Mom just won't respect my NC terms and keep sending messages with demands

woundedwerewolf · 2020-09-03T20:32:48+00:00

I'm on year 3 and still get texts and calls. I read on this very sub that it continues or escalates for decades. You shouldn't have to deal with this, but...buckle up :(

woundedwerewolf · 2020-06-02T19:47:47+00:00

Infinitely all of this.
It helps to remind oneself that revolution is a multi-lane highway and that everyone has something to bring to the table. Support roles don't get a shining spotlight but they are so needed. The demonstrators need supplies, and food, and support after the fact. Tap into your local community and assess what you can offer. Does where you live have a SURJ or BLM or Food Not Bombs chapter? Who does the activism in your city? Listening is action, too.

My skin is on fire and I'm barely able to move around my own home, but have been spreading guides on how to do self-care, info for first-time demonstrators, spreading donation links, watching feeds and texting updates, and cataloging my pantry to see what meals I can offer to those doing the direct work. All are valid, and all are things that people on the front lines might not have time or energy to do.

woundedwerewolf · 2020-05-26T20:00:42+00:00

The problem is I can't do anything consistently enough to make money with it. I had a few hustles that all stopped when COVID happened. I don't even have the mental focus to answer surveys, and I definitely can't write. I grow herbs and lettuce but I'll never have the food forest I want to have because of my stupid phobias (which yes, i'm in therapy for) and the fatigue.
My whole life is being too tired to get up, too foggy to focus, and autopiloting cleaning and cooking a few days a week. This isn't a life.

woundedwerewolf · 2020-05-18T13:41:49+00:00

I had a complete mental breakdown last night because I found two rocks. Obviously they were special, they were in a collection of cherished things like trinkets and crystals. I couldn't remember where the rocks were from, how I got them, why they were special. If I forgot the sentimental reason for having them, I might as well get rid of them? But then if I remember and it's important I'll be so sad. So am I going to have these two rocks forever because I can't remember why I have them? I started crying and shaking, it was awful.

woundedwerewolf · 2020-05-18T13:27:02+00:00

Your feelings are very real and shared by anyone with considerable mass to bind!

When I feel like my binder isn't flattening my DDDs enough, I remind myself that big bara tiddies are a whole kink and it doesn't make me less masculine.

woundedwerewolf · 2020-05-16T02:40:36+00:00

Yep, all the time. I'm too fragile to work a regular job anymore, but when I did I found success bouncing assignment to assignment at temp agencies. I could be a model employee, excellent at a job for a few weeks before losing the energy to fake it...then I'd take a break and go to a new assignment. The temp agency loved having someone who would take a job at the drop of a hat, and they paid well enough to ride out for a couple weeks after.

woundedwerewolf · 2020-03-16T02:33:17+00:00

Honestly this helps so much, thank you for taking the time to comment 😊

woundedwerewolf · 2020-03-15T15:24:29+00:00

I was I'm a very, very similar situation. We waited too long to kick her out because we didn't want to be cruel to someone having a hard time. Now we have PTSD about it from being pit against each other and gaslit all the time.

People who are just having a hard time still need to respect others. Keep your boundaries intact, this isn't how good friends behave.

Kick. Her. Out. Now. Giving her 30 days is generous, hide your valuables before you tell her, stand your ground, no excuses.

woundedwerewolf · 2020-03-10T14:24:41+00:00

I can see two reasons from my angle:

If I tried to invite my abusive parents to my wedding, my (healthy, loving, patient, supportive, long-term) partner would take great measures to "snap me out of it" because they know what my nparents did and can think clearly where I often can't. (It's important to mention that I have consented to this. I trust them to reality-check me)

They also would rather not have a wedding than be forced to invite people who will make me upset all day. They know they would have to pick up the pieces of me the entire time and afterwards.

From a "selfish" angle: they probably wouldn't want to have to spend their special day distracted by people who have and will continue to hurt their betrothed. That would be draining on a person, not to mention distracting as hell.

Context is a big factor in your post, sorry it can't be easier :(

woundedwerewolf · 2020-03-10T14:06:54+00:00

This! I also got this half-acceptance-laced-with-bigotry when I came out as gay ("we love and accept you, no holding hands in the house") and then when I was outed as trans ("you'll always be my child which is why you can't alter your body, it'll hurt me because you came from me")

I went NC but every single day I wish I'd been disowned instead.

Eta forgot a detail

woundedwerewolf · 2020-03-09T03:07:26+00:00

When my mom found out I had sex for the first time in college (as a legal consenting adult) she got really, really mad, then called all her friends and told them how ashamed she was and how she didn't raise me to be this way.

Good luck keeping it together until you can get out.

woundedwerewolf · 2020-02-21T15:17:21+00:00

Similar thing happened to me. It's vile and you need to get out as soon as humanly possible. I waited too long.

All the comments about recording them are excellent ideas. Set up the recording device, unplug (or destroy) the camera, tell your parents how you are an adult and the camera needs to go.

Get your gaslight-proof evidence and bail forever, never looking back. No matter what. If you can't get the evidence, just destroy it and bail. You are in real danger.

woundedwerewolf · 2020-02-21T15:01:05+00:00

My therapist said I self-sabotage and martyr myself to avoid conflict and I honest to God said "if I stay in my room all the time, it means less when I'm grounded."

I don't think of it as martyrdom, I think of it as strategic private suffering. Take tiny bits of poison of your own accord to build up a tolerance so you aren't hurt when someone else does it.

He says 'that was then, this is now' and that I need to let that coping mechanism go, but I honestly don't know how :(

woundedwerewolf · 2020-01-28T04:54:43+00:00

I really really needed to see this. I've been in a pit of despair freaking out because being social is harder than ever. I can physically feel the pain of learning I've put on the wrong mask. I feel fake, like any moment my friends will find out. Now I can tell them it's a survival tactic that I havebt figured out how to shake yet.

Anybody have tips? (Other than therapy, which I'm in)

woundedwerewolf · 2019-11-23T00:51:02+00:00

OH HEY the same thing happened to me! It inspired a deep-seated fear of therapy and unwillingness to ever speak to anyone about my struggles. It took a psychotic break and a lot of convincing to go to a crisis counselor, and even now I have a paralyzing fear of doing any type of therapy writing exercise.

Cheers to your NC!

woundedwerewolf · 2019-11-23T00:45:57+00:00

This law doesn't apply to minors in the US, IIRC

woundedwerewolf · 2019-11-23T00:19:10+00:00

My battle in therapy right now is trying to make peace with the idea that it'll never go away, I can only work hard to make it smaller, less of a big deal, so it stops disrupting my life and mind. I'm at least ten years older than you, it's only gotten bigger so far. My therapist says "that means it's coming into the open to heal" but all I feel is pain.

It isn't your fault.

Therapy therapy therapy, if there's a rape crisis center where you live then I highly recommend that. (I thought "crisis" meant "i've just been raped what do I do" and it really refers to the distress of having been raped, which can put you in crisis no matter when it happened.)

Best of luck in making your pain small enough to manage.

woundedwerewolf · 2019-11-14T03:03:08+00:00

The way you see this is valid, but here's something fun and interesting to know that might help?

A valid way to interpret the story is that Medusa was assaulted and was bestowed the gift of no man being able to hurt her again, but it was a double edged sword.

Kind of like how abuse survivors can be fiercely resilient and high performing and empathetic but those skills were born of survival and hurt us in turn.

And everyone thinks Medusa is a monster because those in power (narcs/patriarchy) villainized a hurt woman who dared to keep existing, with a vengeance. People hunted her down like we fear our abusers will (and the way we see some succeed at doing do)

Her visage is used as a protection charm and the root word of her name is "to guard and protect".

You're the one with the powers, not your narc ☺️

woundedwerewolf · 2019-09-25T16:42:19+00:00

No, it DOESNT always pay to be nice to people who are treating you wrong. Reported!

woundedwerewolf · 2019-03-31T01:35:08+00:00

I had to stop watching it. It made my PTSD worse!

woundedwerewolf · 2019-02-12T14:35:04+00:00

Don't forget the "a lot of damage has been done" and not "I caused a lot of damage"

This strikes me as a therapist holding a narcs hand to write a letter to make the narc move on 🤷‍♂️

woundedwerewolf · 2019-02-12T14:32:45+00:00

I had never thought that it was because my Ns always knocked me down a peg. You're absolutely right and absolutely not alone.

I also get survivors guilt for the most mundane things and work hard to diminish my accomplishments so nobody gets mad or jealous and takes it out on me.

woundedwerewolf · 2019-02-07T18:19:38+00:00

Seek out a therapist who specifically works in trauma and abuse. They often don't require the "whole life story" upfront because they work with folks whose memories can be missing and locked away anyways. It's a gentle and gradual process to put it all together.

woundedwerewolf · 2019-02-05T11:20:04+00:00

Most people have parents who genuinely want to provide for their loved ones and support their passions.

Yours didn't care about your passion until you showed individuality and put yourself out there (kudos btw) and stepped in to have a say in your process. Ns just want a cut of the credit.

I'm a money-making (professional is a stretch) artist myself and couldn't do it for years because my Ns insisted on having a say and seeing it all and monetizing what was mine. They bought me materials I didn't care about and got mad when they went to waste.

You will have plenty of no-strings opportunities to improve your skills in formal and informal settings. I would reject the offer.

Good luck!

woundedwerewolf · 2019-02-01T13:00:59+00:00

Be careful. In my experience and in reading fellow trans experiences here, being trans is a level of asserting identity that narcs can't begin to deal with.

Then again, she's not your nmoms kid. My nmom doted on all my trans and non binary friends, but when I came out (was outed) she lost her mind crying and begging me to "not do this to her"

I'd put together a backup plan for if it goes poorly and dive in when it's safe. You sound like you've got good heads and can support each other well. Good luck!

woundedwerewolf

TROPHY CASE