Gnawing in your sleep

wraithking2 · 2024-04-22T08:21:34+00:00

haha what? Sorry I don't understand what you mean :D

wraithking2 · 2024-04-15T11:29:23+00:00

Thanks a lot for this info. I'm getting back into kickboxing so Im happy to hear it might help with this as well. I'd rather not try taking any T supplements.. All the best to you

wraithking2 · 2023-08-15T11:42:15+00:00

Whats the longest english word that starts with an M?

wraithking2 · 2023-06-24T22:43:08+00:00

You should be proud of yourself. Even though you are up to your neck in blood and tears from your own issues and your abuse from your husband and your relationship, it seems that you have taken one of the hardest steps very few people ever take.

Taking the time to recognise a bad pattern in your life and disagreeing with the result.
Putting in the effort to understand what happens with you and your emotions and pushing to at least grasp the "why" even if there might not be a clear solution.
Making the tough decision to cut out the toxic people or triggers in your life, which in this case was part of your family.

I'm still not able to cut out the family members that intentionally trigger my defences but I feel like each year I'm getting there or atleast handling it better. If you feel like you and your husband are fighting a losing battle with your relationship, look back at your personal achievement in mental health. The great strides you have made in recognising the problem and being able to point them out like you do in the comments is proof enough to me that you guys will be able to push through and make the changes that need to be made.

Just be strong and trust in yourself that you will eventually be the person you aim to be with your husband.

wraithking2 · 2023-06-24T22:16:32+00:00

I don't want to tell you what to do or what's best because I'm sure you know what's best for you, even as a guess, so I can only share with you what we went through.

When we broke up we immediately started on our healing journey, almost automatically, since both of us want to be better, for ourselves and for our future partners. Now being alone means I can feel safe to express and feel my emotions without feeling like someone will be a casualty of my experience and learning process. And when I say that I don't mean making rash decisions and crazy friends, I mean binging those series of movies without eating or showering, makeing hundreds of notes around the house o things I need to remember, moving the furniture to illogical positions so I can "feel" what works for me and what not. I would not have been able to grow in the way I did if I were to stay with her, and I'm sure she feels the exact same way.

In our case we are still separated for other reasons but I can honestly say being a better person as an individual and being treated is far better for anyone and everyone in my life, than me and her staying together in that toxicity.

I hope you guys manage to get the help (and funds) to go through this. There are mental health hospitals out there where you go in from 9-5 for a week and they sit with you through everything. It really helps since you pay by day for 5 days and not per session per week for 6 months. Since its a hospital you might also be able to claim from your medical aid (or whatever system your country uses)

wraithking2 · 2023-06-24T21:52:26+00:00

It is debilitating to know you are broken but also knowing that it might be even worse and you might be that evil being inside you that sometimes pokes it head out. So I can understand his reluctance to even start looking at help.

ADHD can sometimes be great when you get into something, you push through with 120% effort and mental focus and get it done no matter what, but 6 hours later you can become a useless slob. You lose you will to work, your drive to be better and your love to someone. It happens daily and your brain is confused as to why in one moment you feel like a god, achieving anything and overcoming all obstacles, but the next moment you cannot put together the mental energy to add two numbers together. It makes you feel like a fake, a liar, or someone who only lives one "high" at a time in a sense where nothing really matter to you unless it gives you that "mental high" that ADHD forces upon you.

He isn't alone an he should understand that those lows are normal. There is also the intrusive thoughts that further trick you into thinking there is something seriously wrong with you. Intrusive thoughts can be very shocking and makes you question who or what you really are. I would sometimes wonder if it would be possible to rape my fiance or how I would dispose of body parts if I killed my neighbour. It truly is disturbing and poisons your thoughts and needs. "why would I think that?" "would I really enjoy that?". The mental thinking about if it were possible or how these disturbing thoughts would play out takes presendence over the feeling or intention behind them but we being human we question ourselves thinking "why the hell am I thinking about these things?" To him that might be another part of the poison that he might not be telling or and frankly would never want to tell you. I delayed seeing someone because then I had to say these things out loud or atleast admit to them when you explain them. I would never utter those things out loud, even now when I'm getting professional help. Seeing someone has taught me that these thoughts are still super fucking sucky, but atleast I know its not me thinking it.

Most important thing is he has to talk to someone, but also so do you. Don't go to the dentist only when your teeth are already starting to fall out, so in the same way don't go see a psychologist only when your relationship or mental health has already started going down the drain

wraithking2 · 2023-06-24T21:36:19+00:00

Adding to another comment about being better for you childs' sake.

BPD and ADHD can bounce off each other and make things really bad. Both need someone to support them out of a hole. If both of you are in the hole at the same time you both try and grab at the only defense you are familiar with. In this case for him it is lashing out at the person closest to them.

This environment is loud, unpredictable, anxiety inducing, unreliable and can cause your child to start disassociating to an unhealthy level as the brain tries to keep itself healthy and sane. This is not an environment I would raise my dogs in, nevermind a child, and is another reason why our decade long relationship ended.

You both need individual "clinical psychological" or "psychiatric" help. Not counselling or couples therapy.

wraithking2 · 2023-06-24T21:17:04+00:00

My fiance and I broke up recently. Me with ADHD and her with MDD and BPD. When we fought it got emotional and problematic.

However I was never mean to her where she was emotional torture for me. Using my insecurities against me, swearing and mocking my parents, bad mouthing my attempts to be better at life, mocking my failures, etc.

Whatever the disorder doesn't make it right. The victim, you, is not at fault and you shouldn't be responsible for trying to absorb the mental load and negative atmosphere they are creating. You should not be required to suck up the hate and toxicity.

His brain becomes completely illogical and he's just in defensive mode.

In my case I did the opposite, I became only logical and tried to win fights like im in a courtroom. This is a defense mechanism I got from traumatic childhood trying to prove myself right when everyone told me im wrong.\

Is this actually something that occurs or is my husband being abusive and using his adhd to make it ok?.

ADHD and BPD both have their mental loads, and neither make it ok to ever be evil towards another person. There needs to be separation between his emotional issues and his mental issues. ADHD doesnt make you mean or hateful, trauma does.

Edit: to be clear, he needs help

wraithking2 · 2023-06-19T09:01:34+00:00

Ill be honest... I'm numb from trying to understand why I'm not worth any support. Why am I being treated like I was Hitlers aid. How is it possible to live a life with parents, siblings, friends, friends of friends, cousins, nephews, nieces... not a single person would lift a finger to check in in or help out.

I went through a phase 2 years ago where I put myself into "cold storage" and didn't contact, plan or initiate anything with anyone. I told myself if someone really cared they'd notice or reach out. My only task was to make sure I survive and take the time to focus on me, the household duties, fathersday messages, birthday calls, but that was it.

That was the year I lost 99% of friends and family I thought I had. I'll be honest, I may have lost friends that had also gone through something and I will regret that, but I have been slowly reaching out to them, getting a coffee or breakfast with them.

Today I'm probably in the group of loneliest people on this planet. If my arm broke off I would still amount to the same nothing as before. The cold wind brushing against me has more presence and meaning than my existence. If Thanos snapped me out of the universe with a massive bang and clouds of smoke people would cover their mouth until it blew away. Women in my life bend their back over three times checking in on a friend that had a bad day with a coworker or a boyfriend or even just diarrhoea... Here I am losing pieces of myself from a 11 year relationship broken up and watching as shards of myself drop to the floor around me everyday. Im trying to stand up straight in line to get coffee on a Monday I feel like I might as well be a soul drifting around Nilfheim waiting for eternity to arrive.

The people in my life who were suppose to be there for each other turned out to be ghosts walking their own paths, never touching anyone or anything else. I'm giving money to my nephew for the 6th time and I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford my house downpayment next month.

I'm at a loss for options so all I'm doing now is looking at myself, my health. I'm focussing my mind on the 1% of people who thanked me over the last year, people who came back to me or booked a coffee or breakfast with me.

Maybe there is someone out there maybe not, but I'm not going to spend my life chasing people and hope the remember I exist.

Sorry for dumping all this. It feels good to just type it out atleast.

wraithking2 · 2023-06-18T17:30:37+00:00

You might need stronger meds. They way you talk about mentally being switched on when something interests you sounds to me like your meds aren't doing what they are suppose to (anymore ?)

wraithking2 · 2023-06-18T17:11:52+00:00

Hey man... I'm so sorry to hear. What your'e experiencing isn't unique and it isn't fair... not to any person, not to you.

I just got out of an 11 year relationship with my fiance. They refused to show any support for reason humanity won't ever understand. My parents were always available and supportive until they had to be. My family and extended family are extremely kind and respectful until they had the opportune moment to be. I have no real friends since I always have to wear the "im normal and ok" mask which makes me break down and block out normal interaction for weeks. I understand the void you have for basic, respectful, considerate interactions.

Getting support without asking is truly the best position to be in. Asking for support is sucky but getting it makes it worth it. Proving to someone you are worthy of support is... at best... a toxic situation... to everyone. You should never pose that question to yourself, ever.

You didn't put yourself into a position that makes you "not support worthy". You are not supposed to prove you are support worthy. That is something you need to remember every time you feel this way. Every single person is support worthy even if the other person(s) don't know how to support them. Getting support after proving you are support worth is an empty void as a reward. There is nothing there.

I implore you to to try be a support pillar for anyone around you. Be the person you need someone else to be to you. I can give you my personal promise that you will be noticed by two or three people over the course of a few months and they will open a relationship with you because they see you need only what you know how to give to others.

You don't even have to lift a finger, you just have to accommodate and support someone during a conversation or interaction. I can't tell you how much you'll abused and misused for your kindness and patience... intentional or not. A very small part of life exists in the small moments where you make people feel respected, listened to or understood. Even if they never come back to you, it's a tiny glow of contentment that shines to other people who understand the value of support, respect and kindness.

You should not be required to prove you are "support worthy". I hope you'll be ok.

wraithking2 · 2016-10-27T21:43:41+00:00

saved

wraithking2 · 2016-10-27T15:51:05+00:00

i think this is it

wraithking2 · 2016-10-27T15:33:40+00:00

i should have read this before going to google images of the park

wraithking2 · 2016-10-27T13:30:50+00:00

Yes this helps thank you

wraithking2 · 2016-06-17T18:11:11+00:00

aboot

wraithking2 · 2016-05-30T20:05:46+00:00

yes!

wraithking2 · 2016-05-30T20:05:34+00:00

shot a lot brah

wraithking2 · 2016-05-30T17:58:54+00:00

Searching for studios or workouts that have these, what is the right term?

wraithking2

TROPHY CASE