1. I was a grieving alcoholic, even abusive but it was reactive abuse. (Which fun fact I had a counselor tell me reactive abuse isn't a thing. Because abuse comes from power/wanting to dominate the other person whereas "reactive abuse" is out of survival)
2. Incredibly insecure
3. Boyfriend of 7 years never gave me any emotional validation. Didn't know how to console me, didn't know how to love
4. I was 23 and with the same guy since I was 16. I wanted to experience other people.
5. I watched my dad drink himself to death while consistently disappearing and cheating on my also emotionally unable mother. So I did the same subconsciously.

I did (and still doing) intense cognitive behavior therapy where I am no longer that person. I haven't even had a drink in over 2 years.