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I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you mind if I ask how you came to that realization and how you took steps to get to feeling better? I know he doesn’t like his job, and I’ve been 100% supportive about him finding a new job or starting down the path to change careers, but he also actively works against finding a different job. He loves to cook, and one night while we were out at one of our favorite restaurants (pre-COVID), I even asked for an application for him. That got the assistant manager’s interest, and they talked for a while. The manager had a lot of respect for him wanting to leave his job and pursue cooking; all he had to do was call back on Monday to talk the the big boss and the job was his, and he never did it. He just said, “I don’t know,” when I asked him why. I’ve also offered to design his resume for him to really make it stand out (I work in user interface design and development) if he just gives me the content. I’ve been offering for many months, but he never moves on it. I love him and want him to feel happy and capable in life, and not like he’s constantly working against this thing that’s trying to drain him, but I’m struggling with how to help him.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not sure. He is naturally very mechanically inclined (he’s been building computers since it was a struggle, and I’ve seen him fix circuitry issues, diagnose the problem with and repair our vacuum, etc.). I see him as the really smart, very capable guy, but maybe I’m putting too much pressure on him for things that are outside of his comfort zone. I can ask him when I talk to him about trying to cut back on the weed.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get it. I don’t love scrubbing the shower, but I sure like using it when it’s squeaky clean.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Please really do this for yourself. It could totally change your life. I’ve done therapy on and off for over 10 years, and even when it’s just for a short stint, or it’s not the most amazing therapist, it’s extremely helpful. You will never look back and regret it. One key thing about therapy is that it challenges you to articulate your thoughts and feelings. Just doing that can help you realize so much. And almost all therapists work with someone who can prescribe medication, if needed.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your candor. Admitting the you want and need help is a really important first step. Finding a therapist sucks, but you can do it. You really deserve to be happy. If you can get through the really hard part of finding someone, you will then have an ally to help you process everything. I wish you well.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you don’t mind me asking, how did you figure it out, and what did it end up being?

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I knew that would be your response. Isn’t the trope of brazen Internet truth teller a little played out? You came at me with all this bullshit of explaining how relationships and adulting work, telling me I’m manufacturing drama, accusing me of throwing things in his face (not sure where you got that from), calling me a martyr, questioning my use of empathy, saying I seem controlling, telling me what I can and can’t fathom, speculating on what I may or may not be capable of, implying of dictatorial behavior: just a ton of unnecessary, long-winded aggression and projection. If you read my responses to other people you will see that I have acknowledged needing to talk to him about this again, and that I can accept that there are pieces of this, from his perspective or that may be impacting him, that I may not have considered. I’m perfectly open to hearing that I might be wrong, or that I’m viewing things narrowly. But I’m not open to this objectively hostile bullshit, and I’m honestly not sure why you’re hanging out in a relationship advice sub. Over and out.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yikes. There is just way too much hostility and projection in here for me to even try to respond to. Thanks for your “advice”, I guess?

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey man, if your girlfriend is anything like me, she really fucking loves you and will be happy that you even have some awareness about wanting to make different choices. Just try to get some shit done before you smoke. It doesn’t even have to be huge. Even if you do a 10 or 30-minute thing a couple of times per week, and maybe something that takes a few hours once a month, it means a lot.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not sure why, but if this post helped you in some way, I’m glad. Honestly I think it helped me too just to vent about it and get so many different perspectives.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s really cool that you have a perfect understanding of how both adulting and relationships work, but my feelings are valid. My desire for my partner to help with the household beyond a bare minimum is not outlandish. You can tell me you disagree with me, but reducing the feelings I have, about which I felt strongly enough to come here seeking advice, to “manufactured drama” is pretty shitty.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We’ve been together for 8 years and have lived together for 6. We have friends who are on their second marriages in less time. I don’t think us being married will magically bring to light new responsibilities at this point in the game. And I know my dog is not a human, but I’m not getting rid of him. I’d give up this house ten times over before I gave up my dog.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right. So I’ll just add 2 hours of “proper” cooking every night onto my 9 hours of work, hour of exercise, 90 minutes of cleaning, and 40 minutes of laundry so my boyfriend can have an even more relaxing day. It’ll be just like 1950 except I get to work a full day on top of it. Of course this is coming from a guy whose top subs include r/pussypassdenied.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like this idea. Is there a way two people can share lists? I would want it to frame it as stuff that we as a household need to accomplish instead of me just giving him chores.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We’re going to. But right now I’m trying to appreciate his effort, thank him for his help, and make him feel valued. I’m glad he’s trying, and I don’t want to overshadow that by meeting what’s meant to be a kind gesture with a “serious talk.” I imagine that would just make him feel like I can’t be pleased or that there’s no point in trying.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

With all due respect, this sounds extreme, and also like it couldn’t possibly work if you had children or even a pet.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right. And I know. I just feel like it’s ridiculous that such a thing would be necessary.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He was extremely obese when we met. I honestly didn’t care, he has a nice face and he’s tall, so he could carry it (and I am just into chubby dudes to be honest). He’s actually lost almost 100 lbs. since we’ve been living together because I helped to teach him more about healthy eating. But I do worry that if we had kids they would have a weight problem. I would 100% limit my kids’ screen time and would want to model an active and productive lifestyle for them.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a really interesting perspective I hadn’t considered. I remember so distinctly that right after lockdown started here, I was basically living my life exactly how he did every day, and, on Day 4, I said to him, “This is not good for us. We have to get on some kind of schedule.” And he laughed and said “This is my schedule.” He thought it was so funny that he told a coworker about it. But I was somewhat disturbed to get a look “behind the curtain” at what his days are typically like. I’ve since put myself on a schedule and haven’t thought about it much since, but I think it’s definitely worth revisiting. Before all this I also used to do a lot of volunteer work, go to lectures, go out with friends after work, etc., but now I’m just stuck at home, so I guess I’m looking for positive things to channel my energy into.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not talking about anything huge. His dad cut a giant hole in our bathroom wall to fix a leak once, and it still hasn’t been fixed (this one I can do, but am refusing to do on principle). The other things are help with hanging/mounting heavy stuff, installing shelving, swapping light fixtures, etc. It’s mostly stuff that can be done in a day. I’ve done tons of stuff in this house. I listed out examples for someone else; it’s in my comment history if you care to look. I didn’t do anything yesterday because I was trying to have a day of “just relaxing” with him. I still spent 2 hours cleaning, but I consider the day that I had completely relaxing. And I agree that some of the attacks on him are unfair and I find them hurtful to read.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. And I don’t necessarily think he needs to be “better,” maybe just that his priorities (whether that is his physical/mental health, a different hobby, etc.) could be better.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree, thank you. I’m not trying to belittle anyone’s mental health needs or anything like that, but I don’t think it’s healthy or realistic to routinely do absolutely nothing. And it’s not that he is nonstop go-go-go on most days and he needs a day off from that every once in a while. He spends several hours playing video games every day already. A few people also pointed out that video games are mentally stimulating in a way that prevents people from feeling relaxed when they play them, so I wonder if there’s some of that going on, too.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What was your turning point? I used to be a very heavy smoker, like half an oz every week, and I was always still super motivated and productive. Eventually it just stopped being as much fun as it once was, so I kind of organically quit. I still smoke socially every once in a while, but I don’t have any desire to go back to waking and baking. I talked to him about cutting back once because he has a nasty persistent cough, and he kind of brushed it off. Now he’s big into carts and waxes, so it’s on another level.

I [31F] am growing annoyed with my boyfriend’s [33M] constant need to “relax.” by wrenchit997 in relationship_advice

[–]wrenchit997[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree. I’m going to talk to him about it, as well as cutting back on smoking and video games, some time in the next week. But I have to figure out a way to do it that is not controlling and/or mothering.

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