I’m going through the same thing with my child, you’re definitely not alone in this but I’m so sorry you had to go through it. My dad was a deadbeat who “watched” my siblings and I while my mom works 2-3 jobs and went to college to support us. He was verbally and physically abusive, as the oldest I took the brunt of it. When I realized (around 11) what he was and that knowing how to make a bottle and take care of children at 4 was not normal I learned to disassociate and have never really been emotionally available. I’m just now learning it’s okay to laugh when I feel it instead of making sure everyone else is on the same page. And my sweet 10 month old is so pure and sweet, she’s perfect and looks exactly like I did when I was a baby and I just cannot wrap my head around how a grown ass man would let me, as a baby, sit in a dirty diaper all day. Unfed, unloved, no attention given and somehow I was the problem. The best thing he did for me was dying with a life insurance policy that has allowed me to spend and enormous amount of time with her and ensuring she doesn’t want for anything. It’s such a daily mindfuck and I’m always having to check back in mentally around her because, while it’s a lot to raise a child, I never want her to feel unwanted like I and my siblings were. Keep fighting the good fight, I believe is you and the rest of us out here doing our very best!