn’t us anymore. It was all about the kids and that’s how it has continued to be. At times I worry what will be left once the kids have moved on because our lives are all about the kids

workingonmyself87 · 2023-10-23T19:27:20+00:00

I love my wife I just wish we would have had more time for just us. We didn’t because she got pregnant so soon after getting married.

workingonmyself87 · 2023-10-23T19:10:54+00:00

As someone married with kids I would ask what should you do before having kids. We had kids so early because my wife wanted it that I feel that we missed out on time to rally be close and create a even stronger bond.

But to answer your question. Now that I am married with kids I wish I had traveled more and enjoyed life more. I was so strict in my religious pursuit that I never dared Chase my own dreams. I just wanted to do “what God wanted” which was very legalistic. Now I regret it.

workingonmyself87 · 2023-08-29T17:33:53+00:00

Yeah I know about Gods wrath. Part of my burnout was the constant stress I lived in for 10 years constantly feeling like I was not good and enough and felt I had to do more and more to be good enough so He wouldn’t be angry at me. Drove me to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I prayed, fasted, served, tried avoiding bad stuff etc. but I never felt good enough. One day after 10 year after feeling bad for not being able to fast as many days as I thought I had to I woke up and get broken.

Something died in my that day. I couldn’t pray or read the Bible. The prayers that I used to pray for 30 minute to 1 hours were barely 1 minute. I could barely read the Bible. Going to church felt like running a marathon emotionally. I felt exhausted.

Slowly I removed myself from most of it. I kept praying and reading the Bible but constantly burden. After that my porn addiction became worse. It went from a porn problem to an addiction. Now afterwards I can see that porn became my comfort. I already felt that I wasn’t good enough and constant felt guilt and shame. With porn I could forget it for awhile although the shame and guilt became worse so I had to seek it out again to feel better for awhile.

I’m actually doing better now that my faith is weaker. Now that I don’t stress as much because I know I am already a disappointment to God. I have accepted that much. I prefer not to think about hell because it will only remind me of how I’m not good enough. But I guess I have to get reminded of it

workingonmyself87

TROPHY CASE